NICKELPLATEDBAMA: NBA

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

It's Down To The Conference Finals:

And still, I am not all that intrigued by the NBA playoffs. Granted, these playoffs have shaped up to be a bit more compelling than previous years, but nonetheless, the wrong teams are winning.

I think it is fair to assume that 90% of the world (the other 10% are Nuggets or Magic fans) wants to see a Lebron James vs. Kobe Bryant final. I know I do. So with the Cavs currently down 3-1 in their showdown with the Magic, and the Lakers knotted up at 2-2 against the Nuggets, the world is starting to worry about not getting what they want.

Here is a brief recap of the Cleveland/Orlando series in picture form...

Lebron, you need to be doing alot more of this...

and alot less of this...

Meanwhile, this guy...

has been doing nothing but this...

and the rest of the Cavaliers squad has been gettin served by a cat that looks like this...

HAHA. Flat out unacceptable. All I can say about this series is that Cleveland's running over of those weak ass 7/8 seeds in the first 2 rounds proves one thing...

Man, that shit is classic. Pure. Raw. Emotion.

Now to the Lakers/Nuggets series. I can't figure this shit out. Trying to bet this series has been nothing but pain for me, so I am going to take a different route to find out who ultimately will be the winner of this series.

Lets take it to the stars of their respective teams and their wives.

First up we have power couple (barf) Carmelo Anthony and Lala Vasquez (of MTV fame?).

Why does Carmelo insist on wearing those god awful bucket caps?

I can't front, Carmelo has been a straight up beast in these playoffs and continually taken it to Kobe every chance he gets.

Those bucket caps are really quite faggy, so several points get deducted right out the gate for wardrobe choices.

Now we get to young 'Melo's piece, the lovely miss LaLa...

Silky smooth skin tone. Chest plate on blast. That "good" hair. Thicker than a snicker, and then you get to the tail piece and it's just.. "eh"...

you see what I'm sayin...

Carmelo gets redemption tho because rumor has it that he was gettin some side cut with one the BAMA's current favorites, ms. Meagan Good.

Go 'head girl...

Everyone knows Kobe's wife is a rider. She took the hit when Kobe caught that rape charge, and she looks good for a mother of 2(?)...

lets see the summertime 2 piece...

I aint mad at that Vanessa.

I think Kobe wins the battle of the wives, but unfortunately I found this photo:

and we asked Lebron what he thought:

Yeah, my sentiments exactly.

Now I know I called the Lakers to win the Western Conference and I'm gonna stick with 'em, but just know that I won't be surprised in the slightest if these Nuggets pull it off.

-Ollie the analyst

Monday, May 18, 2009

Awkward Moments: Chris Webber vs. Kenny Smith

I've been noticing this since the beginning of the playoffs but never really decided to mention it until now.

I have come to the conclusion that:

A. Chris Webber does not like Kenny Smith.

B. Chris Webber would put the O.G. official ass whoopin on ol' Ken-dog.

Peep some video evidence of CWebb's thoroughness right here...

Every time Cwebb hits him with the "c'mon man" you can see it in Kenny's eyes. Kenny doesn't know what my man Webber's gonna do. Is he fittin' to ack-a-fool, or is he gonna keep his composure for the sake of television? Cwebb is the wild card. HAHA.

The boys at Us Versus Them get credit for the photo, but here is the patended Chris Webber, "C'mon man" look...

.

I think Kenny Smith knows that Cwebb is a street cat on some Steve Harvey "don't let the suit fool you, i'm from the projects" type shit. I mean, Cwebb spent MAD years in the bay area gettin hyphy with the likes of Yukmouth and the Luniz.

And while this may very well be the most cat-ass smile I have ever seen, you can still see a glimmer of that crazy eye that Cwebb stays showin cats.

While I'm on the subject Chris Webber and Kenny Smith, what the fuck is up with that new telestrator bullshit toy TNT's got him (Kenny Smith) playin' with. That shit is wack. Biggest waste of time in the history of televised sports analysis.

I just spent 20 minutes lookin' for video of that stupid machine he's using and came up completely dry. If anyone finds it, give me a shout. nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

Bottom line: Chris Webber is from the "Charles Barkley, hold no punches, kick 'em when they're down" school of philosophy and I can get behind that (no homo).

-Ollie the Analyst

First Time Here?

If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...

Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com

Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Who writes NickelPlatedBama?

Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.

What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?

Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.

Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.

When did NickelPlatedBama get started?

Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?

Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?

I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.

See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".

Why?

Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".

How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?

It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.

Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.

Disclaimer:

While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.

Sincerely,

The Management

Nickelplatedbama 2008-2009