Or somethin' dumb ass corny like that...
Isn't the internet grand? You get to peep game on all the girls you used to scam on in high school, you get to keep in touch with your 3rd cousin named Brutus, your mom is your friend on facebook keepin tabs on what you're up to, but most importantly, you get to be a complete fuckin idiot behind the privacy of your keyboard...
I swear on all things I find holy, (read: thick white women, Chicago Cubs baseball, '94-'01 hip hop; with some exceptions, Lilith Fair jokes in real time and a good ol' fashioned ass whoopin).. Wait, where was I at?
Oh yeah, fuckin... Nothin better than wakin up in the morning and deciding to go take a look at your favorite blogger's favorite blog (read: this one) and deciding that because I haven't posted in 2 months that I somehow fell off and forgot how to make a grown man look stupid in front of his girl... AHNNNNT. Stop that bullshit right chyeah.. I took some time off, but no god damnit, NO, I did not quit, or give up or stop thinking the things i think and doing the things I do, I just decided that my time is more valuable to me than it is to you... (that shit rhymed completely on accident but it was hot...)
..Oh yeah, real hot fire (Dylan, Dylan, Dylan) for those that missed that joke, you suck at life anyways so just continue being barely average while I continue to be barely average. See what I did there? That was some Diplomat double usage type shit that just pushed your wig back 2 sizes.
Back to the things that matter (read: my opinions):
1. Save for maybe Terrence Thornton, Hip Hop past 2003 sucks. Yes I said it, and I'll stand right the fuck by it and guard it with my life... Yes, I listened to your boy Khalifa, not impressed. Yes, I youtubed the fuck right outta the current champ of mixtape rappers J.Cole, brrrapp. But because I feel contractually obligated I will hold it down for hometown hero Fashawn, cause he does his thing, in a new type-a-way and he's a real young cat too. Oh and RESPECT to my man MAKESHIFT, cause he does a lot more than just make raps, he makes songs and composes albums. And while i'm on it, Piff Herrera does the damn thing too.. So there. I guess I can contradict myself if I feel like it, I mean shit, it's my party right? Try to rain on my parade cupcake see if I give half a shit...
2. Saying FAIL is the biggest, for lack of a better word, FAIL, a person can do in life. On my unborn child, if I hear you say FAIL out loud to me, I will make your girlfriend cry. Understood? If any adverbs such as Epic, Ultra, Super, etc. are used,
I will add in a 5 point palm exploding heart technique punch courtesy of Pai Mei.
3. This shit is kinda old, but damnit if I won't speak on it. Nothin' pissed me off more in the last few months than you jerk offs tryna tell me that because the Earth's rotation moved off it's normal pivot (paraphrased, click the link if you somehow missed that bullshit) that I somehow am no longer a Leo... The fuck? Are a person's idiosyncrasies all of a sudden changed because 16,000 years of the lunar cycle have passed? I'm no longer a stubborn fuckin' prick with an ego the size of Texas because the Earth's tilt slipped .25mm? That was just stupid. People are who they are, not because of the planets alignment, but because of how they were raised... now maybe it was the mixture of Leo/Scorpio that made me the miserable piece of shit that I am today, or maybe it was heartbreaks early in life that made me such a cynic, maybe it was my selection of friends in elementary school that made me feel so superior to everyone, maybe... But what I do know as an absolute certainty is this: It wasn't Earth's alignment with the North Star that made me love early 90's bay area rap music, the Wu-Tang Clan, and the feel of a woman's breast (pause), it was the people around me. Now I guess for you hyperactive astrological believer's (side bar: I sure hope i'm not attracting these type of people here) I suppose you could make the argument that it was in fact the Earth's alignment with the stars at the particular time I was born that made me choose the friends I choose, etc. etc. that ultimately led me to this point right here... to that I say... Go fuck yourself. That's just dumb. And more to the point, wouldn't that ultimately lead back to my point that my sign is my sign is my sign is my sign?? Wow, my brain is scrambled eggs right now. I wrote that and am lost, if you somehow navigated thru that than Kudos to you.
4. I am more than likely better than you at more things than I care to list. But the thing that matters most is that I am most likely better than you at life. Jesus that was so unnecessary to say and maybe one of the dumbest things I've ever written. But, this is my blog and I'll critique if I want to.
5. The Ancient Aliens theory is the most interesting stuff available to the world right now, and anyone dumb enough to discredit this theory due strictly to their religious beliefs is dumber than a progressive commercial.
6. Dudes with tongue rings are homosexual, no if's, and's, or but's.
I think that's enough for now.
Oh yeah, R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor, you were really somethin' in your day.
Ollie da Don.