Anonymous Haters: SHOTS FIRED!!

Or somethin' dumb ass corny like that...

Isn't the internet grand? You get to peep game on all the girls you used to scam on in high school, you get to keep in touch with your 3rd cousin named Brutus, your mom is your friend on facebook keepin tabs on what you're up to, but most importantly, you get to be a complete fuckin idiot behind the privacy of your keyboard...

I swear on all things I find holy, (read: thick white women, Chicago Cubs baseball, '94-'01 hip hop; with some exceptions, Lilith Fair jokes in real time and a good ol' fashioned ass whoopin).. Wait, where was I at?

Oh yeah, fuckin... Nothin better than wakin up in the morning and deciding to go take a look at your favorite blogger's favorite blog (read: this one) and deciding that because I haven't posted in 2 months that I somehow fell off and forgot how to make a grown man look stupid in front of his girl... AHNNNNT. Stop that bullshit right chyeah.. I took some time off, but no god damnit, NO, I did not quit, or give up or stop thinking the things i think and doing the things I do, I just decided that my time is more valuable to me than it is to you... (that shit rhymed completely on accident but it was hot...)

..Oh yeah, real hot fire (Dylan, Dylan, Dylan) for those that missed that joke, you suck at life anyways so just continue being barely average while I continue to be barely average. See what I did there? That was some Diplomat double usage type shit that just pushed your wig back 2 sizes.

Back to the things that matter (read: my opinions):

1. Save for maybe Terrence Thornton, Hip Hop past 2003 sucks. Yes I said it, and I'll stand right the fuck by it and guard it with my life... Yes, I listened to your boy Khalifa, not impressed. Yes, I youtubed the fuck right outta the current champ of mixtape rappers J.Cole, brrrapp. But because I feel contractually obligated I will hold it down for hometown hero Fashawn, cause he does his thing, in a new type-a-way and he's a real young cat too. Oh and RESPECT to my man MAKESHIFT, cause he does a lot more than just make raps, he makes songs and composes albums. And while i'm on it, Piff Herrera does the damn thing too.. So there. I guess I can contradict myself if I feel like it, I mean shit, it's my party right? Try to rain on my parade cupcake see if I give half a shit...

2. Saying FAIL is the biggest, for lack of a better word, FAIL, a person can do in life. On my unborn child, if I hear you say FAIL out loud to me, I will make your girlfriend cry. Understood? If any adverbs such as Epic, Ultra, Super, etc. are used,
I will add in a 5 point palm exploding heart technique punch courtesy of Pai Mei.

3. This shit is kinda old, but damnit if I won't speak on it. Nothin' pissed me off more in the last few months than you jerk offs tryna tell me that because the Earth's rotation moved off it's normal pivot (paraphrased, click the link if you somehow missed that bullshit) that I somehow am no longer a Leo... The fuck? Are a person's idiosyncrasies all of a sudden changed because 16,000 years of the lunar cycle have passed? I'm no longer a stubborn fuckin' prick with an ego the size of Texas because the Earth's tilt slipped .25mm? That was just stupid. People are who they are, not because of the planets alignment, but because of how they were raised... now maybe it was the mixture of Leo/Scorpio that made me the miserable piece of shit that I am today, or maybe it was heartbreaks early in life that made me such a cynic, maybe it was my selection of friends in elementary school that made me feel so superior to everyone, maybe... But what I do know as an absolute certainty is this: It wasn't Earth's alignment with the North Star that made me love early 90's bay area rap music, the Wu-Tang Clan, and the feel of a woman's breast (pause), it was the people around me. Now I guess for you hyperactive astrological believer's (side bar: I sure hope i'm not attracting these type of people here) I suppose you could make the argument that it was in fact the Earth's alignment with the stars at the particular time I was born that made me choose the friends I choose, etc. etc. that ultimately led me to this point right here... to that I say... Go fuck yourself. That's just dumb. And more to the point, wouldn't that ultimately lead back to my point that my sign is my sign is my sign is my sign?? Wow, my brain is scrambled eggs right now. I wrote that and am lost, if you somehow navigated thru that than Kudos to you.

4. I am more than likely better than you at more things than I care to list. But the thing that matters most is that I am most likely better than you at life. Jesus that was so unnecessary to say and maybe one of the dumbest things I've ever written. But, this is my blog and I'll critique if I want to.

5. The Ancient Aliens theory is the most interesting stuff available to the world right now, and anyone dumb enough to discredit this theory due strictly to their religious beliefs is dumber than a progressive commercial.

6. Dudes with tongue rings are homosexual, no if's, and's, or but's.

I think that's enough for now.

Oh yeah, R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor, you were really somethin' in your day.

Love,

Ollie da Don.

Big Shit Poppin', Little Shit Stoppin':

Why in the Fuck is T.I. still getting movie roles? More importantly, How is this dude sharing the same on-screen time as Stringer Bell? With a muhfuckin' british accent? Stringer Bell for president, for real. I swear, I damn near, wait, scratch that, I did tear up when they waxed Stringer on The Wire. I mean, dude was cold, calculated, pure business and grime, with no emotions whatsoever... but ultimately, The boss has got to remain the boss, and Stringer had to go. He will go down as my third favorite character from the Wire, behind Michael. and Marlo Stanfield. Which brings me to my point, didn't mean to run off a recap of why The Wire was so dope (read: IT WAS THE GREATEST CRIME SAGA EVER) but how is it that this skinny lil dude right here:


gets more street credit in a suit than this muhfucka right here:



Wait, you might be wondering where this is all coming from. I promise I have a point. This new movie is coming out. It's called Takers, and here's the trailer:



I'm gonna see it. Call me easily entertained, but give me Paul Walker, Stringer Bell (Idris Elba, but will always be Stringer in my mind) in a british accent, and mr. "whoop that trick" himself C.Breezy and Imma watch it. Sprinkle in some Hayden Christensen (I know, he's awful, but Im nostalgic and I loved Star Wars despite how terrible it was) and a plot about a bank heist with the female lead being Zoe Saldana, you've got a hot ticket...

That is until you cast T.I. as the villain. I mean, really dog? who is Jamie Hector's (Marlo Stanfield) agent? This dude needs more work. I want him on the screen all the time. I have a role saved for him when and if I do ever finish writing my masterpiece (read: he plays Oliver Wrist, as Marlo Stanfield, never breaking character ever, haha)... I mean really tho, was there ever any harder bosses' talk than this:



"My name was in the STREETS?!?!"

ICE-FUCKING-COLD.

Man I miss The Wire, somebody needs to get it together and write this show another 5 seasons. I need to stop here, otherwise I'll go all damn day.

-Ollie da Don

------------------UPDATE---------------------------------------------

Yeah I know Stringer is british, he just does the "not british" role so well that when he goes back to the accent, its like he's discovered a whole new role and an untapped market as the master of british brothas or some wild shit. I'ont'know mayne. Just, you be cool like how you be cool, aight? I aint seent you and you aint seen me? aight.. WATER.

Just a Quick Heads Up:

This blog is still the greatest blog on the planet.

Oliver Wrist is still your favorite asshole.

My game is still tighter than yours.

My life is still better than yours.

Your mother still loves me more than you, and so does your girl.

I still have overly opinionated witty banter to spew at you insignificant fucks, I just haven't had the time or patience, OR desire for that matter, to do so.

I will be back with a vengeance starting next Monday, April 19, 2010. Mark that shit on your calendars.

Oh yeah, if you did me wrong in any way in the last, i dunno, sayyyyyyy 6-8 months, watch the fuck out, cause you will be getting blasted by name until such time as I feel that you have repayed your debt to society (or in this case, ME).

Oliver loves you, except for you, you, you, and you. YOU know who you are, you simple minded fucks.

All the love,

-Olls the menace

Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 4

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, Yes, I know chapter 3 was soft, but for good reason. I was setting up for the dagger to the heart. After an extended weekend away from writing "the guide", i'm back and more spiteful than ever. I just hope that it translates well from my brain to the keyboard. Fuck an intro, let's get it started.

Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.

Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.

Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...

Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...

We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...

Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.

Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.

Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.

-Ollie the Gifted

Yankees Win!!!

Big fuckin deal. Let the bandwagon riding "I've always been a fan" bitchassness begin. Seriously, how are the Yankees not gonna win? Wasn't like 75% of their roster on the AL all-star team this year? The fuck outta here dude. It was set in stone. I don't like to buy into baseball conspiracy (it's too great of a game), but the Yankees win the World Series, at home in the NEW 80 bazillion dollar replica of former Yankee stadium, first year it's operational? Seems fishy. Farildo. Yankees had this shit wrapped up in Philly more than once, but dump the game(s) to take it home, stretch the series for them commercial dollars, and lock it in AT HOME.

Think about it. How much loot is lost when a series is a 4 game sweep? That air time during the world series doesn't come cheap, and Fox knows this. Especially when you got 2 East Coast teams dueling for the championship. So when the series goes 6, Fox is cleaning up.

For the record, I watched a total of 35 minutes of playoff/world series baseball this year. As soon as the Cubbies mailed it in right around August, baseball lost it's flavor with the quickness. I mean, seriously, all this means to me is that I have to burn yet another cubbies hat and add another year to the neverending story that is "the lovable losers from Chi-town".

Just cause it makes me laugh, I'm gonna run this joint again...



I will not front on A-Rod's ability to change a game with the glove OR the bat at any given time, but my man really needs to tighten up that belt and quit exhibiting so many feminine qualities.

Highlights in your wig piece? Check.

Eyes closed in extasy while a grown ass Asian DUDE is caressing your bare chest? CHIZECK!

Why does this photo exist? I mean really, in what situation did A-Rod's manager/agent/wife/someone who cares allow this to happen? Why is this acceptable behavior? And more importantly, why is this the only photo from the photoshoot? What happened to the rest of the series? What lines were crossed?

Nevermind. Don't answer that.

-O-Rod

Is This What You Call Tact??

2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.

If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...

It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?

I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?

First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.

Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.

I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...

#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.

I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.

I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.

I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.

This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...

Some things that are great...

-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.

-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.

-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.

I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.

If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.

Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."

And, were clear.........................

Or are we?

-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith

Awwww Damn...

Wow. Just, Wow.

You Can't be Serious

The worst fucking guy since Joe Rogan is now getting paid appearance fees to show up and host parties?

This is some sort of cruel prank. Has to be. John Gosselin sucks so much dick...

-Ollie the Hateful

Do the World a Favor...

... and stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs. iT iS tHe MoSt AnNoYiNg ThInG oN tHe PlAnEt aNd MaKeS YoU lOoK LiKe a DaMn FoOl.

I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?

Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?

Fuck.

You belong on the:



I hate you.

-Ollie the Awful

The World According to Ollie:

Fair warning: This post will not consist of many photos. In fact, there probably won't be any at all. To tell the truth, this is going to be a long, drawn out series of words strung together with no real direction or general theme. Things on my mind, shit i hate, where I've been, why I haven't been posting, all of that will be discussed...

Now.

1. Where have you been?

There is no real answer to that question. I've been in one of the following three places:

1. My bed. Tempurpedic mattress top is better than sex. I've been logging some serious hours in my bed. More than I ever have previously in my life. The dungeon that I dwell in is now more affectionately being refered to as simply, "The Cave". But why young Ollie da boss tycoon? Why have you been spending so much time in your beloved bed? Because, fuck it, that's why.

** Side note ** After heavy deliberation and discussion with the few people in the world whose opinion's matter to me, I have decided to be fully open and honest about my current status in the world. TBC and YBO (that's "your boy ollie" for the uninitiated) decided to take some time off. Most of my drive to write came from the overwhelming confidence I drew from being in a monogomous relationship, but once that got cashed in, I've kinda been a little less driven to write, and even less egotistical than normal... That's all I am going to say about that...

2. Work. I am here roughly 10% more than I am in my bed. This is a great job, but in all seriousness, I really just want to fuckin hate it. It's mundane. It's repetitive. It's boring and unfulfilling. But it's awesome. What other job in the world would allow me as much internet time as I get, and pay me a decent wage, keep the A/C at a very unreasonable 70 degrees all day, and kick down with health insurance and not drug test? Answer: Very few. So as much as I want to just up and walk out of this place just to stir some shit up and break up the day a bit, I don't cause I would be a fucking moron to leave this gig. Seriously.

3. Lurking at your favorite girl's pad. Self explanatory and completely fabricated, but to say that I have been spending all of my time in bed or at work would be too depressing, even for the most bitter of haters.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shit I hate: Fucking Everything.

Yep. I still fucking hate everything. Anything that brings you joy, brings me down. I want to punch your stupid child in the face. I want to step on your kittens. I want to snatch the life right out of your self entitled body..

I still love puppies tho..

Back to the hate...

1. I FUCKING HATE drunk people when I'm not drinking. Man, there is literally NOTHING worse than slobbering idiots hangin and drooling all over me when I haven't had any libations and you motherfuckers want to carry on some sort of intelligent conversation with me. Let's get real, you are stupid to begin with, the booze does not help this. In fact, it makes you even less my equal. I already dislike you, don't force me to punch you in the nose to prove my point. Back the fuck up. What part of the brain sends out the message to your body that requires you to be 7 times louder than normal, and 10 times closer to me to talk? BACK THE FUCK UP. I can't take this shit.

2. I hate starting shit and not finishing it. I currently have at least 3 paintings "in the works", but I haven't touched a single one of them in over a month. They sit in the corner of my room collecting dust mocking me, acting as a constant reminder of my incredible lack of drive. It's pathetic. Get your shit together.

**Side Note** Any interest in original works on canvas from yours truly? trades welcome. Willing to consider most negotiable things of value, including, but not limited to: fishing tackle, 12" vinyl, 8-track players and tapes, Boomboxes (working or not), stuffed animal carcasses, bear rugs and other forms of animal home decor, WWF wrestling videos (VHS or DVD), a motorolla brick (as you guppies might call it, "the zach morris cell phone"), ninja weapons, drugs, cash, phone cards, human souls, even large quantities of grape soda. Holler at your boy on the low, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

***EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER. ONE TIME ONLY.*** Anyone willing to burn their Raiders or St. Louis Cardinals jerseys can have their pick of anything I have painted to date...

All of the above offers are of course only valid if I ever actually finish a fucking painting.

3. Obama. Look, I didn't like him before his presidency started. I felt like he was really pulling the wool over the American people's eyes and putting on this facade like he was a man of the people but behind closed doors he was really just the purest form of asshole on the planet. Just a real "my shit don't stink" type of cat. Now, I feel like every day in office he gets one step closer to showing his true colors and revealing just how pompous and self-involved he really is. He's got most of the world fooled, but not me. I know he's a prick and it won't be long now until someone catches him slippin and he really fumbles that ball on a public stage and starts goin ICICLE on some unsuspecting white house intern. In fact, if/when that day comes, I can honestly say that I will have a whole new respect and appreciation for all things Obama, cause at least I will know what he's about. We all know how much I love ice cold behavior. I know, I know. But Ollie, you are such a friend to the brothas, how can you hate on Obama so much? Because I don't look at Obama as a brotha. I see him as the president of our country and he needs to be spending more time handling business, and less time guzzling brews on the white house lawn. Of course I like that my president is a smoothed out, beer drinkin', everyday man's man (ahhhnnnt!). What I don't like is that he spends more time being a regular ol' plumber Joe in his jeans and t-shirts than he does governing the United States of America. The solution to the "race war" going on in Boston over a cop arresting a brotha for attempting to break into his own home (which I admit is wiggity wack), is to invite the arresting officer and the "assaulted" man to sit down for a lecture over beers? Come on Obama, you didn't even need to be involved in that. AT ALL. The only reason you got involved is because of the race card that was being played. Eh, I can go on and on about this shit, but when the day ends, Obama is my president, and I respect the man's hustle, but I want to see a little more business and a little less tomfoolery out there in the streets.

4. Lady Gaga is a man? The boys at Eat Me California (a really cool food blog based in Southern California if I'm not mistaken) hipped me to this shit way back when I made the post about how Lady Gaga had the fat ass, but I just dismissed it as another run of the mill Hollywood rumor. But no. This shit is getting real, fast. Apparently Mister Gaga came out on her/his blog saying that it was born as a hermaphrodite and has a small penis and a full on vagina. Are you kidding me yo? Get that shit hacked off and move on. No wonder she dresses like a short bus rider.

5. John Hughes died. That sucks, but he really hasn't done anything impactful in this decade, shit, in this millenium to be perfectly honest so I ain't in tears about it. Big ups to "The Breakfast Club"... "Judd Nelson, he was fucking HARSH". First person to tell me where that quote is from gets a prize.

6. I hate this idiot John Gosselin. He always has the stupidest looks on his face. I ain't gonna front on homie's pimp game tho. He's goin hard on these hoes right out the gate, but I guess when you've been married to easily the biggest bitch in the world of c-list celebrities, you really gotta get out there and put your best pimp foot forward. But yo, on the rizlas player, please stop rockin all that tuurrrrrribble ass Ed Hardy gear. I mean, that shit just makes you look like the world's biggest booger eater. Seriously. No self respecting man on this planet can wear Ed Hardy anymore. That's the rules.

7. After eleven months and 10 days I have started smoking again. This really makes me mad, but fuck it. Everyone's got their vices right?

There's alot more shit that I am hating right now, but my blood is already boiling and I fear that if I continue, I may end up punching right thru my monitor.

So that's that. I feel like I got a lot off my chest, and am now ready to get back on my grind. Sorry again for leaving all you guys hanging for so long. I got my shit back in blog mode and will be working harder than ever to produce quality, original content for the loyal fan base.

-Ollie the Chronic Underachiever

Things That Kill Me pt. 3

Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.

Part 1 Click Here

Part 1 Click Here

Now, on with the show.

Things that kill me pt. 3:

1. Eek-A-Mouse



I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.

2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs





Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.

3. Feminists



I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:



and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.

4. Female Child Actors



God I hate you.

5. Audience participation.

Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.

6. Men with pony tails.





Why?

7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.

Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.

8. My Friends.

Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.

I love you guys.

9. Deflating an air mattress.

You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.

10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.



But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.

11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.

I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.

12. Condoms.



Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.

13. Patent leather shoes.



Yep. You look like a DICK.

14. Denim Shorts.



Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.

15. Biting my tongue.

Self explanatory

16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.

FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.

Last (for now) but certainly not least...

17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.

I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.

That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.

White People Ruin Everything

Remember this dumb ass bird from way back when??



Ok, everybody together now, tell us how you really feel...



Yep. That's it. We got her.

-Ollie

Fred Works Out

Damn son. TBC was bullshittin on youtube on Saturday morning and found this video.

Holy smokes. The view count on this video is over 1.2 million in 3 days.

I don't know what the fuck the world sees in this kid but damn if he isn't winning in the views department.

Some of his other videos have over 6 million views.

Really humbles me. I mean, here I am writing this amazing blog, giving the world every bit of news they could EVER possibly need and my total views doesnt touch single hour's worth of hits for this little maggot Fred.

Bitter hatred. Fred must die.

-Sourpuss Ollie

Awkward Moments: Chris Webber vs. Kenny Smith

I've been noticing this since the beginning of the playoffs but never really decided to mention it until now.

I have come to the conclusion that:

A. Chris Webber does not like Kenny Smith.

B. Chris Webber would put the O.G. official ass whoopin on ol' Ken-dog.

Peep some video evidence of CWebb's thoroughness right here...



Every time Cwebb hits him with the "c'mon man" you can see it in Kenny's eyes. Kenny doesn't know what my man Webber's gonna do. Is he fittin' to ack-a-fool, or is he gonna keep his composure for the sake of television? Cwebb is the wild card. HAHA.

The boys at Us Versus Them get credit for the photo, but here is the patended Chris Webber, "C'mon man" look...

.

I think Kenny Smith knows that Cwebb is a street cat on some Steve Harvey "don't let the suit fool you, i'm from the projects" type shit. I mean, Cwebb spent MAD years in the bay area gettin hyphy with the likes of Yukmouth and the Luniz.





And while this may very well be the most cat-ass smile I have ever seen, you can still see a glimmer of that crazy eye that Cwebb stays showin cats.

While I'm on the subject Chris Webber and Kenny Smith, what the fuck is up with that new telestrator bullshit toy TNT's got him (Kenny Smith) playin' with. That shit is wack. Biggest waste of time in the history of televised sports analysis.

I just spent 20 minutes lookin' for video of that stupid machine he's using and came up completely dry. If anyone finds it, give me a shout. nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

Bottom line: Chris Webber is from the "Charles Barkley, hold no punches, kick 'em when they're down" school of philosophy and I can get behind that (no homo).

-Ollie the Analyst

Twitter As A Status Symbol

This will be a quick post.

I think it's funny that people are seriously concerned with their following/follower ratios.

I follow at least 1,000 more people than follow me.

It matters so little to me that I honestly can't believe I am making this post.

Incidentally, if you would like to follow me and read my rants in real time, you can by Clicking Here.

-Ollie

Self Realization:

For all you skinny jean rockin cats, with your EXTRA LARGE shoes, this is what you look like:



HAHA.

Just a piece of friendly advice from one of the least friendly sources around.

-Ollie

Cat's Need To Quit Frontin'...

Today's banger: Japcity - Identity Theft



"Gangsters don't have record contracts"...

nuff said.

For the record, the message far exceeds the quality of the music.

-Ollie

I Don't Work Weekends, But This Couldn't Wait:

Caught this shit on Bossip.com this morning...

The skinny jeans revolution is taking over today's urban youth. They have even created a new dance to go along with their awful fashion decisions. This ridiculous cross between the running man, jewish dippin, and an upright version of the worm is pure comedy... Peep the instructional video below...



Now that you've got the basics, watch these kids get wild at the local Burger King on (what I assume is) Fairfax in L.A.



Wow.

-Ollie

Angelina Jolie's Hotness Is All In Your Head:

Yeah I said it, now what you gon' do?

As I promised yesterday, I have every intention of debunking Angelina Jolie's hot factor. I am not one of those people who just accept things. The whole world has been brainwashed into believing that Ms. Jolie is the hottest chick on the planet. I just don't see it. I never really have.

I know what you're thinking, "Ollie, you're crazy dude, she's blazin hot", and I would expect nothing less from the male readers of this blog because you have been programmed to "believe the hype".

Let's get right down to the reasoning behind this blasphemous statement that Angelina Jolie is not hot.

Exhibit A: It's all surgically enhanced.



You see that shit? Back before the world ever knew who she was, she was like a 5 at best. But thanks to the help of plastic surgery (in more than one area) she has become this global sensation.

I've been on record on more than one occasion denouncing the use of plastic surgery to create a girl's hotness. It's cheating. I can't look at her the same after seeing that before and after photo. I really hope I've ruined her for you as well...

Exhibit B: Pale skin.



I don't know about ya'll, but vampires don't do it for me. This bitches skin tone is "kleenex". I can't get the image of her playing the role of "Gia" and being a fucking heroin junkie out of my mind. She just played the part a little too well if you ask me. I'm pretty sure she has been on methodone or some derivitive of heroin since that movie came out back in like '96, which would explain...

Exhibit C: She's too skinny.



YUCK!! I mean would you look at those chicken legs? You really trying to tell me that those stems are sexy? Really? You're out of your god damned mind. I couldn't find a good recent picture of her lanky ass arms but I assume they look something like those straight out of a comic book skeletor arms Madonna's old ass has been sportin as of late...



Plus her face is hella boney. About 8 years ago, I'll admit that Angelina's face was on point. But ever since she started practicing Kabalah or whatever the fuck religion is cool these days she is just lookin' haggard.



Exhibit D: Her tattoos suck.




I know everyone thinks her tattoos are dope because she had the witchdoctor from some South African tribe ink her up with a hammer and a wooden spear, but that shit don't impress me. In fact, all it does is make your tattoos look like shit and makes you look like even more of a dick. "Oh I had this done in the alps after a 3 day peyote binge"... FUCK OFF you dumb cunt. You still suck.

Exhibit E: Her movies suck.



Enough said.

Honorable mention: Wanted, Gone in 60 Seconds, Beowulf, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, etc. I could go on and on.

Exhibit F: Billy Bob Thornton.



Billy Bob Thornton put his dick inside of her. She wore a vile of his blood around her neck and had his name tattooed on her arm. If that doesn't tell you how far off the reservation this bird is, I don't know what will. Perhaps...

Exhibit G: She has 19 adopted children.



Ok maybe not, but she's damn near got a baseball team. She adopts them from all over the world too. I mean, she couldn't just focus on one region so as to keep a common element amongst the children?? Nope, I want one from Taiwan, one from Guatemala, one from Africa, one from Germany, and then I'm gonna cook up a couple of twins of my own just to show you little foreigners how little you mean to me. These kids are just accessories. I'm not even being cold hearted, it's flat out true.

Which brings me to my final piece of evidence,

Exhibit H: Her holier than thou attitude.



The above picture has nothing to do with this particular point, but it makes her look reeeeeaaaalllly bad, so I included it. This bitch thinks she's the business cause she adopted a few kids and parades them around for her own selfish needs. These children obviously have better lives now, but lets face it, she has to be the biggest pain in the ass ever. She's got more money than God, but dresses the kids in rags to show them that money isn't important while she stunts around town with her 30 million dollar blood diamond on her finger. Which incidentally is the only reason the African kid got adopted. She felt bad about her Sierra Leone diamond so she adopted the kid who mined it and figured it was even. Fucking cunt.

In all seriousness, Angelina Jolie is a fraud. From her looks right down to her faux humanitarianism. She's ugly on the inside and it bleeds right through her see through skin (cause it's so pale, get it?).

In her defense, her J's are on point and the lip game is fierce. See, I'm a fair dude, I give credit when it is due. But overall though, I am convinced that Angelina Jolie is a self serving bitch that has mind control powers. I mean, she made Brad Pitt wife it. That's fuckin Brad Pitt, the guy could literally have any woman on earth. It blows me away.

I'm done hatin for now.

-Ollie the Cold Hearted