Monday, December 21, 2009

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 4

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, Yes, I know chapter 3 was soft, but for good reason. I was setting up for the dagger to the heart. After an extended weekend away from writing "the guide", i'm back and more spiteful than ever. I just hope that it translates well from my brain to the keyboard. Fuck an intro, let's get it started.

Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.

Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.

Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...

Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...

We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...

Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.

Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.

Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.

-Ollie the Gifted

1 comment:

vollsticks said...

I don't think you have any female readers.