NICKELPLATEDBAMA: SMH

Showing posts with label SMH. Show all posts

Thursday, July 9, 2009

White People Ruin Everything

Remember this dumb ass bird from way back when??

Ok, everybody together now, tell us how you really feel...

Yep. That's it. We got her.

-Ollie

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Yes, I Do Realize The Blog Sucks Lately

Look, the sad truth of the matter is that I haven't really been putting in much of an effort to bring the people the heat they are used to from this blog.

I don't have an excuse, all I can say is, I'm lazy and haven't cared much.

On the other hand, I have been trying to build the new site, create a new layout, get everything set up to move over to wordpress for hosting and redirecting the URL so the readers can just type nickelplatedbama.com rather than .blogspot.com or .wordpress.com.

I am working hard, but hardly working all at the same time.

Some good news though:

I got word from Makeshift today that the "No Doze" mixtape should be in mp3 format by the weekend, meaning it will be available for download through this site sometime next week (fingers crossed).

And just because you people have been so loyal, here is a video of pregnant teenagers dancing...

Fucking white people...

Shout to Ignored Prayers for being one of the best blogs on the net.

-Olls

Monday, May 4, 2009

Tell Your Mom To Quit Pagin' Me!

That's a down ass bitch rite chea.

I can only imagine how haggard her face is judging by the chest plate. I assume it goes without saying, but "YES, I would". Why? Well, that's a bold fuckin' statement right there tattooed on her titties so I would have no option but to take shorty to court and get the scoop. ya dig??

Shouts to h8torade.com for the scoop on this ridiculous photo.

Short and mean today.

-Ollie

Monday, April 20, 2009

Vodka Soaked Tampons: WTF

Ok, so the story goes like this...

TBC (the ball and chain for the new readers) comes home raving about this wild ass story her boss was telling her about over hearing these kids out in the desert shoving vodka soaked tampons up there yams and backs.

I couldn't fuckin' believe it.

Apparently this shit is big in the streets. I had to do a little research and, well, just watch...

Yes. This is real. This is a legitimate phenomenon taking place right here in our country. Young girls have taken to shoving vodka soaked tampons in their most sacred of places to catch a buzz.

Rumor has it, these kids are ingesting booze via their twats and assholes to be able to pass breathalyzers. HAHAHA.

It's these same mouth breathing morons that came up with these ideas of shoving beer bongs in their assholes, and booze drenched tampons in their 'ginas, that would think it would keep them out of hand cuffs when taking a breathalyzer test. As most normal functioning people that have ever had to take a breathalizer would know; breathalyzers don't measure the amount of alcohol on your breath. Rather, they approximate the amount of alcohol flowing through your blood that is passed through the lungs and expelled IN your breath.

For more info, Click Here To Find Out How Stuff Works.

More importantly, I want to address the fact that DUDES ARE STRAIGHT STICKING BEER BONG TUBES UP THERE ASSHOLES. Are you kidding me? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How the fuck was this decision made?

Where was the straight man in this decision making process?

Dude, I can't play along with this anymore. This has got to end. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

-Ollie

First Time Here?

If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...

Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com

Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Who writes NickelPlatedBama?

Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.

What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?

Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.

Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.

When did NickelPlatedBama get started?

Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?

Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?

I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.

See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".

Why?

Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".

How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?

It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.

Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.

Disclaimer:

While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.

Sincerely,

The Management

Nickelplatedbama 2008-2009