NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 2

Despite the solid response to Chapter 1 of the Female Guide to Dating, there were obviously some naysayers and critics. Fortunately for me, and the rest of the readers of this blog, criticism only fuels my fire and reinforces my absurd opinions on the matter of dating, and the general lunacy that dwells deep within the caverns of the female mind.

For today's chapter, I want to delve into the world of obligations...

Chapter 2. Being a Girlfriend is a Full Time Job:

Ladies, it's better if you know now, rather than waiting til the eventual collapse of your relationship, that being a girlfriend is a full-time job, whereas for a man, it is more of an "as-needed" scenario. I understand how sexist this may come across, but if you are going to secure your position as his "bottom bitch" (that is a term of endearment for most), learn this lesson early and often and put it to good use.

Let him be the man in the relationship. What does that entail exactly? Simple. He picks the restaurant. He pays for the meal. Trust in this, there is nothing worse than offering to split the check with a man. It serves as a tremendous blow to his ego, which is a most definite no-no. Your job as a girlfrined consists of many things, but somewhere near the top of that list is the law written on the back of Moses' stones (ten commandments): Thou shalt stroke thy man's ego. The stroking of the ego comes in many forms, ranging from sitting in the corner quietly while he conducts his business, all the way to defending his drunken outbursts at your family's holiday dinner. It is important to know that if he does choose to fight your father, you always take his (your man's) side. Father's love their daughters out of obligation, men love their women by choice. Or because they chose to settle because it didn't seem like anything else better would be coming along. Besides that, embedded deep within the man's DNA lies a special chromosome that allows fist fights to turn into friendships immediately following the carnage. So, after the fight, 7 times out of 10 the man will get up, shake father's hand, and be done with it. If, in the off chance this doesn't happen, ladies should already have the car running and a middle finger ready to show their father as soon as the fight is over. Also, no matter the outcome, ALWAYS tell him how much he kicked your dad's ass.

Double standards exist. It's a fact. Take for instance the fact that men are (or should be) allowed to scope out any little birdy they see. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to check out the fellas, just so long as it is in the privacy of your own quarters or whilst hangin out with that group of friends that your man hates. It's a pretty common statistic that 60% of your friends are not going to like the man you have chosen. Why? Jealousy really. Simple and plain. So if it requires you burning a few bridges with aquaintances from yesteryear, Fuck 'Em, you got your man and thats all you need anyway. Conversely, the guy will never be giving up his friends, so it's best you just learn to live with them.

Sticking with the double standard theme for a second, I want to discuss oral pleasure. For a man, getting a blowjob is a god given right. In all seriousness, men would not even bother to put up with a woman's psychosis if it wasn't so difficult to find someone to blow us regularly. Sure there are prostitutes, but why waste perfectly good, hard earned beer money on a hoe, when you got a perfectly suitable (hopefully after reading this novel) girlfriend at home just waiting to polish you off? However, recieving and giving are 2 completely different things. And I know that the old adage reads "tis better to give than recieve", but that is pure horseshit. When it comes to oral, it is always better to recieve than give. That's the reason that the ratio of his pleasure to yours should read somewhere along the lines of 10:1. He gets 10 blowjobs to every one time he goes down. Unless of course ladies, you hit the jackpot and found a guy who actually enjoys crawling around and fumbling between your legs, in which case, you don't really need to be reading this guide so you are more than welcome to just X this screen right now.

While we are on the subject of ego inflation and sexual favors, I feel it is important to point out the fact that female orgasms are, by nature, much more difficult to achieve than male orgasms. We know this. You know this. So, in order to keep that man you are so desperately trying to please happy, always, ALWAYS, fake your arrival if he failed to fulfill his duties. There is nothing worse than the man having to ask if you finished, if he even bothers to care at all.

Bossy women get forgotten and left with the quickness. Sure, there are a select group of fellas out there who are desperately seeking a woman who controls everything. They are (un)affectionately known as "in the closet" homosexuals, and more often than not, will turn out to be a ladies best friend. Men hate that guy. Your gay friends bother us. Most times it's not a matter of homophobia, more a matter of wanting to slap that guy back into his role as a man. We don't understand the desire to be gay. Men, in general, are self absorbed pigs. Why would we want to co-habitate with another man, especially one displaying feminine qualities and general cat ass behavior on a regular basis.

Moving on. Ladies, it is important to dress appropriately at all times. Sweats are unattractive and completely unstimulating. We don't care if you're menstrating. In fact, we enjoy that one week a month. Why? Simple, it means blowjobs every night as compared to actually having to do any sort of strenuous activity and have sex. Think of it as a weekend. If the relationship is a job (which it is), the week of the period is our vacation from it. So, during the courtship, and 10 years into the relationship, you should be treating every day like you are going to the Oscars. Put on that dress. Fix your hair. Do your makeup. All of these things go hand in hand with a man's sexual appetite. On the flip side of that coin, if we choose to wear our sweats to your grandmother's 90th birthday party, just know that we have a good reason for it. I'm sure you're wondering what that reason is, but just keep that question locked away in your brain. No sense in starting a fight on the way to Grandma's b-day party right? RIGHT. Now you're learning.

Keep it tight. No, I'm not talking about your kegel excercises. I'm talking about the stomach, hips, thighs, and tailpiece. Hit those squats. Do those lunges. Crunch those abs. A man's worst fear is the girl getting comfortable in the relationship and letting herself go. Hittin' the gym regularly shows your man that you are dedicated to keepin that body lookin fit, and that is a great quality to display.

I seem to be noticing a trend over the last 3-5 years of these half gay roid heads puttin in 12 hours a day at the gym and rockin that spray tan as a means to attract ladies. Those guys are pussy. Real men wear beards and keep a beer belly. Yes, I know, I just lumped myself into the category of "real men", but hey, "if the shoe fits?" right... Back to the muscle heads. The overly worked out vanity muscles and veins bulging out of his forearms is compensation for lack of personality, a small member, or both. So, for the girls who think that the muscle head roid freak is their type, it's time to stop reading here. If you really want one of those guys, all you gotta do is let him buy your drinks, you'll be roofied by drink #3 and most likely wake up pregnant 2 days later. Congrat-u-fuckin-lations.

Do the laundry. I know this sounds soooo "1950", but it's the truth. Fact: men do not enjoy doing laundry, but we sure as hell like to come home and find the laundry washed and folded and ready for wear. So you're home sick, if you expect me to bring you soup, you better use that sick day wisely by gettin that pile of laundry that has been accumulating on his floor washed and pressed. Trust me, when a girl does the laundry, it's a big turn on.

On the subject of housework, every woman should know how to cook AT LEAST 2 solid meals. I'm not talkin about whippin up some mac'n'cheese. I mean a meal. Lasagna. Tacos. Etc. Something that requires some effort. Don't stop there, learn how to make the side dishes too. Do you remember when you were a kid and mom had dinner ready for dad precisely at 5:30 as he walked in the door from his long day of work at the factory? Neither do I. But I do remember this statistic, somewhere between 40-50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. My hypothesis on this matter is simple, the bitch couldnt cook. HA.

I think that about sums up chapter 2 for now. Back with the next installment as soon as I get the time to write it.

-Ollie the Scholar

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 1

The cold hard truth of the matter about yours truly is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a real son of a bitch. It's a fair assesment, save for the fact that my mother is a saint, which i assume to be the complete opposite of a bitch. But I digress... I spend countless hours of my valuable time writing man laws, womanizing, pointing out the flaws in people, and just generally acting like a raging chauvenist prick. So today, with a little inspiration from a few of my "to remain nameless" female friends, I am going to show the ladies a little bit of love and give them a step by step guide to dating, not only men, but the assholes too.

A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...

First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.

Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".

My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.

Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.

Chapter 1: Get out of your head.

Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".

Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.

Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.

Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"

Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."

Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.

Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."

Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.

Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?

Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.

Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.

Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.

In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.

Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".

Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.

Back with chapter 2 tomorrow. Tell a friend...

-Ollie the Scholar