Yo, I've had my eye on ms. Lohan for like 5 years now. I know she has seen her share of ups and downs (more downs than ups tho), but when she needs to, she can still bring that sexy.
is it wrong that my favorite part of this picture is the cigarette?
She is still defying all laws of nature. Skinny white girl with red hair but humongous tits? That's like finding a pink striped zebra indigenous to the metropolitan Detroit area...
P.S. Am I the only one still prayin for that sex tape?
Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.
Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.
**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**
So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?
** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.
Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?
("Yeah, she's with me.")
Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?
Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:
If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.
Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.
Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??
Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.
P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.
I realize that is an old flick, thus the reason it is going up on throwback thursday, and while I'm at it, a few more certified bangers for the fellas...
Tell me the classics don't hit the spot... Go head.
Ladies, get your squat/lunge game tight for the summertime... But never fear, Uncle Ollie still loves you... All of you.
Every hot chick on the planet gets hit with that stigma at least once when they are at their peak.
Remember Ciara? She was supposedly a man.
Lady Gaga? While she may not be hot, or even attractive in the face at all, you can be damn sure she has that fat ass REMEMBER??
Anyways, back to the point. Some idiot from some no name, god-awful News Source is claiming that Megan Fox was born a man.
The story goes on to say, and I quote:
"Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee. From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing. When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit. By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’. Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time. As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense. Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors."
WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??
This is worse than most National Enquirer stories I have ever heard of.
Am I really supposed to believe that this:
is anything less than top 3 hottest women on the globe right now? (Spots one and two are reserved for TBC and Kate Beckinsale respectively.)
What a bullshit fabricated story, but it gave me a reason to put up some Megon Fox flicks (that I have actually never done in the history of this blog) so thanks!
A few more to help cool the burn...
Even tho there is no real tail to speak of, I still appreciate the effort.
One of the Bamettes hipped me to this the other day. I never gave this chick a second look. I mean, she's fly, but she wasn't packin heat where it counted. Or was she??
That thigh game is ferocious, but is there a tail back there??
You're damn right there's a tail. Is she the new Jessica Biel?
I can't go that far yet. What I can say is this: I have spent an unreasonable amount of time reviewing these photos and I seriously can't seem to find a single thing wrong with Kate Beckinsale. She is as close to flawless as I can find.
Let's review:
Pretty face? Decent chest plate?
Check. Check. Fierce thighs? Smooth stomach?
Check. Check. Tail?
Chiggity Check. Hot euro accent?
Yep. Look out Nelly Furtado, Kate Beckinsale is coming for that #1 spot.
I don't care what anybody says, I have been waiting to see these tits hangin out since I was like 16 years old.
Apparently, some time back in 2007 Britney had the great idea to shoot the music video for some bullshit ass song called "Gimme More" topless.
Great decision. Somebody got some stills from the video and posted em up for the world to see and enjoy. My gift to you...
Now that my friends is a public service.
I also want to mention this while I am discussing Britney. Crazy or not, I still got love for her. EVERYONE in the world that says she aint bad is lying or is gay.
Ask the UVT boys, Britney started the thick white chick movement and damnit if she isn't slowly (but surely) bringin it back.
So I'm making my normal rounds on the web, checking out random celebrity gossip sites when I stumble onto these photos of long time favorite Jessica Biel outside the studios of "The Late Show" or some shit:
What the fuck happened Jessica? I mean seriously, just last year you looked like this:
I am gonna go with bad wardrobe decision on this one, but a memo to J Beezy, homegirl, you better double up on the squats/lunges/thrusts. Just last year you were in the running for baddest white chick in the game and now you're rockin the square tail, pancake spongebob special.
I know the boys Brock and Lake from Us Versus Them will be chiming in on this one.
So what do the rest of the 6 readers of this blog think? Is Jessica losing the tail piece?
And still, I am not all that intrigued by the NBA playoffs. Granted, these playoffs have shaped up to be a bit more compelling than previous years, but nonetheless, the wrong teams are winning.
I think it is fair to assume that 90% of the world (the other 10% are Nuggets or Magic fans) wants to see a Lebron James vs. Kobe Bryant final. I know I do. So with the Cavs currently down 3-1 in their showdown with the Magic, and the Lakers knotted up at 2-2 against the Nuggets, the world is starting to worry about not getting what they want.
Here is a brief recap of the Cleveland/Orlando series in picture form...
Lebron, you need to be doing alot more of this...
and alot less of this...
Meanwhile, this guy...
has been doing nothing but this...
and the rest of the Cavaliers squad has been gettin served by a cat that looks like this...
HAHA. Flat out unacceptable. All I can say about this series is that Cleveland's running over of those weak ass 7/8 seeds in the first 2 rounds proves one thing...
Man, that shit is classic. Pure. Raw. Emotion.
Now to the Lakers/Nuggets series. I can't figure this shit out. Trying to bet this series has been nothing but pain for me, so I am going to take a different route to find out who ultimately will be the winner of this series.
Lets take it to the stars of their respective teams and their wives.
First up we have power couple (barf) Carmelo Anthony and Lala Vasquez (of MTV fame?).
Why does Carmelo insist on wearing those god awful bucket caps?
I can't front, Carmelo has been a straight up beast in these playoffs and continually taken it to Kobe every chance he gets.
Those bucket caps are really quite faggy, so several points get deducted right out the gate for wardrobe choices.
Now we get to young 'Melo's piece, the lovely miss LaLa...
Silky smooth skin tone. Chest plate on blast. That "good" hair. Thicker than a snicker, and then you get to the tail piece and it's just.. "eh"...
you see what I'm sayin...
Carmelo gets redemption tho because rumor has it that he was gettin some side cut with one the BAMA's current favorites, ms. Meagan Good.
Go 'head girl...
Everyone knows Kobe's wife is a rider. She took the hit when Kobe caught that rape charge, and she looks good for a mother of 2(?)...
lets see the summertime 2 piece...
I aint mad at that Vanessa.
I think Kobe wins the battle of the wives, but unfortunately I found this photo:
and we asked Lebron what he thought:
Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
Now I know I called the Lakers to win the Western Conference and I'm gonna stick with 'em, but just know that I won't be surprised in the slightest if these Nuggets pull it off.
If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...
Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com
Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?
Who writes NickelPlatedBama?
Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.
What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?
Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.
Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.
When did NickelPlatedBama get started?
Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?
Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?
I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.
See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".
Why?
Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".
How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?
It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.
Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.
Disclaimer:
While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.
