Anonymous Haters: SHOTS FIRED!!

Or somethin' dumb ass corny like that...

Isn't the internet grand? You get to peep game on all the girls you used to scam on in high school, you get to keep in touch with your 3rd cousin named Brutus, your mom is your friend on facebook keepin tabs on what you're up to, but most importantly, you get to be a complete fuckin idiot behind the privacy of your keyboard...

I swear on all things I find holy, (read: thick white women, Chicago Cubs baseball, '94-'01 hip hop; with some exceptions, Lilith Fair jokes in real time and a good ol' fashioned ass whoopin).. Wait, where was I at?

Oh yeah, fuckin... Nothin better than wakin up in the morning and deciding to go take a look at your favorite blogger's favorite blog (read: this one) and deciding that because I haven't posted in 2 months that I somehow fell off and forgot how to make a grown man look stupid in front of his girl... AHNNNNT. Stop that bullshit right chyeah.. I took some time off, but no god damnit, NO, I did not quit, or give up or stop thinking the things i think and doing the things I do, I just decided that my time is more valuable to me than it is to you... (that shit rhymed completely on accident but it was hot...)

..Oh yeah, real hot fire (Dylan, Dylan, Dylan) for those that missed that joke, you suck at life anyways so just continue being barely average while I continue to be barely average. See what I did there? That was some Diplomat double usage type shit that just pushed your wig back 2 sizes.

Back to the things that matter (read: my opinions):

1. Save for maybe Terrence Thornton, Hip Hop past 2003 sucks. Yes I said it, and I'll stand right the fuck by it and guard it with my life... Yes, I listened to your boy Khalifa, not impressed. Yes, I youtubed the fuck right outta the current champ of mixtape rappers J.Cole, brrrapp. But because I feel contractually obligated I will hold it down for hometown hero Fashawn, cause he does his thing, in a new type-a-way and he's a real young cat too. Oh and RESPECT to my man MAKESHIFT, cause he does a lot more than just make raps, he makes songs and composes albums. And while i'm on it, Piff Herrera does the damn thing too.. So there. I guess I can contradict myself if I feel like it, I mean shit, it's my party right? Try to rain on my parade cupcake see if I give half a shit...

2. Saying FAIL is the biggest, for lack of a better word, FAIL, a person can do in life. On my unborn child, if I hear you say FAIL out loud to me, I will make your girlfriend cry. Understood? If any adverbs such as Epic, Ultra, Super, etc. are used,
I will add in a 5 point palm exploding heart technique punch courtesy of Pai Mei.

3. This shit is kinda old, but damnit if I won't speak on it. Nothin' pissed me off more in the last few months than you jerk offs tryna tell me that because the Earth's rotation moved off it's normal pivot (paraphrased, click the link if you somehow missed that bullshit) that I somehow am no longer a Leo... The fuck? Are a person's idiosyncrasies all of a sudden changed because 16,000 years of the lunar cycle have passed? I'm no longer a stubborn fuckin' prick with an ego the size of Texas because the Earth's tilt slipped .25mm? That was just stupid. People are who they are, not because of the planets alignment, but because of how they were raised... now maybe it was the mixture of Leo/Scorpio that made me the miserable piece of shit that I am today, or maybe it was heartbreaks early in life that made me such a cynic, maybe it was my selection of friends in elementary school that made me feel so superior to everyone, maybe... But what I do know as an absolute certainty is this: It wasn't Earth's alignment with the North Star that made me love early 90's bay area rap music, the Wu-Tang Clan, and the feel of a woman's breast (pause), it was the people around me. Now I guess for you hyperactive astrological believer's (side bar: I sure hope i'm not attracting these type of people here) I suppose you could make the argument that it was in fact the Earth's alignment with the stars at the particular time I was born that made me choose the friends I choose, etc. etc. that ultimately led me to this point right here... to that I say... Go fuck yourself. That's just dumb. And more to the point, wouldn't that ultimately lead back to my point that my sign is my sign is my sign is my sign?? Wow, my brain is scrambled eggs right now. I wrote that and am lost, if you somehow navigated thru that than Kudos to you.

4. I am more than likely better than you at more things than I care to list. But the thing that matters most is that I am most likely better than you at life. Jesus that was so unnecessary to say and maybe one of the dumbest things I've ever written. But, this is my blog and I'll critique if I want to.

5. The Ancient Aliens theory is the most interesting stuff available to the world right now, and anyone dumb enough to discredit this theory due strictly to their religious beliefs is dumber than a progressive commercial.

6. Dudes with tongue rings are homosexual, no if's, and's, or but's.

I think that's enough for now.

Oh yeah, R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor, you were really somethin' in your day.

Love,

Ollie da Don.

New Year's Eve Report

So I had originally planned on heading my way on up to San Francisco for the night's festivities, but plans fell thru do to some unforeseen circumstances. Instead, just chose to get extremely drunk in a medium sized gathering of friends and family.

Anybody who was been reading this blog for the last year, or who saw last year's new years post, knows that I typically just take a shit load of pictures, post em, and crack jokes on folks. Unfortunately, that will not be the case this year as I do believe I was the only joke at the party. What can I say, I was playing beer pong, drinking moonshine, and gave my camera to my 14 year old cousin to snap photos which mostly ended up just being photos of his mother. haha.

Rang in the new year right, but didn't get any of that sweet lovin I was prowlin' for, but that's better anyways. I'm off to NYC to find my girl Lindsey (Lohan) in 2 weeks anyways, plenty of time for photos and jokes then.

There are a few funny photos from the night, but I didn't bring the camera with me today, so uploads won't be until tomorrow.

Highlights:

- "Youre a Monster". Some little kid told me that when i knocked his little brother down. ACCIDENTLY.

- Challenging 15 year olds to do impossible tricks on their skateboards for small sums of money.

- Kissed Nasty Nate on the lips (might be a lowlight actually). Love my cousin. Only male I've ever kissed in my life... what can I say.. The boy is damn near as charming as I am.

- Decided to make the 6+ mile walk home to my house in the fog at around 4 a.m. after a shitload of moonshine. Made it about 3/4 of a block before falling in a bush. Luckily the fam came cruisin on the prowl for me and saved me from my bush.

- Steve Kerr'd those muhfuckas in beer pong. El Draino son..

- My wild ass cousin hittin on me, then getting her mouth taped shut, and taped to a chair. (Whoever taped her to the chair, you fuckin rule). **EDIT** Credit to my 16 year old nephew for that idea. You definitely rule.

And I'd say that about covers it.

Back to Lindsey Lohan if I may, I caught this picture on one of the celebrity gossip blogs, and despite the wild ass bruise (looks suspiciously like a thumbprint from a firm ass slap), who knew Lindsey was draggin a wagon? I thought she was all tits...



Say what you want, but the girl continues to defy standards. She can't be more than 95 pounds with ankle weights on, but 26% of that total weight is pure tits and ass. Lindsey, I love you, if you're in NYC, holler at a young boss.

-Olls

I Still Love Lindsey

Yo, I've had my eye on ms. Lohan for like 5 years now. I know she has seen her share of ups and downs (more downs than ups tho), but when she needs to, she can still bring that sexy.







is it wrong that my favorite part of this picture is the cigarette?



She is still defying all laws of nature. Skinny white girl with red hair but humongous tits? That's like finding a pink striped zebra indigenous to the metropolitan Detroit area...

P.S. Am I the only one still prayin for that sex tape?

-Ollie

Hollywood part 1

True dat.



Fuck the Joker, look at the cut on homeboy's head!



"You got any tips for me?" Get a real job.



Hand stitched.



Polar Bear Club. Face melters.





So I went to a punk rock show... Fuck you.



jailbait.



my dude right here.



What up tho... Told you I'd put you up.



The new age Zach De la Rocha.



This place was trill.



Moshpits. Really? Were still doin that?



This kid was hyped the fuck up. I remember him being the only one dancin around. reminded me of that scene in "Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist" where the little asian kid is all hype on the dance floor dolo breakdancin for that band "R U Randy" or whatever. Don't judge me. I'm a sucker for teen angst..



yeaaaaahhhh...



New fam.



Over it.



I'm about 90% sure these girls never went into the show. Just col' lampin...



This picture speaks volumes.



cool goat Anthrax guy.



If you got a beard, you're cool with me.



Thicky thickerson stage right. That was an accidental photo, but then i noticed that ol' girl was workin with some thighs but i couldn't flip it in time to peep the tail... Next time, I won't miss.



Life.





Iceberg... I think that's what he told me his name was. Peep stage left tho, homegirl's arm is livin large.



Just creeped on these cats mashin the streets with what i presume to be stolen carved pumpkins. They thought I was paparazzi, Told 'em to kick back, I was on the same team.



They put me on as an honorary star for my visit. You know what it is.



Cool cats. I tried to convince em I could bust a kickflip first try. Yeah right. By this point I had to have crushed 12 heinekens...



Walked into this bar for a piss. The bathroom was down 2 flights of stairs, when i came back up, my man was doin a serious MJ impression.



One for the money.



Quietly, this bird was kinda fly.

The rest of the pictures are cued up and loading into photobucket. If I get the inspiration to do so, I'll hit you off with another set of flicks this afternoon.

As for the rest of the night, Went to the divest bar we could find, vodka tonics and jager?? Fuck. Rolled out as the boys from Polar Bear Club were rollin in. Homie gave me the "where you goin" look, but I ain't no groupie, so we were out.

Part 2 later.

My Favorite Kid Ever:

How pumped is he right now?

I've seen these pics, as I'm sure the rest of you have and homegirl is straight up AVERAGE at best. If she wasn't a "celebrity", no one would even be trippin. Seen alot of girls naked in my time, and trust in your boy, she ain't even top 20.

With all that said, my little asian homie is officially NPB icicle status. Keep grindin'...

-Olls

Average Joe Hits the Jackpot

Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.



Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.

**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**

So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?

** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.

Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?


("Yeah, she's with me.")

Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?

Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:



If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.

Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.

Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??



Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.

P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.

-Olls

Bamettes Pt. 1

The homegirl ____________________, (name left blank purposely) came thru with a photoshoot showin love for the BAMA.

On with the pictures...









And one more, even tho I'm not supposed to throw it up...



Thanks ladies...

Round 2 coming soon.

-Uncle Ollie

The Classics: White Girl Thickness Revisited

Thats all...

I realize that is an old flick, thus the reason it is going up on throwback thursday, and while I'm at it, a few more certified bangers for the fellas...







Tell me the classics don't hit the spot... Go head.


Ladies, get your squat/lunge game tight for the summertime... But never fear, Uncle Ollie still loves you... All of you.

-Uncle Ollie

Megan Fox is a Man??

Of course!

Every hot chick on the planet gets hit with that stigma at least once when they are at their peak.

Remember Ciara? She was supposedly a man.

Lady Gaga? While she may not be hot, or even attractive in the face at all, you can be damn sure she has that fat ass REMEMBER??

Anyways, back to the point. Some idiot from some no name, god-awful News Source is claiming that Megan Fox was born a man.

The story goes on to say, and I quote:

"Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee. From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing. When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit.
By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’. Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time.
As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense. Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors."

WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??

This is worse than most National Enquirer stories I have ever heard of.

Am I really supposed to believe that this:



is anything less than top 3 hottest women on the globe right now? (Spots one and two are reserved for TBC and Kate Beckinsale respectively.)

What a bullshit fabricated story, but it gave me a reason to put up some Megon Fox flicks (that I have actually never done in the history of this blog) so thanks!

A few more to help cool the burn...









Even tho there is no real tail to speak of, I still appreciate the effort.

-Uncle Ollie