Big ups to my mellow my man Brock Hardon from Us Versus Them for finding this gem. I couldn't stop myself from posting it. I try really hard to come with original, fresh material, but when someone gets the scoop on you, you just gotta swallow your pride, give em the credit, and acknowledge the fact that you had no option but to bite. On a quick, semi-related note, I feel like that entire last sentence deserved a "no homo" after each comma... HAAAA.
Good work homie, maybe now I can get back into the blogroll? ha.
-Olls
Showing posts with label good ol' fashioned fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label good ol' fashioned fun. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
New Year's Eve Report
So I had originally planned on heading my way on up to San Francisco for the night's festivities, but plans fell thru do to some unforeseen circumstances. Instead, just chose to get extremely drunk in a medium sized gathering of friends and family.
Anybody who was been reading this blog for the last year, or who saw last year's new years post, knows that I typically just take a shit load of pictures, post em, and crack jokes on folks. Unfortunately, that will not be the case this year as I do believe I was the only joke at the party. What can I say, I was playing beer pong, drinking moonshine, and gave my camera to my 14 year old cousin to snap photos which mostly ended up just being photos of his mother. haha.
Rang in the new year right, but didn't get any of that sweet lovin I was prowlin' for, but that's better anyways. I'm off to NYC to find my girl Lindsey (Lohan) in 2 weeks anyways, plenty of time for photos and jokes then.
There are a few funny photos from the night, but I didn't bring the camera with me today, so uploads won't be until tomorrow.
Highlights:
- "Youre a Monster". Some little kid told me that when i knocked his little brother down. ACCIDENTLY.
- Challenging 15 year olds to do impossible tricks on their skateboards for small sums of money.
- Kissed Nasty Nate on the lips (might be a lowlight actually). Love my cousin. Only male I've ever kissed in my life... what can I say.. The boy is damn near as charming as I am.
- Decided to make the 6+ mile walk home to my house in the fog at around 4 a.m. after a shitload of moonshine. Made it about 3/4 of a block before falling in a bush. Luckily the fam came cruisin on the prowl for me and saved me from my bush.
- Steve Kerr'd those muhfuckas in beer pong. El Draino son..
- My wild ass cousin hittin on me, then getting her mouth taped shut, and taped to a chair. (Whoever taped her to the chair, you fuckin rule). **EDIT** Credit to my 16 year old nephew for that idea. You definitely rule.
And I'd say that about covers it.
Back to Lindsey Lohan if I may, I caught this picture on one of the celebrity gossip blogs, and despite the wild ass bruise (looks suspiciously like a thumbprint from a firm ass slap), who knew Lindsey was draggin a wagon? I thought she was all tits...
Say what you want, but the girl continues to defy standards. She can't be more than 95 pounds with ankle weights on, but 26% of that total weight is pure tits and ass. Lindsey, I love you, if you're in NYC, holler at a young boss.
-Olls
Anybody who was been reading this blog for the last year, or who saw last year's new years post, knows that I typically just take a shit load of pictures, post em, and crack jokes on folks. Unfortunately, that will not be the case this year as I do believe I was the only joke at the party. What can I say, I was playing beer pong, drinking moonshine, and gave my camera to my 14 year old cousin to snap photos which mostly ended up just being photos of his mother. haha.
Rang in the new year right, but didn't get any of that sweet lovin I was prowlin' for, but that's better anyways. I'm off to NYC to find my girl Lindsey (Lohan) in 2 weeks anyways, plenty of time for photos and jokes then.
There are a few funny photos from the night, but I didn't bring the camera with me today, so uploads won't be until tomorrow.
Highlights:
- "Youre a Monster". Some little kid told me that when i knocked his little brother down. ACCIDENTLY.
- Challenging 15 year olds to do impossible tricks on their skateboards for small sums of money.
- Kissed Nasty Nate on the lips (might be a lowlight actually). Love my cousin. Only male I've ever kissed in my life... what can I say.. The boy is damn near as charming as I am.
- Decided to make the 6+ mile walk home to my house in the fog at around 4 a.m. after a shitload of moonshine. Made it about 3/4 of a block before falling in a bush. Luckily the fam came cruisin on the prowl for me and saved me from my bush.
- Steve Kerr'd those muhfuckas in beer pong. El Draino son..
- My wild ass cousin hittin on me, then getting her mouth taped shut, and taped to a chair. (Whoever taped her to the chair, you fuckin rule). **EDIT** Credit to my 16 year old nephew for that idea. You definitely rule.
And I'd say that about covers it.
Back to Lindsey Lohan if I may, I caught this picture on one of the celebrity gossip blogs, and despite the wild ass bruise (looks suspiciously like a thumbprint from a firm ass slap), who knew Lindsey was draggin a wagon? I thought she was all tits...
Say what you want, but the girl continues to defy standards. She can't be more than 95 pounds with ankle weights on, but 26% of that total weight is pure tits and ass. Lindsey, I love you, if you're in NYC, holler at a young boss.
-Olls
Monday, December 21, 2009
Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 4
I'm just gonna go ahead and say it, Yes, I know chapter 3 was soft, but for good reason. I was setting up for the dagger to the heart. After an extended weekend away from writing "the guide", i'm back and more spiteful than ever. I just hope that it translates well from my brain to the keyboard. Fuck an intro, let's get it started.
Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.
Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.
Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...
Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...
We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...
Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.
Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.
Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.
-Ollie the Gifted
Chapter 4: Bitches aint shit.
Every man has "that" day. The day where an epiphany occurs and he no longer finds himself dwelling on past/present/future girl troubles and decideds instead to just go ahead and live in the moment. Girls don't have that option. At least not respectable girls with any morals or sense of self worth. Girls tend to believe that every guy they ever fucked, not only loved them, but in fact, still does. Sorry ladies, it just ain't like that. I said it before, but I will reiterate for the slow learners: guys only have the capacity to love 3-5 women in their lifetime, and chances are, if you were involved with him for any period less than 6 months, you weren't one of them. Sure, he still keeps a life line to you open, but you should understand that it's all part of a grand scheme. Let me put it out there in plain english for the uninitiated: Every guy knows that every girl he ever fucked, he can, and probably will (at some point), fuck again. So don't flatter yourself girls. Oh, he hit you up after not talking to you for 6 months? Sorry to burst your bubble, he just doesn't have any other options on the table, and you were the next girl in his cell phone's contact list. Don't think you're special, cause 9 times out of 10, you're not. But what about that 1/10 remainder... Hey, maybe you are the exception to the rule, but more often than not, you aren't, so just know that going in, and save yourself the embarassment later.
Next to jealousy, pride is the weakest of all emotions. It sounds stupid, but it's the absolute truth. And worse than pride, is female pride. No, I'm not talking about the feminist movement, I'm talking about that little corner of a girl's mind that henders her from saying the things she needs to say at any given moment, thus resulting in the one she wanted slipping away, and her, defaulting back to whatever was most comfortable, most recently. It's the way these hoes work. But ladies, with a little time and a few short lessons, you will see the error in your ways, stop being one of "those hoes", and get back on track. Obviously, some can't be saved, and if you think I'm talkin to/about you, I most certainly am. Stick with uncle Ollie, I would never lead you astray...
Look, I get it. I really do. Girls want to have the same options as the fellas. They want to be allowed to sleep around, they want the option to treat the other half like dirt, etc. etc... It ain't gonna happen. Double standards exist. Accept it. I know, I know, "it's unfair". Sorry. I didn't make the rules, I just accept them and write them down to help YOU out. Getting back to the point, I mean, honestly, we let you vote, isn't that enough? I mean, where does this madness end? No, you are not allowed to behave like a man. Be a fuckin lady, and accept your role in the game of life. Men have accepted their punishment, we have to walk around with a pair of balls all day long, that is why we are justified in all of our selfishness and unbecoming behavior. Do you have any idea how annoying balls can be? Of course not, you don't have them, so youre better suited to just take my word for it...
We know you have an opinion, but why don't you just shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself? Never, in the history of life, has a guy EVER said to a group of his homies, "you know guys, I really appreciate your opinions, but what I really need, is my girl's opinion". Never happened. Never will. Do you know why? Simple really, a girl's take on a situation will ALWAYS be construed as "off" for the simple fact that she is a female. And as we all know, the thought process of a female is completely out of sync from that of a male. Girls, do yourselves a favor and accept this as the pope's gospel. If your man is telling you that your opinion is of high concern to him, he's either gaming you, or he's a punk hoe. In either case, you are better off without him. Getting gamed by a dude will lead you to take drastic measures in future dealings with the fellas, and in all seriousness, will prolly scar you for life. On the flip side, if your man is a punk, then you are really getting the shit end of the stick. Bitch ass dudes are worse than the worst of psychotic females. The dude that expresses all of his feelings. The dude that isn't affraid to cry in front of you after knowing you for 10 days... Yeah, that guy, he will be the one slashing your tires 6 months from now. The one who stalks you for the next 10 years. The emotionally open, pose the greatest threat and are the ones to fear most. That goes for guys as well as girls. No guy wants the girl that throws it all on the line after a matter of days. That is risky business to say the least. Keep your concerns and opinions to yourself, and watch how much more he likes you...
Why is it that girl's are so satisfied making a dude miserable? I'm being dead up serious right now. Girls tend to be at their best, when their former/current significant other is at his worst. It's like women were placed on earth just to ruin a man's day. It could be anything from bitchin' to cheating, but the girl gets the most pleasure when the dude gets the most bent out of shape. Ladies, you wonder why dudes tend to be hesitant and reserved when dealing with you? I'm gonna go on record and tell you now... It's because every girl before you, and every girl after you, was/will be hell bent on making him miserable. Therefore, you should TRY, I say try because it is completely impossible for any girl to actually BE the exception to the rule... Ask him how his day was without expecting him to ask about yours. Give him a back rub without asking to have your feet touched. Cook him a meal, AND do the dishes. Be the provider that you were originally sent here to be. I swear man, the modern day woman just generally ain't shit. No more than 2 generations ago, it was perfectly acceptable for dude's to hit their chick anytime he deemed it neccesary. Nowadays, you got these hoes gettin out of pocket and tryin to go upside their dude's head in the club, in front of dozens of people. Where the fuck did that sense of entitlement come from? It damn sure wasn't your grandmother's way. I remember this one broad I knew told me that "guys don't want a girlfriend, they want a dog, they want someone they can treat like shit, who will just be there all the time"... You know what, she was damn right. Let's get it straight ladies, we tolerate you, so let's try to keep the lunacy and bitchin' to a minimum.
Alot of the female readers are prolly completely furious with me right now thinking "where does he get the nerve?"... Well, ladies, when the shoe fits, you gotta wear it. Drink it up, and take it for what it's worth. Whether you accept this as gospel, or just see the humor in what I write, you should know that it comes from a deep resentment for the female race that years of dealing with you wacky ass birds has created. So, hate if you want, but you should know, ultimately, you are to blame.
Thanks for your time. If you disagree, make it public, or forever hold your piece.
-Ollie the Gifted
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Female Guide to Dating: Chapter 3
I took a brief, but well needed break from writing these little nuggets of wisdom for all you heathens to comtemplate the next logical step in the progression of this so called "book". Spent some time soul searching, but I came up empty because, according to most women (save for my mother, God love her), I don't have a soul, took some words of wisdom from several different sources, and despite my better judgement I have decided to proceed with the next chapter. I mean in all honesty, the response to the first 2 chapters has converted me into a "Dear Abbey" of sorts, so rather than address each person individually, I'm just gonna go ahead and spill my brain.
Chapter 3: The Statuate of Limitations.
Uggghhhhhhh... That's how I feel about writing this right now. This isn't one of those chapters where I can be playful and rude. In fact, this is a warning to everyone who continues on, this isn't typical Ollie... or maybe it is.
To be clear, this chapter will be separated into 2 categories. The first will deal with the boundaries of who is/isn't off limits based on familial and friendship ties. The second will deal with where the line in the sand shall be drawn for ladies who tend to hang on the overzealous side of the fence, and hit their man in public, cause scenes, expose themselves publicly, etc.
So without anymore build up, I just want to say this: Don't read this if you are unstable. I don't need to stabbed or slandered the next time you see me. HAHA.
And were off...
As far as I know, there has never been an actual reference guide to decide when/if it is right/wrong to date the former significant other of a personal friend or family member. With that said, this will now be THE OFFICIAL reference guide for not only getting past that old fling, but getting onto your best friend's former love interest. All the dating guides (everyone elses blubbery bullshit, this is the realness over here) tell you that it should take "approximately half the time you were involved with someone to get over them". Meaning simply: If you dated for a year, you should be over it in 6 months...
I beg to differ. I'm just gonna throw this out there now: Sluts heal faster. It's a fact. So ladies, if you want to be able to get over the last asshole you dated, get onto a new asshole, and keep doing that until eventually you have become a heartless/soulless spawn of satan (like yours truly). Then, and only then, will you be able to see the world as your personal playground and reap the benefits of a shameless existence. Seems easy enough right? AHHNT. Wrong. The problem is, girls have more emotions than men. They show it more often, they react differently to situations, and in general, tend to have more respect for themselves than the other half of the human race. This is a very slippery slope we are attempting to navigate. So bare with me...
For fairness sake, I am going to say that yes, it is more often than not, absolutely positively 100% possible to find a new guy/girl to latch onto that has absolutely zero ties to anyone you know. Really tho, what's the fun in that? Sure, you could move away and find yourself a good ol' boy, but, for the sake of this arguement, let's just say the chances of that happening are about 1 in 73,256. That's a nice round figure. So, what if... What if the new apple of your eye happens to be a former fling/boyfriend/fuck buddy of one of your friends or family members? Is it wrong to cross that line with them? Is it immoral to find comfort in the arms of a person who once dated/fucked your brother/sister/cousin/friend/co-worker/etc.??
The answer is yesno. Look, everyone has their own set of values and their own personal moral compass. No matter what you believe, spiritually or otherwise, it is never easy to justify the tainting of one's friendship for the sake of passion. But this is not a guide on morals were discussing here, if you're looking for moral support or justification, you have quite literally come to the worst possible source. What I am talking about is a pure numbers game.
So let's get down to the mathematics.
Your friend hooked up with this guy a few times, 3 months ago, and it was completely casual. Is it ok for you to fuck him? Absolutely.
Your friend dated this guy for 6 months, it ended 6 months ago, he broke her heart. Are you in the clear? Maybe. It depends on the level of friendship.
Let me break it down like this:
On a scale of 1-5, where does the above stated friend rank?
1- you shared a class with her in high school.
2- you were friends all thru elementary school, but then you got cool and she stayed nerdy.
3- you'd be invited to the wedding, but she wouldn't neccessarily care if you showed up.
4- You guys have a really strong bond and hang out pretty regularly.
5- She's your sister and you would die for her.
**NOTE** This scale applies to both men and women.
If your relationship status with said friend is anywhere in levels 1-3, you're in hog heaven. Fuck her, she would still be your friend if she was worth having around anyways. Right?
If she happens to fall between the cracks of 3 and 4, you're probably going to be ok, so long as she is a logical thinker. And by logical I mean, she wouldn't be nice to your face and then cut off half of your hair while you sleep out of spite.
If she ranks a solid 4, in this case (6 month relationship, been over 6 months) you are absolutely justified in testing the waters. The truth is, if he broke her heart, he'll prolly do the same to you, but hey, life's a gamble right? Roll those motherfuckin' dice and get it crackin'.
For the sake of self preservation, I will refrain from making the arguement that it is ok to go forward with a level 5.
Now, let's say that your friend dated a fella for a solid year or two. They had some troubles, eventually it didn't work out. They have both moved on and the relationship has been over longer than it lasted. How do the numbers play out here?
Levels 1-3: See above.
The level 4 gets tricky. It is a situation where, as a friend to you, the girl should understand that you are obviously taking a big risk in involving yourself with said individual and for that, she should respect the decision. Losing friends is common ground when it comes to dealing with relationships, but like I mentioned before, guys hate 70% of your friends anyway. So good riddance. Besides, if she was really your friend, she would want to see you sparkle, not fade. Furthermore, if the relationship has been over longer than it lasted, time has allowed for all wounds to heal, you prolly already know every bad thing there is to know about the guy to begin with, so there really shouldn't be much surprise. What always gets me is how entitled females get when it comes to a friend dating their ex. Let me just make it clear: He is your ex for a reason. Leave the guy alone, and focus on whoever you are currently making miserable but trying to make happy now. For insight on how to do this, please refer to chapters 1 and 2 located Here and Here.
As for level 5's, in any situation outside of a casual fuck session, I can honestly say that for chicks, it is never ok to fuck somebody who was emotionally tied to a level 5.
Conversely, guys have a completely different approach to this matter. Imma just go ahead and let Snoop and Nate Dogg tell you how it goes...
HAHA. Now of course that isn't true in all situations. If it's a bird brain chick with no morals or shame, of course it is perfectly acceptable to pass her around the circle. Shit, in fact, I personally believe that if a girl is willing to let herself get tossed around that easily, you might as well hit it twice.
Moving on tho, ladies, you have suffered with a smile thru all of my chauvenist rants, so I will give you some insight into the mind of one of the most self absorbed people you will prolly (n)ever meet. I mean, fair is fair right?
MOST men in the world only have enough heart to ever REALLY love a MAXIMUM of 3-5 women in their entire lives. Girls, on the other hand, can convince themselves they are in love after 2 dates and a couple solid sexual romps..
Back to the fellas...
The guy's scale is skewed, and since this is the female guide to dating and the fellas already know the rules, Im gonna keep it short and simple:
If the guy ever LOVED the girl and the homie rates anywhere above a 3 on the scale, she is off limits. Thats it. End of story.
I have literally been sitting here for 6 minutes trying to come up with a good segway into part 2 of this chapter...
This is the best I could come up with, so if you could write it better, you wouldn't be reading this to begin with now would you? So fuck you.
My mother (the saint that she is) has told me since birth that if a woman feels that she is in a position to hit a man, she should expect to be treated as such. Like a man, for the slow class. Can you hear me in the back?? Ok good. Now, I would like to go on record here and say that I, personally, have never hit a woman. I have, however, been hit, kicked, slapped, screamed at, pinched (don't ever fucking pinch me), you name it, they've done it. Why Ollie? Why, if you're such an ice cold son of a bitch, why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to hit a bitch who is more than deserving of said backhand/throat jab? Well, because in my personal experiences, it was one of two situations. 1. I caused the commotion to begin with, or 2. it was in a public forum, and that is one cross I wasn't willing to bare. Contrary to popular belief, I love women, I just can't stand them.
My personal belief in the whole "girls hitting guys" debate is that a girl has 3 chances. That's right. I said 3. If she hits/kicks/slaps you in 3 different engagements, that is grounds for a firm, not violent, but firm, reminder that she is indeed a woman, and you are wearing the fucking pants in this relationship.
I've known alot of girls over the years with excellent titties who were openly willing to display them at a moment's notice. I love those girls. What I don't love, as a matter of fact, I completely hate, is when that girl happens to be the girl that I am "with" at a given time. Ladies, when you're single, be free. Let those titties breathe. Throw em out on the table. Compare with your friends (preferably in large groups of men) but when you're on lock down, i.e. "got a man" (how long you had that problem? haha) the goods are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for that guy. That's it. No if's, and's, or but's. (Unless of course the if is young Ollie da Don, in which case, you already... I am the exception to every rule.) No guy wants his buddy to tell him how good or bad your titties are after you drunkenly flashed them at last year's super bowl party. So, to drive this point home one final time: If you're single, everyone should be priveledged enough to see the goodies, if you're locked up, keep it tight.
Along with the girls that like to show their tits typically roam the girls that get excessively drunk at inappropriate times. Ladies, unless previously arranged, you should NEVER, at any point, be more inebriated than your significant other. It's just not a good look. Sloppy drunk girls are embarassing and clingy. Keep your composure. Your job is to make your man look and feel better. If he is constantly lookin over his shoulder to make sure you haven't fallen down, or thrown up, or flopped the titties out on the bar, you can be damn sure he isn't having a good time. And we all know what that means, if the man ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Stick to the script, and follow the scale. Be honest with yourselves, and you'll be navigating thru troubled waters like an old sea captain with an eye patch and a wooden leg in no time.
I'm here for you. If you have something you would like addressed, please feel free to email me, day or night, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com. I will post the question annonymously and answer with severe conviction.
-Ollie
Chapter 3: The Statuate of Limitations.
Uggghhhhhhh... That's how I feel about writing this right now. This isn't one of those chapters where I can be playful and rude. In fact, this is a warning to everyone who continues on, this isn't typical Ollie... or maybe it is.
To be clear, this chapter will be separated into 2 categories. The first will deal with the boundaries of who is/isn't off limits based on familial and friendship ties. The second will deal with where the line in the sand shall be drawn for ladies who tend to hang on the overzealous side of the fence, and hit their man in public, cause scenes, expose themselves publicly, etc.
So without anymore build up, I just want to say this: Don't read this if you are unstable. I don't need to stabbed or slandered the next time you see me. HAHA.
And were off...
As far as I know, there has never been an actual reference guide to decide when/if it is right/wrong to date the former significant other of a personal friend or family member. With that said, this will now be THE OFFICIAL reference guide for not only getting past that old fling, but getting onto your best friend's former love interest. All the dating guides (everyone elses blubbery bullshit, this is the realness over here) tell you that it should take "approximately half the time you were involved with someone to get over them". Meaning simply: If you dated for a year, you should be over it in 6 months...
I beg to differ. I'm just gonna throw this out there now: Sluts heal faster. It's a fact. So ladies, if you want to be able to get over the last asshole you dated, get onto a new asshole, and keep doing that until eventually you have become a heartless/soulless spawn of satan (like yours truly). Then, and only then, will you be able to see the world as your personal playground and reap the benefits of a shameless existence. Seems easy enough right? AHHNT. Wrong. The problem is, girls have more emotions than men. They show it more often, they react differently to situations, and in general, tend to have more respect for themselves than the other half of the human race. This is a very slippery slope we are attempting to navigate. So bare with me...
For fairness sake, I am going to say that yes, it is more often than not, absolutely positively 100% possible to find a new guy/girl to latch onto that has absolutely zero ties to anyone you know. Really tho, what's the fun in that? Sure, you could move away and find yourself a good ol' boy, but, for the sake of this arguement, let's just say the chances of that happening are about 1 in 73,256. That's a nice round figure. So, what if... What if the new apple of your eye happens to be a former fling/boyfriend/fuck buddy of one of your friends or family members? Is it wrong to cross that line with them? Is it immoral to find comfort in the arms of a person who once dated/fucked your brother/sister/cousin/friend/co-worker/etc.??
The answer is yesno. Look, everyone has their own set of values and their own personal moral compass. No matter what you believe, spiritually or otherwise, it is never easy to justify the tainting of one's friendship for the sake of passion. But this is not a guide on morals were discussing here, if you're looking for moral support or justification, you have quite literally come to the worst possible source. What I am talking about is a pure numbers game.
So let's get down to the mathematics.
Your friend hooked up with this guy a few times, 3 months ago, and it was completely casual. Is it ok for you to fuck him? Absolutely.
Your friend dated this guy for 6 months, it ended 6 months ago, he broke her heart. Are you in the clear? Maybe. It depends on the level of friendship.
Let me break it down like this:
On a scale of 1-5, where does the above stated friend rank?
1- you shared a class with her in high school.
2- you were friends all thru elementary school, but then you got cool and she stayed nerdy.
3- you'd be invited to the wedding, but she wouldn't neccessarily care if you showed up.
4- You guys have a really strong bond and hang out pretty regularly.
5- She's your sister and you would die for her.
**NOTE** This scale applies to both men and women.
If your relationship status with said friend is anywhere in levels 1-3, you're in hog heaven. Fuck her, she would still be your friend if she was worth having around anyways. Right?
If she happens to fall between the cracks of 3 and 4, you're probably going to be ok, so long as she is a logical thinker. And by logical I mean, she wouldn't be nice to your face and then cut off half of your hair while you sleep out of spite.
If she ranks a solid 4, in this case (6 month relationship, been over 6 months) you are absolutely justified in testing the waters. The truth is, if he broke her heart, he'll prolly do the same to you, but hey, life's a gamble right? Roll those motherfuckin' dice and get it crackin'.
For the sake of self preservation, I will refrain from making the arguement that it is ok to go forward with a level 5.
Now, let's say that your friend dated a fella for a solid year or two. They had some troubles, eventually it didn't work out. They have both moved on and the relationship has been over longer than it lasted. How do the numbers play out here?
Levels 1-3: See above.
The level 4 gets tricky. It is a situation where, as a friend to you, the girl should understand that you are obviously taking a big risk in involving yourself with said individual and for that, she should respect the decision. Losing friends is common ground when it comes to dealing with relationships, but like I mentioned before, guys hate 70% of your friends anyway. So good riddance. Besides, if she was really your friend, she would want to see you sparkle, not fade. Furthermore, if the relationship has been over longer than it lasted, time has allowed for all wounds to heal, you prolly already know every bad thing there is to know about the guy to begin with, so there really shouldn't be much surprise. What always gets me is how entitled females get when it comes to a friend dating their ex. Let me just make it clear: He is your ex for a reason. Leave the guy alone, and focus on whoever you are currently making miserable but trying to make happy now. For insight on how to do this, please refer to chapters 1 and 2 located Here and Here.
As for level 5's, in any situation outside of a casual fuck session, I can honestly say that for chicks, it is never ok to fuck somebody who was emotionally tied to a level 5.
Conversely, guys have a completely different approach to this matter. Imma just go ahead and let Snoop and Nate Dogg tell you how it goes...
HAHA. Now of course that isn't true in all situations. If it's a bird brain chick with no morals or shame, of course it is perfectly acceptable to pass her around the circle. Shit, in fact, I personally believe that if a girl is willing to let herself get tossed around that easily, you might as well hit it twice.
Moving on tho, ladies, you have suffered with a smile thru all of my chauvenist rants, so I will give you some insight into the mind of one of the most self absorbed people you will prolly (n)ever meet. I mean, fair is fair right?
MOST men in the world only have enough heart to ever REALLY love a MAXIMUM of 3-5 women in their entire lives. Girls, on the other hand, can convince themselves they are in love after 2 dates and a couple solid sexual romps..
Back to the fellas...
The guy's scale is skewed, and since this is the female guide to dating and the fellas already know the rules, Im gonna keep it short and simple:
If the guy ever LOVED the girl and the homie rates anywhere above a 3 on the scale, she is off limits. Thats it. End of story.
I have literally been sitting here for 6 minutes trying to come up with a good segway into part 2 of this chapter...
This is the best I could come up with, so if you could write it better, you wouldn't be reading this to begin with now would you? So fuck you.
My mother (the saint that she is) has told me since birth that if a woman feels that she is in a position to hit a man, she should expect to be treated as such. Like a man, for the slow class. Can you hear me in the back?? Ok good. Now, I would like to go on record here and say that I, personally, have never hit a woman. I have, however, been hit, kicked, slapped, screamed at, pinched (don't ever fucking pinch me), you name it, they've done it. Why Ollie? Why, if you're such an ice cold son of a bitch, why wouldn't you jump at the opportunity to hit a bitch who is more than deserving of said backhand/throat jab? Well, because in my personal experiences, it was one of two situations. 1. I caused the commotion to begin with, or 2. it was in a public forum, and that is one cross I wasn't willing to bare. Contrary to popular belief, I love women, I just can't stand them.
My personal belief in the whole "girls hitting guys" debate is that a girl has 3 chances. That's right. I said 3. If she hits/kicks/slaps you in 3 different engagements, that is grounds for a firm, not violent, but firm, reminder that she is indeed a woman, and you are wearing the fucking pants in this relationship.
I've known alot of girls over the years with excellent titties who were openly willing to display them at a moment's notice. I love those girls. What I don't love, as a matter of fact, I completely hate, is when that girl happens to be the girl that I am "with" at a given time. Ladies, when you're single, be free. Let those titties breathe. Throw em out on the table. Compare with your friends (preferably in large groups of men) but when you're on lock down, i.e. "got a man" (how long you had that problem? haha) the goods are reserved EXCLUSIVELY for that guy. That's it. No if's, and's, or but's. (Unless of course the if is young Ollie da Don, in which case, you already... I am the exception to every rule.) No guy wants his buddy to tell him how good or bad your titties are after you drunkenly flashed them at last year's super bowl party. So, to drive this point home one final time: If you're single, everyone should be priveledged enough to see the goodies, if you're locked up, keep it tight.
Along with the girls that like to show their tits typically roam the girls that get excessively drunk at inappropriate times. Ladies, unless previously arranged, you should NEVER, at any point, be more inebriated than your significant other. It's just not a good look. Sloppy drunk girls are embarassing and clingy. Keep your composure. Your job is to make your man look and feel better. If he is constantly lookin over his shoulder to make sure you haven't fallen down, or thrown up, or flopped the titties out on the bar, you can be damn sure he isn't having a good time. And we all know what that means, if the man ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Stick to the script, and follow the scale. Be honest with yourselves, and you'll be navigating thru troubled waters like an old sea captain with an eye patch and a wooden leg in no time.
I'm here for you. If you have something you would like addressed, please feel free to email me, day or night, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com. I will post the question annonymously and answer with severe conviction.
-Ollie
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
NPB presents: Oliver Wrist's Female Guide to Dating pt. 1
The cold hard truth of the matter about yours truly is that I am, without a shadow of a doubt, a real son of a bitch. It's a fair assesment, save for the fact that my mother is a saint, which i assume to be the complete opposite of a bitch. But I digress... I spend countless hours of my valuable time writing man laws, womanizing, pointing out the flaws in people, and just generally acting like a raging chauvenist prick. So today, with a little inspiration from a few of my "to remain nameless" female friends, I am going to show the ladies a little bit of love and give them a step by step guide to dating, not only men, but the assholes too.
A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...
First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.
Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".
My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.
Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.
Chapter 1: Get out of your head.
Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".
Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.
Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.
Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"
Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."
Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.
Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."
Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.
Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?
Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.
Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.
Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.
In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.
Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".
Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.
Back with chapter 2 tomorrow. Tell a friend...
-Ollie the Scholar
A brief introduction here, and then were off to the races...
First of all, this is not going to work for all ladies. Let's just accept that. Only the ladies that have the drive and ambition to become the object of his desires will succeed in this course.
Second, this advice is given with fair warning to all the ladies who choose to implement these tools to win over the asshole in their life that chances are he is going to crush you in the long run anyways, because despite how hard you try to stick to the script, every one knows that females are inherently that, FEMALE. So, in time, the lunacy that all females possess will take over the cool chick that you were presenting and all that work you did will be for nothing because you let HER out of the cage. This should go without saying, but I'm putting it out there anyways: Ladies, if you want it to last, you can't be "yourself".
My third and final point before attempting to tackle this subject is simple, this is not for the faint of heart. Please take everything with a grain of salt and understand that this is only going to act as a basic outline for what you should be doing and only those select few ladies out there that are willing to go the extra mile to succeed will learn to use this guide, and bend it to their will. You, fair ladies, are who this is meant for.
Oh yeah, I should mention, this will be an ongoing series of chapters. If I tackled everything all at once, this post would never end. So We will start with chapter one today, and move on to chapter two tomorrow.
Chapter 1: Get out of your head.
Very simply put, if you're tryin to nab that dreamboat you've always wanted but haven't had any success, chances are you are over thinking it. Either that, or you're ugly. If the latter is the case, stay tuned for later chapters. Moving on tho, guys, by nature, are very simple creatures. There is no grand mystery to understanding the way men operate. If you want to understand the way a guy's mind works, just examine the way boys behave when they have a crush in the 2nd/3rd grade. Pulling hair, being mean, pushing the girl down, chasing her around the playground, telling her she's ugly, etc. Sound familiar? You remember this shit? Now apply it to your past/current/future failed relationships. Some of the actions have changed, but definitely none of the reactions. So maybe he's not pulling your hair and chasing you around the playground, but he is still making you feel like you don't matter. Am I right? Are you still with me? (I can see all the girls heads nodding in agreeance right now. HAHA.) Girls want to be loved, guys know this, so it is our job as a man to provide as much resistance as possible while still getting what we want from the "relationship".
Stop overanalyzing everything. So maybe he didn't call you back, guess what? That's his perogative. 9 times out of 10, the guy just didn't have anything important to tell you and decided to watch the history channel and fall asleep. But Ollie, what about that other 1/10? He just wanted to show you that you didn't matter, but by doing so, ladies you should understand that he showed you the complete opposite. Huh? What does that mean? It's simple really. When the guy makes it a point to let you know he wasn't thinking about you, he most certainly was. Now just nestle that somewhere safe in your brain and keep it locked there. No, you never tell him you know, just know it and accept it and move forward. Remember, this is about fixing yourselves ladies, not him. Which leads me to my next point, Men can't be fixed, so don't bother trying. All the lady can do is mold herself to fit the picture of perfection the boy has been groomed to see.
Stop testing him. Look, every guy knows this, and girls should know that we know so that they will stop the bullshit testing game. EVERYTHING IS A TEST. Whether you or I admit to it or not, it is understood. Accept that and move on.
Question: "What do you mean by test Ollie?"
Answer: "You know exactly what I mean."
Do I really have to spell it out for you? Fine. I forgot for a second that I was dealing with the female side of the human coin.
Do we love you? Probably, but not as much as you love us, so don't ask, or expect to get a shitty response followed by a "I don't want to talk about it."
Oh, you want to play phone games and hang up on me to see if I will call back? Well, then I won't from now on.
Do I think she is pretty? Well, if you noticed her, you better damn well believe that I saw her before you did. Why bother asking me?
Why am I so annoyed? Because you keep asking me the same fucking question over and over again.
Are we clear now? These are simple examples of tests that women give guys on a regular basis. Cut that shit out, and I bet you my life savings and the royalties from my first published book, that you will be having alot more success with the fellas in the long run.
Speaking of the long run, yes, we know you have already picked out your wedding gown, and the song you will be dancing to on your wedding day. Don't tell us about it. There is no way that I know of personally that will turn a guy off faster than dropping the F-word on him, 2 weeks into the relationship. No, not Fuck, I'm talkin about the real F-Word: FOREVER. Do you have any idea how long forever is? I mean, it's FOREVER. As in, eternity. The rest of his natural born life. etc. etc. We know you're thinking it, but your job now as a student of young Ollie Da Don's workshop is to be mindful of the fact that we know, and NEVER let that cat out of the bag.
In this day and age of social networking and online dating, it is very easy for a lady to keep tabs on the guy she is interested in by "lurking" on his myspace/facebook pages and checkin in on who he is talking to. One word: Don't. Ladies, you know damn well that it is going to piss you off when you do find the dirt you are looking for, so why in the fuck would you want to set yourself up for that? Answer: Because "she" is coming back. Don't let her take over. You were doing so well. And if, despite all of my advice to the contrary, you still feel the need to stalk his facebook page, do so discreetly and never mention it to him. Guy's hate to be questioned. No matter what we say in response to your ridiculous alligations, it will always come off sounding guilty. Why? Because, the brutal fact of the matter is that yes, we enjoy being adored, and when given the option to get attention from an attractive female, we will not turn it down. This simple truth does not, however, mean we will be fuckin everything that walks by. Sure, men sniff around, and keep their eyes peeled for the next amazing tail piece to blaze on by, but ladies, without a little benefit of the doubt, all you will be doing is further pushing him into the arms of the next bad bitch to offer up the skins.
Jealousy is a weak emotion, a female trait if you will. Yes I said it, and damnit if I won't stand by it. Turning off this gluttonous urge to prove just how psycho and dramatic you can be is gonna be tricky. I won't lie. In fact, in 87% of cases studied (that is a scientific fact delivered to you courtest of Dr. Oliver Wrist), It is completely impossible to stop a female from being jealous. "So what do we do Ollie?" Simple. Don't over react. In fact, under react. You see him in the streets choppin up his ex girlfriend, being friendly, don't go running up to cock block. No, No, instead, walk on over and invite her to join you guys for dinner some time. Why would you do this? Simple. One, it completely exudes confidence. Men can smell the confidence a mile away, and that, ladies, is your third best asset (more on this in later chapters). Two, it lets HER know that you got your man locked and you are not threatened (further demonstrating that confidence). And three, it breaks up the party before there is a chance for you to go berzerk and flip out and then play the game known as "I don't know what you're talking about". God damnit, yes you do. You know exactly what I am talking about when I ask you "what is your problem?".
Dating is a series of games and role playing, it sucks, but it's true. Choosing to embrace this fact rather than ignore it will hopefully give the ladies the inside track and help them get one step closer to their goal of complete domination of their particular male interest.
Back with chapter 2 tomorrow. Tell a friend...
-Ollie the Scholar
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Hollywood part 1
True dat.
Fuck the Joker, look at the cut on homeboy's head!
"You got any tips for me?" Get a real job.
Hand stitched.
Polar Bear Club. Face melters.
So I went to a punk rock show... Fuck you.
jailbait.
my dude right here.
What up tho... Told you I'd put you up.
The new age Zach De la Rocha.
This place was trill.
Moshpits. Really? Were still doin that?
This kid was hyped the fuck up. I remember him being the only one dancin around. reminded me of that scene in "Nick and Norah's Infinite playlist" where the little asian kid is all hype on the dance floor dolo breakdancin for that band "R U Randy" or whatever. Don't judge me. I'm a sucker for teen angst..
yeaaaaahhhh...
New fam.
Over it.
I'm about 90% sure these girls never went into the show. Just col' lampin...
This picture speaks volumes.
cool goat Anthrax guy.
If you got a beard, you're cool with me.
Thicky thickerson stage right. That was an accidental photo, but then i noticed that ol' girl was workin with some thighs but i couldn't flip it in time to peep the tail... Next time, I won't miss.
Life.
Iceberg... I think that's what he told me his name was. Peep stage left tho, homegirl's arm is livin large.
Just creeped on these cats mashin the streets with what i presume to be stolen carved pumpkins. They thought I was paparazzi, Told 'em to kick back, I was on the same team.
They put me on as an honorary star for my visit. You know what it is.
Cool cats. I tried to convince em I could bust a kickflip first try. Yeah right. By this point I had to have crushed 12 heinekens...
Walked into this bar for a piss. The bathroom was down 2 flights of stairs, when i came back up, my man was doin a serious MJ impression.
One for the money.
Quietly, this bird was kinda fly.
The rest of the pictures are cued up and loading into photobucket. If I get the inspiration to do so, I'll hit you off with another set of flicks this afternoon.
As for the rest of the night, Went to the divest bar we could find, vodka tonics and jager?? Fuck. Rolled out as the boys from Polar Bear Club were rollin in. Homie gave me the "where you goin" look, but I ain't no groupie, so we were out.
Part 2 later.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer
Is this who Elton John was talking about in the classic '70's love ballad "Tiny Dancer" that was made famous by everyone's favorite awful movie "Almost Famous"?? Man that movie sucks. It just kills me you know it? I watch it every time it is on the tube and always end up asking myself, Why? Why Olls did you subject yourself to this train wreck. There was a time when I used to think that Kate Hudson was the business back in my younger years, well before I learned about the benefits of the thick white chick and the power moves they were making to take over the internet, er WORLD!!
Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...
Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...
Wow. Just, WOW player.
Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...
A few quick thoughts...
She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.
Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.
I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.
I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.
Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.
-Uncle Ollie
Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...
Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...
Wow. Just, WOW player.
Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...
A few quick thoughts...
She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.
Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.
I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.
I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.
Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.
-Uncle Ollie
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Major Lazer = Pure Savage
If you skipped over that just to get my commentary, go back. You need to watch. There is nothing I can say to explain the magic in this video. Seriously. What the hell was the point?
I'll tell you this, those girls are walkin a very fine line between thick and fat. I definitely wouldn't kick any of 'em outta bed, but I'll be damned if I ever let a chicken jump on my shit like that. Man, that shit was off the hook slice!!!
-Olls
Friday, July 31, 2009
Keep That Pussy On A Leash
Yep, those are real, and you can Buy Em Right Here.
HAHA.
Peace to Ignored Prayers for being the coolest blog on the planet. EVER.
And while I'm feelin extra perverted, What number do you prefer??
Stay classy internet. Stay classy.
-Uncle Ollie strikes again
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Damn, homey got so played out. He's straight sleepin son.
P.S. did you hear all those bones break? My God.
-Ollie
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Naked Guy on a Cross
Listen to that commentary.
"naked guy on cross" "naked guy deficates on cross". HAHA.
The real news video footage...
LMAO at him wiping the shit all over the cross. Now that my friends, is sacrelige.
-Ollie
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Make It Rain On You Hoes
Oh my GOD. If this is real (i.e. not a joke/spoof) this could possibly be the best youtube video to date.
If you punished yourself and didn't watch the video all the way through, go back up and click play. Then go ahead and fast forward to about the 2:27 mark.
ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND CUT! We got it. No more takes. You completely nailed it that time.
You're welcome.
-Ollie
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Saved By The Bell x Soulja Boy
Now that I've got you all caught up with why I've been missing in action, I found this AMAZING video over at College Humor and it's way more than awesome, it's fuckinbadass...
Would I lie to you? Didn't I tell you all how great that was going to be? Props to whoever made that video and reminded me of how super officially bad my girl Lisa Turtle is/was. I did a Throwback Thursday on Lark Voorhies months ago, but right now seems like as good a time as any to remind the world of what my girl Lark is/was bringin' to the table.
Short hair, long hair it don't matter. She's bringin' the fire.
Word life.
-Ollie
Would I lie to you? Didn't I tell you all how great that was going to be? Props to whoever made that video and reminded me of how super officially bad my girl Lisa Turtle is/was. I did a Throwback Thursday on Lark Voorhies months ago, but right now seems like as good a time as any to remind the world of what my girl Lark is/was bringin' to the table.
Short hair, long hair it don't matter. She's bringin' the fire.
Word life.
-Ollie
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Shanghai's Got It Right!
Anybody who knows me personally knows 2 things that are 100% fact:
1. I am completely and totally self absorbed.
2. I am a disgusting pervert.
So when I saw this picture, I was automatically intrigued...
What you are looking at is the sperm collection bank in Shanghai. The girl's actually do the "milking process" for you. You get paid 30 dollars per donation. You can donate 3 times per visit (all hand extracted), and you can visit 4-5 times per month.
Are you kidding me?
I guaranfuckintee that if American fertility clinics started offering handjobs for extraction purposes, dudes would be lining up around the block to donate their time and sperm free of charge every day without hesitation.
Sign me the fuck up, RIGHT NOW.
This would be a huge change from my normal trips to the "collection bank" in which I haggle price with a non engrish speaking immigrant for 30 minutes before ultimately recieving my 45 seconds of "pure satisfaction" that costs me $100.00.
These "nurses" are actually willing to pay $30 bones to tug me? Really?
Fuck this shit, I'm going to Shanghai.
Story courtesy of Ignored Prayers.
-Ollie (feelin a little weird in my khakis right about now)
1. I am completely and totally self absorbed.
2. I am a disgusting pervert.
So when I saw this picture, I was automatically intrigued...
What you are looking at is the sperm collection bank in Shanghai. The girl's actually do the "milking process" for you. You get paid 30 dollars per donation. You can donate 3 times per visit (all hand extracted), and you can visit 4-5 times per month.
Are you kidding me?
I guaranfuckintee that if American fertility clinics started offering handjobs for extraction purposes, dudes would be lining up around the block to donate their time and sperm free of charge every day without hesitation.
Sign me the fuck up, RIGHT NOW.
This would be a huge change from my normal trips to the "collection bank" in which I haggle price with a non engrish speaking immigrant for 30 minutes before ultimately recieving my 45 seconds of "pure satisfaction" that costs me $100.00.
These "nurses" are actually willing to pay $30 bones to tug me? Really?
Fuck this shit, I'm going to Shanghai.
Story courtesy of Ignored Prayers.
-Ollie (feelin a little weird in my khakis right about now)
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Wolverine Will Rock Your Shit
Homemade Real Wolverine Like Claws X-Men - These bloopers are hilarious
Pure, unadulterated badassness.
Watch out cardboard boxes, home made Wolverine is comin' for that ass.
On a serious note though, the mechanical workings of those claws are pretty tech. Props to the guy for building em. Unfortunately, his mechanical skills will forever be overshadowed by this video of him whoopin' some serious cardboard ass.
He should take it to those DB's from Cardboard Robot. hahaha.
-Ollie the Shredder
Friday, March 13, 2009
It's Friday, Let's Have A Laugh
Horrible C-walk. Great yard sale (when all his shit goes flying). Whoever dubbed that track over the video picked an awful song. I want to punch that idiot. How fast was that treadmill going to shoot homie AGAINST THE WALL like that? I think it was on purpose, but nonetheless, awesome slam.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Cornhole: The Game That Is Sweeping The Nation
If you aren't familiar with the game of Cornhole, watch this brief tutorial to get caught up.
Now that we've gotten the instructions out of the way, onto the explanation of how great this game is.
Cornhole is the shit because:
Drinking is basically a requirement.
You can build the boards yourself with simple instructions from the internet.
It is relatively easy to play in comparison to other common backyard games. i.e. "washers" or "horseshoes".
The boards are completely mobile.
Your mom loves to play.
Join a league and get involved. If you are local (Central California) and are interested, holler at me. nickelplatedbama@gmail.com
-Ollie
Now that we've gotten the instructions out of the way, onto the explanation of how great this game is.
Cornhole is the shit because:
Drinking is basically a requirement.
You can build the boards yourself with simple instructions from the internet.
It is relatively easy to play in comparison to other common backyard games. i.e. "washers" or "horseshoes".
The boards are completely mobile.
Your mom loves to play.
Join a league and get involved. If you are local (Central California) and are interested, holler at me. nickelplatedbama@gmail.com
-Ollie
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