Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Favorite Kid Ever:

How pumped is he right now?

I've seen these pics, as I'm sure the rest of you have and homegirl is straight up AVERAGE at best. If she wasn't a "celebrity", no one would even be trippin. Seen alot of girls naked in my time, and trust in your boy, she ain't even top 20.

With all that said, my little asian homie is officially NPB icicle status. Keep grindin'...


Awwww Damn...

Wow. Just, Wow.

New Crem De La Crem T's in the Streets

Big ups to my mellow, my man Dustin and the rest of the squad over at Crem De La Crem for throwin down some buttery ass new designs for the fall run of Crem De La Crem T-shirts. You have got to get you some. Click Here to get laced...

Have a sneek peek:






and my personal favorite...


From what I can gather, all t's are available in different colorways. If you want my opinion, get 2 of everything, in BLACK.

This shit is fire for real.

Big ups to Makeshift for puttin me on to Crem De La Crem. These guys got it figured out...

Yo Dustin, I'll take the whole run, Black, sz. XL!! HAHA.

-Ollie the Fashionista

Kelly Karloff is el Fuego

This chick is mostly known for her modeling career on, but I'm here to tell ya, she is straight fire.




That tail leaves a little to be desired, but what she's lackin out back, she more than makes up for up top...


And she's a freak. She will answer any and all questions sexually related on her weekly video series from Karmaloop TV.

Episode 1:

Episode 2:

Episode 3:

-Uncle Ollie

You Can't be Serious


The worst fucking guy since Joe Rogan is now getting paid appearance fees to show up and host parties?

This is some sort of cruel prank. Has to be. John Gosselin sucks so much dick...

-Ollie the Hateful

Friday, August 14, 2009

Do the World a Favor...

... and stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs. iT iS tHe MoSt AnNoYiNg ThInG oN tHe PlAnEt aNd MaKeS YoU lOoK LiKe a DaMn FoOl.

I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?

Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?


You belong on the:


I hate you.

-Ollie the Awful

Big Hardcore Mean Azz Wyte Boi

Meet Young Cohod.


I recently got a friend request from your boi on myspace and I am quite literally blown away by this cat.

From Young Cohod’s "about me" section:


Yep. That's the real deal right there. I do appreciate that he sites my main man Haystack as one of his biggest influences. If you aren't familiar with the greatness that is Haystack, let Ollie learn ya:

Yessir! Haystack turned his wedding video into a music video for his "hit single" "Bonnie & Clyde".

Enough about Haystack, back to Young Cohod. I can't find any embed or html codes to put his music up directly so do yourself a favor and go peep his Myspace Page RIGHT HERE. This kid is the definition of Hillbilly, country as all hell, inbred white-boy rap. It is so bad it almost feels like it's supposed to be comedy. I mean, this shit is just pure trash.

Do your thing Young Cohod, and please, for the love of all things holy, don't ever stop makin' these hits and "puttin these haters in a hole".


-Ollie the Scholar

Average Joe Hits the Jackpot

Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.


Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.

**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**

So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?

** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.

Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?

("Yeah, she's with me.")

Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?

Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:


If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.

Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.

Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??


Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.

P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.


Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Is this who Elton John was talking about in the classic '70's love ballad "Tiny Dancer" that was made famous by everyone's favorite awful movie "Almost Famous"?? Man that movie sucks. It just kills me you know it? I watch it every time it is on the tube and always end up asking myself, Why? Why Olls did you subject yourself to this train wreck. There was a time when I used to think that Kate Hudson was the business back in my younger years, well before I learned about the benefits of the thick white chick and the power moves they were making to take over the internet, er WORLD!!

Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...

Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...

Wow. Just, WOW player.

Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...

A few quick thoughts...

She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.

Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.

I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.

I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.

Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.

-Uncle Ollie

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

It's My Birthday

Yep. Your boy Ollie is celebrating his 26th today. I know, I know, I'm an old ass man. But you know what?? It just makes me wiser than thee...

Because it is my birthday, I'm only gonna work a half day, which means this is all you will be getting from me today. I was going to do a guess that rack post, but I would rather just kick back and wait for that clock to strike noon so I can get up outta heyah.


Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Major Lazer = Pure Savage

If you skipped over that just to get my commentary, go back. You need to watch. There is nothing I can say to explain the magic in this video. Seriously. What the hell was the point?

I'll tell you this, those girls are walkin a very fine line between thick and fat. I definitely wouldn't kick any of 'em outta bed, but I'll be damned if I ever let a chicken jump on my shit like that. Man, that shit was off the hook slice!!!


Monday, August 10, 2009

The World According to Ollie:

Fair warning: This post will not consist of many photos. In fact, there probably won't be any at all. To tell the truth, this is going to be a long, drawn out series of words strung together with no real direction or general theme. Things on my mind, shit i hate, where I've been, why I haven't been posting, all of that will be discussed...


1. Where have you been?

There is no real answer to that question. I've been in one of the following three places:

1. My bed. Tempurpedic mattress top is better than sex. I've been logging some serious hours in my bed. More than I ever have previously in my life. The dungeon that I dwell in is now more affectionately being refered to as simply, "The Cave". But why young Ollie da boss tycoon? Why have you been spending so much time in your beloved bed? Because, fuck it, that's why.

** Side note ** After heavy deliberation and discussion with the few people in the world whose opinion's matter to me, I have decided to be fully open and honest about my current status in the world. TBC and YBO (that's "your boy ollie" for the uninitiated) decided to take some time off. Most of my drive to write came from the overwhelming confidence I drew from being in a monogomous relationship, but once that got cashed in, I've kinda been a little less driven to write, and even less egotistical than normal... That's all I am going to say about that...

2. Work. I am here roughly 10% more than I am in my bed. This is a great job, but in all seriousness, I really just want to fuckin hate it. It's mundane. It's repetitive. It's boring and unfulfilling. But it's awesome. What other job in the world would allow me as much internet time as I get, and pay me a decent wage, keep the A/C at a very unreasonable 70 degrees all day, and kick down with health insurance and not drug test? Answer: Very few. So as much as I want to just up and walk out of this place just to stir some shit up and break up the day a bit, I don't cause I would be a fucking moron to leave this gig. Seriously.

3. Lurking at your favorite girl's pad. Self explanatory and completely fabricated, but to say that I have been spending all of my time in bed or at work would be too depressing, even for the most bitter of haters.


Shit I hate: Fucking Everything.

Yep. I still fucking hate everything. Anything that brings you joy, brings me down. I want to punch your stupid child in the face. I want to step on your kittens. I want to snatch the life right out of your self entitled body..

I still love puppies tho..

Back to the hate...

1. I FUCKING HATE drunk people when I'm not drinking. Man, there is literally NOTHING worse than slobbering idiots hangin and drooling all over me when I haven't had any libations and you motherfuckers want to carry on some sort of intelligent conversation with me. Let's get real, you are stupid to begin with, the booze does not help this. In fact, it makes you even less my equal. I already dislike you, don't force me to punch you in the nose to prove my point. Back the fuck up. What part of the brain sends out the message to your body that requires you to be 7 times louder than normal, and 10 times closer to me to talk? BACK THE FUCK UP. I can't take this shit.

2. I hate starting shit and not finishing it. I currently have at least 3 paintings "in the works", but I haven't touched a single one of them in over a month. They sit in the corner of my room collecting dust mocking me, acting as a constant reminder of my incredible lack of drive. It's pathetic. Get your shit together.

**Side Note** Any interest in original works on canvas from yours truly? trades welcome. Willing to consider most negotiable things of value, including, but not limited to: fishing tackle, 12" vinyl, 8-track players and tapes, Boomboxes (working or not), stuffed animal carcasses, bear rugs and other forms of animal home decor, WWF wrestling videos (VHS or DVD), a motorolla brick (as you guppies might call it, "the zach morris cell phone"), ninja weapons, drugs, cash, phone cards, human souls, even large quantities of grape soda. Holler at your boy on the low,

***EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER. ONE TIME ONLY.*** Anyone willing to burn their Raiders or St. Louis Cardinals jerseys can have their pick of anything I have painted to date...

All of the above offers are of course only valid if I ever actually finish a fucking painting.

3. Obama. Look, I didn't like him before his presidency started. I felt like he was really pulling the wool over the American people's eyes and putting on this facade like he was a man of the people but behind closed doors he was really just the purest form of asshole on the planet. Just a real "my shit don't stink" type of cat. Now, I feel like every day in office he gets one step closer to showing his true colors and revealing just how pompous and self-involved he really is. He's got most of the world fooled, but not me. I know he's a prick and it won't be long now until someone catches him slippin and he really fumbles that ball on a public stage and starts goin ICICLE on some unsuspecting white house intern. In fact, if/when that day comes, I can honestly say that I will have a whole new respect and appreciation for all things Obama, cause at least I will know what he's about. We all know how much I love ice cold behavior. I know, I know. But Ollie, you are such a friend to the brothas, how can you hate on Obama so much? Because I don't look at Obama as a brotha. I see him as the president of our country and he needs to be spending more time handling business, and less time guzzling brews on the white house lawn. Of course I like that my president is a smoothed out, beer drinkin', everyday man's man (ahhhnnnt!). What I don't like is that he spends more time being a regular ol' plumber Joe in his jeans and t-shirts than he does governing the United States of America. The solution to the "race war" going on in Boston over a cop arresting a brotha for attempting to break into his own home (which I admit is wiggity wack), is to invite the arresting officer and the "assaulted" man to sit down for a lecture over beers? Come on Obama, you didn't even need to be involved in that. AT ALL. The only reason you got involved is because of the race card that was being played. Eh, I can go on and on about this shit, but when the day ends, Obama is my president, and I respect the man's hustle, but I want to see a little more business and a little less tomfoolery out there in the streets.

4. Lady Gaga is a man? The boys at Eat Me California (a really cool food blog based in Southern California if I'm not mistaken) hipped me to this shit way back when I made the post about how Lady Gaga had the fat ass, but I just dismissed it as another run of the mill Hollywood rumor. But no. This shit is getting real, fast. Apparently Mister Gaga came out on her/his blog saying that it was born as a hermaphrodite and has a small penis and a full on vagina. Are you kidding me yo? Get that shit hacked off and move on. No wonder she dresses like a short bus rider.

5. John Hughes died. That sucks, but he really hasn't done anything impactful in this decade, shit, in this millenium to be perfectly honest so I ain't in tears about it. Big ups to "The Breakfast Club"... "Judd Nelson, he was fucking HARSH". First person to tell me where that quote is from gets a prize.

6. I hate this idiot John Gosselin. He always has the stupidest looks on his face. I ain't gonna front on homie's pimp game tho. He's goin hard on these hoes right out the gate, but I guess when you've been married to easily the biggest bitch in the world of c-list celebrities, you really gotta get out there and put your best pimp foot forward. But yo, on the rizlas player, please stop rockin all that tuurrrrrribble ass Ed Hardy gear. I mean, that shit just makes you look like the world's biggest booger eater. Seriously. No self respecting man on this planet can wear Ed Hardy anymore. That's the rules.

7. After eleven months and 10 days I have started smoking again. This really makes me mad, but fuck it. Everyone's got their vices right?

There's alot more shit that I am hating right now, but my blood is already boiling and I fear that if I continue, I may end up punching right thru my monitor.

So that's that. I feel like I got a lot off my chest, and am now ready to get back on my grind. Sorry again for leaving all you guys hanging for so long. I got my shit back in blog mode and will be working harder than ever to produce quality, original content for the loyal fan base.

-Ollie the Chronic Underachiever