1. If you can grow a beard, grow a fucking beard. PERIOD.
2. After the age of 12, any physical pain you suffer shall not result in tears. I don't care if you've compound fractured your femur, suck that shit up and rub some dirt on it.
3. After you have experienced your first heartbreak, crying over a woman is a waste of valuable time that could be better spent chopping down trees and enjoying that massive beard you have grown since that bitch left.
4. It is completely acceptable to cry during the movies "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Old Yeller".
5. When given the option to fuck or have your laundry done... Get the laundry done. If she was willing to fuck you before doing the laundry, she will be willing to fuck you after the laundry is done. That laundry ain't gonna do itself.
6. Never leave the fo' sho' pussy fo some mo' pussy.
7. With the exception of your's truly, YOU are NOT getting any better looking with age.
8. You married your high school sweetheart? Congratulations DICK. You never get to see another stitch of tail for the rest of your life.
9. Drinking on your lunch break is completely acceptable, so long as it is a light beer. Save the leaded for after work.
10. If you can't change a tire, kill yourself RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
11. There is no such thing as "the right one", there's the one you want, the one you got, the one you could never have, and the one you wished you never met. In no particular order, of course.
12. If you have won every fight you've ever been in, you haven't been in enough fights.
13. You don't pay the hooker to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
14. If the restaurant does not have a minimum of 3 DIFFERENT cuts of red meat, walk the fuck out.
15. Mother comes before all other females.
16. Happiness, for the most part, is completely fabricated. The only truly happy people in the world are the people who, in all sincerity, do not give a FUCK.
17. The number of true friends you have in this world can be measured on one hand, anything beyond that, you don't comprehend TRUE friends.
18. If you are still currently backing Obama's health care initiative, your balls are gone.
19. Respect is earned, never given.
20. Silence is golden.
21. If your girl has more guy friends than girl friends, she's cheating on you.
22. All women are sisters and would rather eat your heart than give birth to your spawn.
23. If you've never caught a fish... I don't even have to finish.
More on this later...