Thursday, December 3, 2009

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 2

Despite the solid response to Chapter 1 of the Female Guide to Dating, there were obviously some naysayers and critics. Fortunately for me, and the rest of the readers of this blog, criticism only fuels my fire and reinforces my absurd opinions on the matter of dating, and the general lunacy that dwells deep within the caverns of the female mind.

For today's chapter, I want to delve into the world of obligations...

Chapter 2. Being a Girlfriend is a Full Time Job:

Ladies, it's better if you know now, rather than waiting til the eventual collapse of your relationship, that being a girlfriend is a full-time job, whereas for a man, it is more of an "as-needed" scenario. I understand how sexist this may come across, but if you are going to secure your position as his "bottom bitch" (that is a term of endearment for most), learn this lesson early and often and put it to good use.

Let him be the man in the relationship. What does that entail exactly? Simple. He picks the restaurant. He pays for the meal. Trust in this, there is nothing worse than offering to split the check with a man. It serves as a tremendous blow to his ego, which is a most definite no-no. Your job as a girlfrined consists of many things, but somewhere near the top of that list is the law written on the back of Moses' stones (ten commandments): Thou shalt stroke thy man's ego. The stroking of the ego comes in many forms, ranging from sitting in the corner quietly while he conducts his business, all the way to defending his drunken outbursts at your family's holiday dinner. It is important to know that if he does choose to fight your father, you always take his (your man's) side. Father's love their daughters out of obligation, men love their women by choice. Or because they chose to settle because it didn't seem like anything else better would be coming along. Besides that, embedded deep within the man's DNA lies a special chromosome that allows fist fights to turn into friendships immediately following the carnage. So, after the fight, 7 times out of 10 the man will get up, shake father's hand, and be done with it. If, in the off chance this doesn't happen, ladies should already have the car running and a middle finger ready to show their father as soon as the fight is over. Also, no matter the outcome, ALWAYS tell him how much he kicked your dad's ass.

Double standards exist. It's a fact. Take for instance the fact that men are (or should be) allowed to scope out any little birdy they see. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to check out the fellas, just so long as it is in the privacy of your own quarters or whilst hangin out with that group of friends that your man hates. It's a pretty common statistic that 60% of your friends are not going to like the man you have chosen. Why? Jealousy really. Simple and plain. So if it requires you burning a few bridges with aquaintances from yesteryear, Fuck 'Em, you got your man and thats all you need anyway. Conversely, the guy will never be giving up his friends, so it's best you just learn to live with them.

Sticking with the double standard theme for a second, I want to discuss oral pleasure. For a man, getting a blowjob is a god given right. In all seriousness, men would not even bother to put up with a woman's psychosis if it wasn't so difficult to find someone to blow us regularly. Sure there are prostitutes, but why waste perfectly good, hard earned beer money on a hoe, when you got a perfectly suitable (hopefully after reading this novel) girlfriend at home just waiting to polish you off? However, recieving and giving are 2 completely different things. And I know that the old adage reads "tis better to give than recieve", but that is pure horseshit. When it comes to oral, it is always better to recieve than give. That's the reason that the ratio of his pleasure to yours should read somewhere along the lines of 10:1. He gets 10 blowjobs to every one time he goes down. Unless of course ladies, you hit the jackpot and found a guy who actually enjoys crawling around and fumbling between your legs, in which case, you don't really need to be reading this guide so you are more than welcome to just X this screen right now.

While we are on the subject of ego inflation and sexual favors, I feel it is important to point out the fact that female orgasms are, by nature, much more difficult to achieve than male orgasms. We know this. You know this. So, in order to keep that man you are so desperately trying to please happy, always, ALWAYS, fake your arrival if he failed to fulfill his duties. There is nothing worse than the man having to ask if you finished, if he even bothers to care at all.

Bossy women get forgotten and left with the quickness. Sure, there are a select group of fellas out there who are desperately seeking a woman who controls everything. They are (un)affectionately known as "in the closet" homosexuals, and more often than not, will turn out to be a ladies best friend. Men hate that guy. Your gay friends bother us. Most times it's not a matter of homophobia, more a matter of wanting to slap that guy back into his role as a man. We don't understand the desire to be gay. Men, in general, are self absorbed pigs. Why would we want to co-habitate with another man, especially one displaying feminine qualities and general cat ass behavior on a regular basis.

Moving on. Ladies, it is important to dress appropriately at all times. Sweats are unattractive and completely unstimulating. We don't care if you're menstrating. In fact, we enjoy that one week a month. Why? Simple, it means blowjobs every night as compared to actually having to do any sort of strenuous activity and have sex. Think of it as a weekend. If the relationship is a job (which it is), the week of the period is our vacation from it. So, during the courtship, and 10 years into the relationship, you should be treating every day like you are going to the Oscars. Put on that dress. Fix your hair. Do your makeup. All of these things go hand in hand with a man's sexual appetite. On the flip side of that coin, if we choose to wear our sweats to your grandmother's 90th birthday party, just know that we have a good reason for it. I'm sure you're wondering what that reason is, but just keep that question locked away in your brain. No sense in starting a fight on the way to Grandma's b-day party right? RIGHT. Now you're learning.

Keep it tight. No, I'm not talking about your kegel excercises. I'm talking about the stomach, hips, thighs, and tailpiece. Hit those squats. Do those lunges. Crunch those abs. A man's worst fear is the girl getting comfortable in the relationship and letting herself go. Hittin' the gym regularly shows your man that you are dedicated to keepin that body lookin fit, and that is a great quality to display.

I seem to be noticing a trend over the last 3-5 years of these half gay roid heads puttin in 12 hours a day at the gym and rockin that spray tan as a means to attract ladies. Those guys are pussy. Real men wear beards and keep a beer belly. Yes, I know, I just lumped myself into the category of "real men", but hey, "if the shoe fits?" right... Back to the muscle heads. The overly worked out vanity muscles and veins bulging out of his forearms is compensation for lack of personality, a small member, or both. So, for the girls who think that the muscle head roid freak is their type, it's time to stop reading here. If you really want one of those guys, all you gotta do is let him buy your drinks, you'll be roofied by drink #3 and most likely wake up pregnant 2 days later. Congrat-u-fuckin-lations.

Do the laundry. I know this sounds soooo "1950", but it's the truth. Fact: men do not enjoy doing laundry, but we sure as hell like to come home and find the laundry washed and folded and ready for wear. So you're home sick, if you expect me to bring you soup, you better use that sick day wisely by gettin that pile of laundry that has been accumulating on his floor washed and pressed. Trust me, when a girl does the laundry, it's a big turn on.

On the subject of housework, every woman should know how to cook AT LEAST 2 solid meals. I'm not talkin about whippin up some mac'n'cheese. I mean a meal. Lasagna. Tacos. Etc. Something that requires some effort. Don't stop there, learn how to make the side dishes too. Do you remember when you were a kid and mom had dinner ready for dad precisely at 5:30 as he walked in the door from his long day of work at the factory? Neither do I. But I do remember this statistic, somewhere between 40-50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. My hypothesis on this matter is simple, the bitch couldnt cook. HA.

I think that about sums up chapter 2 for now. Back with the next installment as soon as I get the time to write it.

-Ollie the Scholar

No comments: