Why in the Fuck is T.I. still getting movie roles? More importantly, How is this dude sharing the same on-screen time as Stringer Bell? With a muhfuckin' british accent? Stringer Bell for president, for real. I swear, I damn near, wait, scratch that, I did tear up when they waxed Stringer on The Wire. I mean, dude was cold, calculated, pure business and grime, with no emotions whatsoever... but ultimately, The boss has got to remain the boss, and Stringer had to go. He will go down as my third favorite character from the Wire, behind Michael. and Marlo Stanfield. Which brings me to my point, didn't mean to run off a recap of why The Wire was so dope (read: IT WAS THE GREATEST CRIME SAGA EVER) but how is it that this skinny lil dude right here:
gets more street credit in a suit than this muhfucka right here:
Wait, you might be wondering where this is all coming from. I promise I have a point. This new movie is coming out. It's called Takers, and here's the trailer:
I'm gonna see it. Call me easily entertained, but give me Paul Walker, Stringer Bell (Idris Elba, but will always be Stringer in my mind) in a british accent, and mr. "whoop that trick" himself C.Breezy and Imma watch it. Sprinkle in some Hayden Christensen (I know, he's awful, but Im nostalgic and I loved Star Wars despite how terrible it was) and a plot about a bank heist with the female lead being Zoe Saldana, you've got a hot ticket...
That is until you cast T.I. as the villain. I mean, really dog? who is Jamie Hector's (Marlo Stanfield) agent? This dude needs more work. I want him on the screen all the time. I have a role saved for him when and if I do ever finish writing my masterpiece (read: he plays Oliver Wrist, as Marlo Stanfield, never breaking character ever, haha)... I mean really tho, was there ever any harder bosses' talk than this:
"My name was in the STREETS?!?!"
ICE-FUCKING-COLD.
Man I miss The Wire, somebody needs to get it together and write this show another 5 seasons. I need to stop here, otherwise I'll go all damn day.
Yeah I know Stringer is british, he just does the "not british" role so well that when he goes back to the accent, its like he's discovered a whole new role and an untapped market as the master of british brothas or some wild shit. I'ont'know mayne. Just, you be cool like how you be cool, aight? I aint seent you and you aint seen me? aight.. WATER.
"Don't be affraid to grab a titty, slap a ass cheek, whateva.. just do what you feel"
Whew, this might be the best video I've come across in a minute. Big ups to IP for posting it a couple weeks back...
Yeah, it's close to 7 minutes long, but worth every second. If you dont feel like watching 7 minutes of this hood ass cat speakin on these hoes, just jump to about the 3:30 mark and listen until about 4:30, if that doesn't inspire you to watch the whole video, check your pulse nukkuh, cause you dead..
I took a brief, but well needed break from writing these little nuggets of wisdom for all you heathens to comtemplate the next logical step in the progression of this so called "book". Spent some time soul searching, but I came up empty because, according to most women (save for my mother, God love her), I don't have a soul, took some words of wisdom from several different sources, and despite my better judgement I have decided to proceed with the next chapter. I mean in all honesty, the response to the first 2 chapters has converted me into a "Dear Abbey" of sorts, so rather than address each person individually, I'm just gonna go ahead and spill my brain.
Chapter 3: The Statuate of Limitations.
Uggghhhhhhh... That's how I feel about writing this right now. This isn't one of those chapters where I can be playful and rude. In fact, this is a warning to everyone who continues on, this isn't typical Ollie... or maybe it is.
To be clear, this chapter will be separated into 2 categories. The first will deal with the boundaries of who is/isn't off limits based on familial and friendship ties. The second will deal with where the line in the sand shall be drawn for ladies who tend to hang on the overzealous side of the fence, and hit their man in public, cause scenes, expose themselves publicly, etc.
So without anymore build up, I just want to say this: Don't read this if you are unstable. I don't need to stabbed or slandered the next time you see me. HAHA.
And were off...
As far as I know, there has never been an actual reference guide to decide when/if it is right/wrong to date the former significant other of a personal friend or family member. With that said, this will now be THE OFFICIAL reference guide for not only getting past that old fling, but getting onto your best friend's former love interest. All the dating guides (everyone elses blubbery bullshit, this is the realness over here) tell you that it should take "approximately half the time you were involved with someone to get over them". Meaning simply: If you dated for a year, you should be over it in 6 months...
I beg to differ. I'm just gonna throw this out there now: Sluts heal faster. It's a fact. So ladies, if you want to be able to get over the last asshole you dated, get onto a new asshole, and keep doing that until eventually you have become a heartless/soulless spawn of satan (like yours truly). Then, and only then, will you be able to see the world as your personal playground and reap the benefits of a shameless existence. Seems easy enough right? AHHNT. Wrong. The problem is, girls have more emotions than men. They show it more often, they react differently to situations, and in general, tend to have more respect for themselves than the other half of the human race. This is a very slippery slope we are attempting to navigate. So bare with me...
For fairness sake, I am going to say that yes, it is more often than not, absolutely positively 100% possible to find a new guy/girl to latch onto that has absolutely zero ties to anyone you know. Really tho, what's the fun in that? Sure, you could move away and find yourself a good ol' boy, but, for the sake of this arguement, let's just say the chances of that happening are about 1 in 73,256. That's a nice round figure. So, what if... What if the new apple of your eye happens to be a former fling/boyfriend/fuck buddy of one of your friends or family members? Is it wrong to cross that line with them? Is it immoral to find comfort in the arms of a person who once dated/fucked your brother/sister/cousin/friend/co-worker/etc.??
The answer is yesno. Look, everyone has their own set of values and their own personal moral compass. No matter what you believe, spiritually or otherwise, it is never easy to justify the tainting of one's friendship for the sake of passion. But this is not a guide on morals were discussing here, if you're looking for moral support or justification, you have quite literally come to the worst possible source. What I am talking about is a pure numbers game.
So let's get down to the mathematics.
Your friend hooked up with this guy a few times, 3 months ago, and it was completely casual. Is it ok for you to fuck him? Absolutely.
Your friend dated this guy for 6 months, it ended 6 months ago, he broke her heart. Are you in the clear? Maybe. It depends on the level of friendship.
Let me break it down like this:
On a scale of 1-5, where does the above stated friend rank?
1- you shared a class with her in high school. 2- you were friends all thru elementary school, but then you got cool and she stayed nerdy. 3- you'd be invited to the wedding, but she wouldn't neccessarily care if you showed up. 4- You guys have a really strong bond and hang out pretty regularly. 5- She's your sister and you would die for her.
**NOTE** This scale applies to both men and women.
If your relationship status with said friend is anywhere in levels 1-3, you're in hog heaven. Fuck her, she would still be your friend if she was worth having around anyways. Right?
If she happens to fall between the cracks of 3 and 4, you're probably going to be ok, so long as she is a logical thinker. And by logical I mean, she wouldn't be nice to your face and then cut off half of your hair while you sleep out of spite.
If she ranks a solid 4, in this case (6 month relationship, been over 6 months) you are absolutely justified in testing the waters. The truth is, if he broke her heart, he'll prolly do the same to you, but hey, life's a gamble right? Roll those motherfuckin' dice and get it crackin'.
For the sake of self preservation, I will refrain from making the arguement that it is ok to go forward with a level 5.
Now, let's say that your friend dated a fella for a solid year or two. They had some troubles, eventually it didn't work out. They have both moved on and the relationship has been over longer than it lasted. How do the numbers play out here?
Levels 1-3: See above.
The level 4 gets tricky. It is a situation where, as a friend to you, the girl should understand that you are obviously taking a big risk in involving yourself with said individual and for that, she should respect the decision. Losing friends is common ground when it comes to dealing with relationships, but like I mentioned before, guys hate 70% of your friends anyway. So good riddance. Besides, if she was really your friend, she would want to see you sparkle, not fade. Furthermore, if the relationship has been over longer than it lasted, time has allowed for all wounds to heal, you prolly already know every bad thing there is to know about the guy to begin with, so there really shouldn't be much surprise. What always gets me is how entitled females get when it comes to a friend dating their ex. Let me just make it clear: He is your ex for a reason. Leave the guy alone, and focus on whoever you are currently making miserable but trying to make happy now. For insight on how to do this, please refer to chapters 1 and 2 located Here and Here.
As for level 5's, in any situation outside of a casual fuck session, I can honestly say that for chicks, it is never ok to fuck somebody who was emotionally tied to a level 5.
Conversely, guys have a completely different approach to this matter. Imma just go ahead and let Snoop and Nate Dogg tell you how it goes...
HAHA. Now of course that isn't true in all situations. If it's a bird brain chick with no morals or shame, of course it is perfectly acceptable to pass her around the circle. Shit, in fact, I personally believe that if a girl is willing to let herself get tossed around that easily, you might as well hit it twice.
Moving on tho, ladies, you have suffered with a smile thru all of my chauvenist rants, so I will give you some insight into the mind of one of the most self absorbed people you will prolly (n)ever meet. I mean, fair is fair right?
MOST men in the world only have enough heart to ever REALLY love a MAXIMUM of 3-5 women in their entire lives. Girls, on the other hand, can convince themselves they are in love after 2 dates and a couple solid sexual romps..
Back to the fellas...
The guy's scale is skewed, and since this is the female guide to dating and the fellas already know the rules, Im gonna keep it short and simple:
If the guy ever LOVED the girl and the homie rates anywhere above a 3 on the scale, she is off limits. Thats it. End of story.
I have literally been sitting here for 6 minutes trying to come up with a good segway into part 2 of this chapter...
This is the best I could come up with, so if you could write it better, you wouldn't be reading this to begin with now would you? So fuck you.
My mother (the saint that she is) has told me since birth that if a woman feels that she is in a position to hit a man, she should expect to be treated as such. Like a man, for the slow class. Can you hear me in the back?? Ok good. Now, I would like to go on record here and say that I, personally, have never hit a woman. I have, however, been hit, kicked, slapped, screamed at, pinched (don't ever fucking pinch me), you name it, they've done it. Why Ollie? Why, if you're such an ice cold son of a bitch, why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to hit a bitch who is more than deserving of said backhand/throat jab? Well, because in my personal experiences, it was one of two situations. 1. I caused the commotion to begin with, or 2. it was in a public forum, and that is one cross I wasn't willing to bare. Contrary to popular belief, I love women, I just can't stand them.
My personal belief in the whole "girls hitting guys" debate is that a girl has 3 chances. That's right. I said 3. If she hits/kicks/slaps you in 3 different engagements, that is grounds for a firm, not violent, but firm, reminder that she is indeed a woman, and you are wearing the fucking pants in this relationship.
I've known alot of girls over the years with excellent titties who were openly willing to display them at a moment's notice. I love those girls. What I don't love, as a matter of fact, I completely hate, is when that girl happens to be the girl that I am "with" at a given time. Ladies, when you're single, be free. Let those titties breathe. Throw em out on the table. Compare with your friends (preferably in large groups of men) but when you're on lock down, i.e. "got a man" (how long you had that problem? haha) the goods are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for that guy. That's it. No if's, and's, or but's. (Unless of course the if is young Ollie da Don, in which case, you already... I am the exception to every rule.) No guy wants his buddy to tell him how good or bad your titties are after you drunkenly flashed them at last year's super bowl party. So, to drive this point home one final time: If you're single, everyone should be priveledged enough to see the goodies, if you're locked up, keep it tight.
Along with the girls that like to show their tits typically roam the girls that get excessively drunk at inappropriate times. Ladies, unless previously arranged, you should NEVER, at any point, be more inebriated than your significant other. It's just not a good look. Sloppy drunk girls are embarassing and clingy. Keep your composure. Your job is to make your man look and feel better. If he is constantly lookin over his shoulder to make sure you haven't fallen down, or thrown up, or flopped the titties out on the bar, you can be damn sure he isn't having a good time. And we all know what that means, if the man ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Stick to the script, and follow the scale. Be honest with yourselves, and you'll be navigating thru troubled waters like an old sea captain with an eye patch and a wooden leg in no time.
I'm here for you. If you have something you would like addressed, please feel free to email me, day or night, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com. I will post the question annonymously and answer with severe conviction.
Despite the solid response to Chapter 1 of the Female Guide to Dating, there were obviously some naysayers and critics. Fortunately for me, and the rest of the readers of this blog, criticism only fuels my fire and reinforces my absurd opinions on the matter of dating, and the general lunacy that dwells deep within the caverns of the female mind.
For today's chapter, I want to delve into the world of obligations...
Chapter 2. Being a Girlfriend is a Full Time Job:
Ladies, it's better if you know now, rather than waiting til the eventual collapse of your relationship, that being a girlfriend is a full-time job, whereas for a man, it is more of an "as-needed" scenario. I understand how sexist this may come across, but if you are going to secure your position as his "bottom bitch" (that is a term of endearment for most), learn this lesson early and often and put it to good use.
Let him be the man in the relationship. What does that entail exactly? Simple. He picks the restaurant. He pays for the meal. Trust in this, there is nothing worse than offering to split the check with a man. It serves as a tremendous blow to his ego, which is a most definite no-no. Your job as a girlfrined consists of many things, but somewhere near the top of that list is the law written on the back of Moses' stones (ten commandments): Thou shalt stroke thy man's ego. The stroking of the ego comes in many forms, ranging from sitting in the corner quietly while he conducts his business, all the way to defending his drunken outbursts at your family's holiday dinner. It is important to know that if he does choose to fight your father, you always take his (your man's) side. Father's love their daughters out of obligation, men love their women by choice. Or because they chose to settle because it didn't seem like anything else better would be coming along. Besides that, embedded deep within the man's DNA lies a special chromosome that allows fist fights to turn into friendships immediately following the carnage. So, after the fight, 7 times out of 10 the man will get up, shake father's hand, and be done with it. If, in the off chance this doesn't happen, ladies should already have the car running and a middle finger ready to show their father as soon as the fight is over. Also, no matter the outcome, ALWAYS tell him how much he kicked your dad's ass.
Double standards exist. It's a fact. Take for instance the fact that men are (or should be) allowed to scope out any little birdy they see. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to check out the fellas, just so long as it is in the privacy of your own quarters or whilst hangin out with that group of friends that your man hates. It's a pretty common statistic that 60% of your friends are not going to like the man you have chosen. Why? Jealousy really. Simple and plain. So if it requires you burning a few bridges with aquaintances from yesteryear, Fuck 'Em, you got your man and thats all you need anyway. Conversely, the guy will never be giving up his friends, so it's best you just learn to live with them.
Sticking with the double standard theme for a second, I want to discuss oral pleasure. For a man, getting a blowjob is a god given right. In all seriousness, men would not even bother to put up with a woman's psychosis if it wasn't so difficult to find someone to blow us regularly. Sure there are prostitutes, but why waste perfectly good, hard earned beer money on a hoe, when you got a perfectly suitable (hopefully after reading this novel) girlfriend at home just waiting to polish you off? However, recieving and giving are 2 completely different things. And I know that the old adage reads "tis better to give than recieve", but that is pure horseshit. When it comes to oral, it is always better to recieve than give. That's the reason that the ratio of his pleasure to yours should read somewhere along the lines of 10:1. He gets 10 blowjobs to every one time he goes down. Unless of course ladies, you hit the jackpot and found a guy who actually enjoys crawling around and fumbling between your legs, in which case, you don't really need to be reading this guide so you are more than welcome to just X this screen right now.
While we are on the subject of ego inflation and sexual favors, I feel it is important to point out the fact that female orgasms are, by nature, much more difficult to achieve than male orgasms. We know this. You know this. So, in order to keep that man you are so desperately trying to please happy, always, ALWAYS, fake your arrival if he failed to fulfill his duties. There is nothing worse than the man having to ask if you finished, if he even bothers to care at all.
Bossy women get forgotten and left with the quickness. Sure, there are a select group of fellas out there who are desperately seeking a woman who controls everything. They are (un)affectionately known as "in the closet" homosexuals, and more often than not, will turn out to be a ladies best friend. Men hate that guy. Your gay friends bother us. Most times it's not a matter of homophobia, more a matter of wanting to slap that guy back into his role as a man. We don't understand the desire to be gay. Men, in general, are self absorbed pigs. Why would we want to co-habitate with another man, especially one displaying feminine qualities and general cat ass behavior on a regular basis.
Moving on. Ladies, it is important to dress appropriately at all times. Sweats are unattractive and completely unstimulating. We don't care if you're menstrating. In fact, we enjoy that one week a month. Why? Simple, it means blowjobs every night as compared to actually having to do any sort of strenuous activity and have sex. Think of it as a weekend. If the relationship is a job (which it is), the week of the period is our vacation from it. So, during the courtship, and 10 years into the relationship, you should be treating every day like you are going to the Oscars. Put on that dress. Fix your hair. Do your makeup. All of these things go hand in hand with a man's sexual appetite. On the flip side of that coin, if we choose to wear our sweats to your grandmother's 90th birthday party, just know that we have a good reason for it. I'm sure you're wondering what that reason is, but just keep that question locked away in your brain. No sense in starting a fight on the way to Grandma's b-day party right? RIGHT. Now you're learning.
Keep it tight. No, I'm not talking about your kegel excercises. I'm talking about the stomach, hips, thighs, and tailpiece. Hit those squats. Do those lunges. Crunch those abs. A man's worst fear is the girl getting comfortable in the relationship and letting herself go. Hittin' the gym regularly shows your man that you are dedicated to keepin that body lookin fit, and that is a great quality to display.
I seem to be noticing a trend over the last 3-5 years of these half gay roid heads puttin in 12 hours a day at the gym and rockin that spray tan as a means to attract ladies. Those guys are pussy. Real men wear beards and keep a beer belly. Yes, I know, I just lumped myself into the category of "real men", but hey, "if the shoe fits?" right... Back to the muscle heads. The overly worked out vanity muscles and veins bulging out of his forearms is compensation for lack of personality, a small member, or both. So, for the girls who think that the muscle head roid freak is their type, it's time to stop reading here. If you really want one of those guys, all you gotta do is let him buy your drinks, you'll be roofied by drink #3 and most likely wake up pregnant 2 days later. Congrat-u-fuckin-lations.
Do the laundry. I know this sounds soooo "1950", but it's the truth. Fact: men do not enjoy doing laundry, but we sure as hell like to come home and find the laundry washed and folded and ready for wear. So you're home sick, if you expect me to bring you soup, you better use that sick day wisely by gettin that pile of laundry that has been accumulating on his floor washed and pressed. Trust me, when a girl does the laundry, it's a big turn on.
On the subject of housework, every woman should know how to cook AT LEAST 2 solid meals. I'm not talkin about whippin up some mac'n'cheese. I mean a meal. Lasagna. Tacos. Etc. Something that requires some effort. Don't stop there, learn how to make the side dishes too. Do you remember when you were a kid and mom had dinner ready for dad precisely at 5:30 as he walked in the door from his long day of work at the factory? Neither do I. But I do remember this statistic, somewhere between 40-50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. My hypothesis on this matter is simple, the bitch couldnt cook. HA.
I think that about sums up chapter 2 for now. Back with the next installment as soon as I get the time to write it.
The cold hard truth of the matter about yours truly is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a real son of a bitch. It's a fair assesment, save for the fact that my mother is a saint, which i assume to be the complete opposite of a bitch. But I digress... I spend countless hours of my valuable time writing man laws, womanizing, pointing out the flaws in people, and just generally acting like a raging chauvenist prick. So today, with a little inspiration from a few of my "to remain nameless" female friends, I am going to show the ladies a little bit of love and give them a step by step guide to dating, not only men, but the assholes too.
A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...
First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.
Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".
My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.
Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.
Chapter 1: Get out of your head.
Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".
Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.
Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.
Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"
Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."
Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.
Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."
Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.
Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?
Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.
Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.
Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.
In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.
Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".
Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.
Dude, I had no idea what to expect when i clicked on this video, but damn am I happy that I did. That auto-tune in the hook is just unreal, and that 1981 apple computer frankenstein monster he's using to create this masterpiece just makes it that much better. ha.
****Update****
I'm lookin at that mess on the table, am I seeing a weedwhacker motor? Man, this guy is dangerously smooth.
1. If you can grow a beard, grow a fucking beard. PERIOD.
2. After the age of 12, any physical pain you suffer shall not result in tears. I don't care if you've compound fractured your femur, suck that shit up and rub some dirt on it.
3. After you have experienced your first heartbreak, crying over a woman is a waste of valuable time that could be better spent chopping down trees and enjoying that massive beard you have grown since that bitch left.
4. It is completely acceptable to cry during the movies "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Old Yeller".
5. When given the option to fuck or have your laundry done... Get the laundry done. If she was willing to fuck you before doing the laundry, she will be willing to fuck you after the laundry is done. That laundry ain't gonna do itself.
6. Never leave the fo' sho' pussy fo some mo' pussy.
7. With the exception of your's truly, YOU are NOT getting any better looking with age.
8. You married your high school sweetheart? Congratulations DICK. You never get to see another stitch of tail for the rest of your life.
9. Drinking on your lunch break is completely acceptable, so long as it is a light beer. Save the leaded for after work.
10. If you can't change a tire, kill yourself RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
11. There is no such thing as "the right one", there's the one you want, the one you got, the one you could never have, and the one you wished you never met. In no particular order, of course.
12. If you have won every fight you've ever been in, you haven't been in enough fights.
13. You don't pay the hooker to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
14. If the restaurant does not have a minimum of 3 DIFFERENT cuts of red meat, walk the fuck out.
15. Mother comes before all other females.
16. Happiness, for the most part, is completely fabricated. The only truly happy people in the world are the people who, in all sincerity, do not give a FUCK.
17. The number of true friends you have in this world can be measured on one hand, anything beyond that, you don't comprehend TRUE friends.
18. If you are still currently backing Obama's health care initiative, your balls are gone.
19. Respect is earned, never given.
20. Silence is golden.
21. If your girl has more guy friends than girl friends, she's cheating on you.
22. All women are sisters and would rather eat your heart than give birth to your spawn.
23. If you've never caught a fish... I don't even have to finish.
2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.
If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...
It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?
I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?
First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.
Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.
I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...
#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.
I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.
I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.
I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.
This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...
Some things that are great...
-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.
-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.
-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.
I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.
If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.
Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."
I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.
2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs
Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.
3. Feminists
I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:
and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.
4. Female Child Actors
God I hate you.
5. Audience participation.
Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.
6. Men with pony tails.
Why?
7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.
Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.
8. My Friends.
Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.
I love you guys.
9. Deflating an air mattress.
You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.
10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.
But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.
11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.
I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.
12. Condoms.
Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.
13. Patent leather shoes.
Yep. You look like a DICK.
14. Denim Shorts.
Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.
15. Biting my tongue.
Self explanatory
16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.
FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.
Last (for now) but certainly not least...
17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.
I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.
That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.
Loyal BAMA reader who has decided to take on the blogging world for herself.
Hope hit me up like 2 or 3 weeks back to let me know about her new blogging project and I was impressed. Not because of the layout of the site or anything, but because of the originality of the topic.
The criteria to get on Hope's blog is quite simple: Have a beard.
So I'm making my normal rounds on the web, checking out random celebrity gossip sites when I stumble onto these photos of long time favorite Jessica Biel outside the studios of "The Late Show" or some shit:
What the fuck happened Jessica? I mean seriously, just last year you looked like this:
I am gonna go with bad wardrobe decision on this one, but a memo to J Beezy, homegirl, you better double up on the squats/lunges/thrusts. Just last year you were in the running for baddest white chick in the game and now you're rockin the square tail, pancake spongebob special.
I know the boys Brock and Lake from Us Versus Them will be chiming in on this one.
So what do the rest of the 6 readers of this blog think? Is Jessica losing the tail piece?
And still, I am not all that intrigued by the NBA playoffs. Granted, these playoffs have shaped up to be a bit more compelling than previous years, but nonetheless, the wrong teams are winning.
I think it is fair to assume that 90% of the world (the other 10% are Nuggets or Magic fans) wants to see a Lebron James vs. Kobe Bryant final. I know I do. So with the Cavs currently down 3-1 in their showdown with the Magic, and the Lakers knotted up at 2-2 against the Nuggets, the world is starting to worry about not getting what they want.
Here is a brief recap of the Cleveland/Orlando series in picture form...
Lebron, you need to be doing alot more of this...
and alot less of this...
Meanwhile, this guy...
has been doing nothing but this...
and the rest of the Cavaliers squad has been gettin served by a cat that looks like this...
HAHA. Flat out unacceptable. All I can say about this series is that Cleveland's running over of those weak ass 7/8 seeds in the first 2 rounds proves one thing...
Man, that shit is classic. Pure. Raw. Emotion.
Now to the Lakers/Nuggets series. I can't figure this shit out. Trying to bet this series has been nothing but pain for me, so I am going to take a different route to find out who ultimately will be the winner of this series.
Lets take it to the stars of their respective teams and their wives.
First up we have power couple (barf) Carmelo Anthony and Lala Vasquez (of MTV fame?).
Why does Carmelo insist on wearing those god awful bucket caps?
I can't front, Carmelo has been a straight up beast in these playoffs and continually taken it to Kobe every chance he gets.
Those bucket caps are really quite faggy, so several points get deducted right out the gate for wardrobe choices.
Now we get to young 'Melo's piece, the lovely miss LaLa...
Silky smooth skin tone. Chest plate on blast. That "good" hair. Thicker than a snicker, and then you get to the tail piece and it's just.. "eh"...
you see what I'm sayin...
Carmelo gets redemption tho because rumor has it that he was gettin some side cut with one the BAMA's current favorites, ms. Meagan Good.
Go 'head girl...
Everyone knows Kobe's wife is a rider. She took the hit when Kobe caught that rape charge, and she looks good for a mother of 2(?)...
lets see the summertime 2 piece...
I aint mad at that Vanessa.
I think Kobe wins the battle of the wives, but unfortunately I found this photo:
and we asked Lebron what he thought:
Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
Now I know I called the Lakers to win the Western Conference and I'm gonna stick with 'em, but just know that I won't be surprised in the slightest if these Nuggets pull it off.
If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...
Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com
Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?
Who writes NickelPlatedBama?
Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.
What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?
Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.
Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.
When did NickelPlatedBama get started?
Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?
Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?
I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.
See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".
Why?
Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".
How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?
It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.
Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.
Disclaimer:
While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.
