Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve

Short and sweet...

I'm gonna ruin some unlucky lady's night tonight. See ya'll on monday with photos from tonight's festivities.

I still hate everyone... if i was picking a new year's resolution, it would be to stop making resolutions and just be accountable for my actions.

-Oliver Wrist

Monday, December 28, 2009

Aint No Love in the Heart of the City

This is a painting I have been slowly working on over the last 2 weeks or so as a gift for my brother for Christmas...



As it sits now... approximately 68% done...

Some detail shots...





Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas

This will also serve as the throwback thursday post as well.

I fucking hate the holidays and everyone's joy. This is a time of stress and unwarranted gifts to people I dont talk to all year long, but still, I'm somehow required to give them something for the pleasure of knowing me. As if that wasn't enough.

Bah Humbug.

-Oliver Scrooge

Monday, December 21, 2009

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 4

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, Yes, I know chapter 3 was soft, but for good reason. I was setting up for the dagger to the heart. After an extended weekend away from writing "the guide", i'm back and more spiteful than ever. I just hope that it translates well from my brain to the keyboard. Fuck an intro, let's get it started.

Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.

Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.

Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...

Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...

We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...

Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.

Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.

Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.

-Ollie the Gifted

Another One Bites the Dust


R.I.P. Brittany Murphy.

I don't care to speculate, so I'll say I know for certain that she died from a heart attack as a result of her heroin addiction. It sucks.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 3

I took a brief, but well needed break from writing these little nuggets of wisdom for all you heathens to comtemplate the next logical step in the progression of this so called "book". Spent some time soul searching, but I came up empty because, according to most women (save for my mother, God love her), I don't have a soul, took some words of wisdom from several different sources, and despite my better judgement I have decided to proceed with the next chapter. I mean in all honesty, the response to the first 2 chapters has converted me into a "Dear Abbey" of sorts, so rather than address each person individually, I'm just gonna go ahead and spill my brain.

Chapter 3: The Statuate of Limitations.

Uggghhhhhhh... That's how I feel about writing this right now. This isn't one of those chapters where I can be playful and rude. In fact, this is a warning to everyone who continues on, this isn't typical Ollie... or maybe it is.

To be clear, this chapter will be separated into 2 categories. The first will deal with the boundaries of who is/isn't off limits based on familial and friendship ties. The second will deal with where the line in the sand shall be drawn for ladies who tend to hang on the overzealous side of the fence, and hit their man in public, cause scenes, expose themselves publicly, etc.

So without anymore build up, I just want to say this: Don't read this if you are unstable. I don't need to stabbed or slandered the next time you see me. HAHA.

And were off...

As far as I know, there has never been an actual reference guide to decide when/if it is right/wrong to date the former significant other of a personal friend or family member. With that said, this will now be THE OFFICIAL reference guide for not only getting past that old fling, but getting onto your best friend's former love interest. All the dating guides (everyone elses blubbery bullshit, this is the realness over here) tell you that it should take "approximately half the time you were involved with someone to get over them". Meaning simply: If you dated for a year, you should be over it in 6 months...

I beg to differ. I'm just gonna throw this out there now: Sluts heal faster. It's a fact. So ladies, if you want to be able to get over the last asshole you dated, get onto a new asshole, and keep doing that until eventually you have become a heartless/soulless spawn of satan (like yours truly). Then, and only then, will you be able to see the world as your personal playground and reap the benefits of a shameless existence. Seems easy enough right? AHHNT. Wrong. The problem is, girls have more emotions than men. They show it more often, they react differently to situations, and in general, tend to have more respect for themselves than the other half of the human race. This is a very slippery slope we are attempting to navigate. So bare with me...

For fairness sake, I am going to say that yes, it is more often than not, absolutely positively 100% possible to find a new guy/girl to latch onto that has absolutely zero ties to anyone you know. Really tho, what's the fun in that? Sure, you could move away and find yourself a good ol' boy, but, for the sake of this arguement, let's just say the chances of that happening are about 1 in 73,256. That's a nice round figure. So, what if... What if the new apple of your eye happens to be a former fling/boyfriend/fuck buddy of one of your friends or family members? Is it wrong to cross that line with them? Is it immoral to find comfort in the arms of a person who once dated/fucked your brother/sister/cousin/friend/co-worker/etc.??

The answer is yesno. Look, everyone has their own set of values and their own personal moral compass. No matter what you believe, spiritually or otherwise, it is never easy to justify the tainting of one's friendship for the sake of passion. But this is not a guide on morals were discussing here, if you're looking for moral support or justification, you have quite literally come to the worst possible source. What I am talking about is a pure numbers game.

So let's get down to the mathematics.

Your friend hooked up with this guy a few times, 3 months ago, and it was completely casual. Is it ok for you to fuck him? Absolutely.

Your friend dated this guy for 6 months, it ended 6 months ago, he broke her heart. Are you in the clear? Maybe. It depends on the level of friendship.

Let me break it down like this:

On a scale of 1-5, where does the above stated friend rank?

1- you shared a class with her in high school.
2- you were friends all thru elementary school, but then you got cool and she stayed nerdy.
3- you'd be invited to the wedding, but she wouldn't neccessarily care if you showed up.
4- You guys have a really strong bond and hang out pretty regularly.
5- She's your sister and you would die for her.

**NOTE** This scale applies to both men and women.

If your relationship status with said friend is anywhere in levels 1-3, you're in hog heaven. Fuck her, she would still be your friend if she was worth having around anyways. Right?

If she happens to fall between the cracks of 3 and 4, you're probably going to be ok, so long as she is a logical thinker. And by logical I mean, she wouldn't be nice to your face and then cut off half of your hair while you sleep out of spite.

If she ranks a solid 4, in this case (6 month relationship, been over 6 months) you are absolutely justified in testing the waters. The truth is, if he broke her heart, he'll prolly do the same to you, but hey, life's a gamble right? Roll those motherfuckin' dice and get it crackin'.

For the sake of self preservation, I will refrain from making the arguement that it is ok to go forward with a level 5.

Now, let's say that your friend dated a fella for a solid year or two. They had some troubles, eventually it didn't work out. They have both moved on and the relationship has been over longer than it lasted. How do the numbers play out here?

Levels 1-3: See above.

The level 4 gets tricky. It is a situation where, as a friend to you, the girl should understand that you are obviously taking a big risk in involving yourself with said individual and for that, she should respect the decision. Losing friends is common ground when it comes to dealing with relationships, but like I mentioned before, guys hate 70% of your friends anyway. So good riddance. Besides, if she was really your friend, she would want to see you sparkle, not fade. Furthermore, if the relationship has been over longer than it lasted, time has allowed for all wounds to heal, you prolly already know every bad thing there is to know about the guy to begin with, so there really shouldn't be much surprise. What always gets me is how entitled females get when it comes to a friend dating their ex. Let me just make it clear: He is your ex for a reason. Leave the guy alone, and focus on whoever you are currently making miserable but trying to make happy now. For insight on how to do this, please refer to chapters 1 and 2 located Here and Here.

As for level 5's, in any situation outside of a casual fuck session, I can honestly say that for chicks, it is never ok to fuck somebody who was emotionally tied to a level 5.

Conversely, guys have a completely different approach to this matter. Imma just go ahead and let Snoop and Nate Dogg tell you how it goes...

HAHA. Now of course that isn't true in all situations. If it's a bird brain chick with no morals or shame, of course it is perfectly acceptable to pass her around the circle. Shit, in fact, I personally believe that if a girl is willing to let herself get tossed around that easily, you might as well hit it twice.

Moving on tho, ladies, you have suffered with a smile thru all of my chauvenist rants, so I will give you some insight into the mind of one of the most self absorbed people you will prolly (n)ever meet. I mean, fair is fair right?

MOST men in the world only have enough heart to ever REALLY love a MAXIMUM of 3-5 women in their entire lives. Girls, on the other hand, can convince themselves they are in love after 2 dates and a couple solid sexual romps..

Back to the fellas...

The guy's scale is skewed, and since this is the female guide to dating and the fellas already know the rules, Im gonna keep it short and simple:

If the guy ever LOVED the girl and the homie rates anywhere above a 3 on the scale, she is off limits. Thats it. End of story.

I have literally been sitting here for 6 minutes trying to come up with a good segway into part 2 of this chapter...

This is the best I could come up with, so if you could write it better, you wouldn't be reading this to begin with now would you? So fuck you.

My mother (the saint that she is) has told me since birth that if a woman feels that she is in a position to hit a man, she should expect to be treated as such. Like a man, for the slow class. Can you hear me in the back?? Ok good. Now, I would like to go on record here and say that I, personally, have never hit a woman. I have, however, been hit, kicked, slapped, screamed at, pinched (don't ever fucking pinch me), you name it, they've done it. Why Ollie? Why, if you're such an ice cold son of a bitch, why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to hit a bitch who is more than deserving of said backhand/throat jab? Well, because in my personal experiences, it was one of two situations. 1. I caused the commotion to begin with, or 2. it was in a public forum, and that is one cross I wasn't willing to bare. Contrary to popular belief, I love women, I just can't stand them.

My personal belief in the whole "girls hitting guys" debate is that a girl has 3 chances. That's right. I said 3. If she hits/kicks/slaps you in 3 different engagements, that is grounds for a firm, not violent, but firm, reminder that she is indeed a woman, and you are wearing the fucking pants in this relationship.

I've known alot of girls over the years with excellent titties who were openly willing to display them at a moment's notice. I love those girls. What I don't love, as a matter of fact, I completely hate, is when that girl happens to be the girl that I am "with" at a given time. Ladies, when you're single, be free. Let those titties breathe. Throw em out on the table. Compare with your friends (preferably in large groups of men) but when you're on lock down, i.e. "got a man" (how long you had that problem? haha) the goods are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for that guy. That's it. No if's, and's, or but's. (Unless of course the if is young Ollie da Don, in which case, you already... I am the exception to every rule.) No guy wants his buddy to tell him how good or bad your titties are after you drunkenly flashed them at last year's super bowl party. So, to drive this point home one final time: If you're single, everyone should be priveledged enough to see the goodies, if you're locked up, keep it tight.

Along with the girls that like to show their tits typically roam the girls that get excessively drunk at inappropriate times. Ladies, unless previously arranged, you should NEVER, at any point, be more inebriated than your significant other. It's just not a good look. Sloppy drunk girls are embarassing and clingy. Keep your composure. Your job is to make your man look and feel better. If he is constantly lookin over his shoulder to make sure you haven't fallen down, or thrown up, or flopped the titties out on the bar, you can be damn sure he isn't having a good time. And we all know what that means, if the man ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Stick to the script, and follow the scale. Be honest with yourselves, and you'll be navigating thru troubled waters like an old sea captain with an eye patch and a wooden leg in no time.

I'm here for you. If you have something you would like addressed, please feel free to email me, day or night, I will post the question annonymously and answer with severe conviction.


Dear Sk8Mafia:

This deck fuckin rules.


I'll take 2. thanks. haha.

I see you Larelle... What up Shift?!


I Still Love Lindsey

Yo, I've had my eye on ms. Lohan for like 5 years now. I know she has seen her share of ups and downs (more downs than ups tho), but when she needs to, she can still bring that sexy.




is it wrong that my favorite part of this picture is the cigarette?


She is still defying all laws of nature. Skinny white girl with red hair but humongous tits? That's like finding a pink striped zebra indigenous to the metropolitan Detroit area...

P.S. Am I the only one still prayin for that sex tape?


Thursday, December 10, 2009

In Your Face Like A Buck Fitty Wit a Razor

Pure. Raw. Classic.

OC - Far From Yours. On my '97 shit yet again. Man I miss the days...


Thursday, December 3, 2009

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 2

Despite the solid response to Chapter 1 of the Female Guide to Dating, there were obviously some naysayers and critics. Fortunately for me, and the rest of the readers of this blog, criticism only fuels my fire and reinforces my absurd opinions on the matter of dating, and the general lunacy that dwells deep within the caverns of the female mind.

For today's chapter, I want to delve into the world of obligations...

Chapter 2. Being a Girlfriend is a Full Time Job:

Ladies, it's better if you know now, rather than waiting til the eventual collapse of your relationship, that being a girlfriend is a full-time job, whereas for a man, it is more of an "as-needed" scenario. I understand how sexist this may come across, but if you are going to secure your position as his "bottom bitch" (that is a term of endearment for most), learn this lesson early and often and put it to good use.

Let him be the man in the relationship. What does that entail exactly? Simple. He picks the restaurant. He pays for the meal. Trust in this, there is nothing worse than offering to split the check with a man. It serves as a tremendous blow to his ego, which is a most definite no-no. Your job as a girlfrined consists of many things, but somewhere near the top of that list is the law written on the back of Moses' stones (ten commandments): Thou shalt stroke thy man's ego. The stroking of the ego comes in many forms, ranging from sitting in the corner quietly while he conducts his business, all the way to defending his drunken outbursts at your family's holiday dinner. It is important to know that if he does choose to fight your father, you always take his (your man's) side. Father's love their daughters out of obligation, men love their women by choice. Or because they chose to settle because it didn't seem like anything else better would be coming along. Besides that, embedded deep within the man's DNA lies a special chromosome that allows fist fights to turn into friendships immediately following the carnage. So, after the fight, 7 times out of 10 the man will get up, shake father's hand, and be done with it. If, in the off chance this doesn't happen, ladies should already have the car running and a middle finger ready to show their father as soon as the fight is over. Also, no matter the outcome, ALWAYS tell him how much he kicked your dad's ass.

Double standards exist. It's a fact. Take for instance the fact that men are (or should be) allowed to scope out any little birdy they see. Women, on the other hand, are welcome to check out the fellas, just so long as it is in the privacy of your own quarters or whilst hangin out with that group of friends that your man hates. It's a pretty common statistic that 60% of your friends are not going to like the man you have chosen. Why? Jealousy really. Simple and plain. So if it requires you burning a few bridges with aquaintances from yesteryear, Fuck 'Em, you got your man and thats all you need anyway. Conversely, the guy will never be giving up his friends, so it's best you just learn to live with them.

Sticking with the double standard theme for a second, I want to discuss oral pleasure. For a man, getting a blowjob is a god given right. In all seriousness, men would not even bother to put up with a woman's psychosis if it wasn't so difficult to find someone to blow us regularly. Sure there are prostitutes, but why waste perfectly good, hard earned beer money on a hoe, when you got a perfectly suitable (hopefully after reading this novel) girlfriend at home just waiting to polish you off? However, recieving and giving are 2 completely different things. And I know that the old adage reads "tis better to give than recieve", but that is pure horseshit. When it comes to oral, it is always better to recieve than give. That's the reason that the ratio of his pleasure to yours should read somewhere along the lines of 10:1. He gets 10 blowjobs to every one time he goes down. Unless of course ladies, you hit the jackpot and found a guy who actually enjoys crawling around and fumbling between your legs, in which case, you don't really need to be reading this guide so you are more than welcome to just X this screen right now.

While we are on the subject of ego inflation and sexual favors, I feel it is important to point out the fact that female orgasms are, by nature, much more difficult to achieve than male orgasms. We know this. You know this. So, in order to keep that man you are so desperately trying to please happy, always, ALWAYS, fake your arrival if he failed to fulfill his duties. There is nothing worse than the man having to ask if you finished, if he even bothers to care at all.

Bossy women get forgotten and left with the quickness. Sure, there are a select group of fellas out there who are desperately seeking a woman who controls everything. They are (un)affectionately known as "in the closet" homosexuals, and more often than not, will turn out to be a ladies best friend. Men hate that guy. Your gay friends bother us. Most times it's not a matter of homophobia, more a matter of wanting to slap that guy back into his role as a man. We don't understand the desire to be gay. Men, in general, are self absorbed pigs. Why would we want to co-habitate with another man, especially one displaying feminine qualities and general cat ass behavior on a regular basis.

Moving on. Ladies, it is important to dress appropriately at all times. Sweats are unattractive and completely unstimulating. We don't care if you're menstrating. In fact, we enjoy that one week a month. Why? Simple, it means blowjobs every night as compared to actually having to do any sort of strenuous activity and have sex. Think of it as a weekend. If the relationship is a job (which it is), the week of the period is our vacation from it. So, during the courtship, and 10 years into the relationship, you should be treating every day like you are going to the Oscars. Put on that dress. Fix your hair. Do your makeup. All of these things go hand in hand with a man's sexual appetite. On the flip side of that coin, if we choose to wear our sweats to your grandmother's 90th birthday party, just know that we have a good reason for it. I'm sure you're wondering what that reason is, but just keep that question locked away in your brain. No sense in starting a fight on the way to Grandma's b-day party right? RIGHT. Now you're learning.

Keep it tight. No, I'm not talking about your kegel excercises. I'm talking about the stomach, hips, thighs, and tailpiece. Hit those squats. Do those lunges. Crunch those abs. A man's worst fear is the girl getting comfortable in the relationship and letting herself go. Hittin' the gym regularly shows your man that you are dedicated to keepin that body lookin fit, and that is a great quality to display.

I seem to be noticing a trend over the last 3-5 years of these half gay roid heads puttin in 12 hours a day at the gym and rockin that spray tan as a means to attract ladies. Those guys are pussy. Real men wear beards and keep a beer belly. Yes, I know, I just lumped myself into the category of "real men", but hey, "if the shoe fits?" right... Back to the muscle heads. The overly worked out vanity muscles and veins bulging out of his forearms is compensation for lack of personality, a small member, or both. So, for the girls who think that the muscle head roid freak is their type, it's time to stop reading here. If you really want one of those guys, all you gotta do is let him buy your drinks, you'll be roofied by drink #3 and most likely wake up pregnant 2 days later. Congrat-u-fuckin-lations.

Do the laundry. I know this sounds soooo "1950", but it's the truth. Fact: men do not enjoy doing laundry, but we sure as hell like to come home and find the laundry washed and folded and ready for wear. So you're home sick, if you expect me to bring you soup, you better use that sick day wisely by gettin that pile of laundry that has been accumulating on his floor washed and pressed. Trust me, when a girl does the laundry, it's a big turn on.

On the subject of housework, every woman should know how to cook AT LEAST 2 solid meals. I'm not talkin about whippin up some mac'n'cheese. I mean a meal. Lasagna. Tacos. Etc. Something that requires some effort. Don't stop there, learn how to make the side dishes too. Do you remember when you were a kid and mom had dinner ready for dad precisely at 5:30 as he walked in the door from his long day of work at the factory? Neither do I. But I do remember this statistic, somewhere between 40-50% of ALL marriages end in divorce. My hypothesis on this matter is simple, the bitch couldnt cook. HA.

I think that about sums up chapter 2 for now. Back with the next installment as soon as I get the time to write it.

-Ollie the Scholar

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 1

The cold hard truth of the matter about yours truly is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a real son of a bitch. It's a fair assesment, save for the fact that my mother is a saint, which i assume to be the complete opposite of a bitch. But I digress... I spend countless hours of my valuable time writing man laws, womanizing, pointing out the flaws in people, and just generally acting like a raging chauvenist prick. So today, with a little inspiration from a few of my "to remain nameless" female friends, I am going to show the ladies a little bit of love and give them a step by step guide to dating, not only men, but the assholes too.

A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...

First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.

Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".

My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.

Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.

Chapter 1: Get out of your head.

Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".

Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.

Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.

Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"

Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."

Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.

Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."

Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.

Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?

Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.

Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.

Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.

In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.

Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".

Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.

Back with chapter 2 tomorrow. Tell a friend...

-Ollie the Scholar