Showing posts with label things that kill me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label things that kill me. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Fucking White People...
I'm taking the rest of the week off. Enjoy the holidays you gluttonous fucks.
-Ollie
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Man Laws:
1. If you can grow a beard, grow a fucking beard. PERIOD.
2. After the age of 12, any physical pain you suffer shall not result in tears. I don't care if you've compound fractured your femur, suck that shit up and rub some dirt on it.
3. After you have experienced your first heartbreak, crying over a woman is a waste of valuable time that could be better spent chopping down trees and enjoying that massive beard you have grown since that bitch left.
4. It is completely acceptable to cry during the movies "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Old Yeller".
5. When given the option to fuck or have your laundry done... Get the laundry done. If she was willing to fuck you before doing the laundry, she will be willing to fuck you after the laundry is done. That laundry ain't gonna do itself.
6. Never leave the fo' sho' pussy fo some mo' pussy.
7. With the exception of your's truly, YOU are NOT getting any better looking with age.
8. You married your high school sweetheart? Congratulations DICK. You never get to see another stitch of tail for the rest of your life.
9. Drinking on your lunch break is completely acceptable, so long as it is a light beer. Save the leaded for after work.
10. If you can't change a tire, kill yourself RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
11. There is no such thing as "the right one", there's the one you want, the one you got, the one you could never have, and the one you wished you never met. In no particular order, of course.
12. If you have won every fight you've ever been in, you haven't been in enough fights.
13. You don't pay the hooker to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
14. If the restaurant does not have a minimum of 3 DIFFERENT cuts of red meat, walk the fuck out.
15. Mother comes before all other females.
16. Happiness, for the most part, is completely fabricated. The only truly happy people in the world are the people who, in all sincerity, do not give a FUCK.
17. The number of true friends you have in this world can be measured on one hand, anything beyond that, you don't comprehend TRUE friends.
18. If you are still currently backing Obama's health care initiative, your balls are gone.
19. Respect is earned, never given.
20. Silence is golden.
21. If your girl has more guy friends than girl friends, she's cheating on you.
22. All women are sisters and would rather eat your heart than give birth to your spawn.
23. If you've never caught a fish... I don't even have to finish.
More on this later...
-Ollie
2. After the age of 12, any physical pain you suffer shall not result in tears. I don't care if you've compound fractured your femur, suck that shit up and rub some dirt on it.
3. After you have experienced your first heartbreak, crying over a woman is a waste of valuable time that could be better spent chopping down trees and enjoying that massive beard you have grown since that bitch left.
4. It is completely acceptable to cry during the movies "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "Old Yeller".
5. When given the option to fuck or have your laundry done... Get the laundry done. If she was willing to fuck you before doing the laundry, she will be willing to fuck you after the laundry is done. That laundry ain't gonna do itself.
6. Never leave the fo' sho' pussy fo some mo' pussy.
7. With the exception of your's truly, YOU are NOT getting any better looking with age.
8. You married your high school sweetheart? Congratulations DICK. You never get to see another stitch of tail for the rest of your life.
9. Drinking on your lunch break is completely acceptable, so long as it is a light beer. Save the leaded for after work.
10. If you can't change a tire, kill yourself RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
11. There is no such thing as "the right one", there's the one you want, the one you got, the one you could never have, and the one you wished you never met. In no particular order, of course.
12. If you have won every fight you've ever been in, you haven't been in enough fights.
13. You don't pay the hooker to fuck you, you pay her to leave.
14. If the restaurant does not have a minimum of 3 DIFFERENT cuts of red meat, walk the fuck out.
15. Mother comes before all other females.
16. Happiness, for the most part, is completely fabricated. The only truly happy people in the world are the people who, in all sincerity, do not give a FUCK.
17. The number of true friends you have in this world can be measured on one hand, anything beyond that, you don't comprehend TRUE friends.
18. If you are still currently backing Obama's health care initiative, your balls are gone.
19. Respect is earned, never given.
20. Silence is golden.
21. If your girl has more guy friends than girl friends, she's cheating on you.
22. All women are sisters and would rather eat your heart than give birth to your spawn.
23. If you've never caught a fish... I don't even have to finish.
More on this later...
-Ollie
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Irony of Dying on Your Birthday:
And yes, that is indeed the title to a song by a poppy-screamo-metal band that I have spent WAY TOO MUCH time listening to over the last 2 weeks.
Oh yeah, AHEM! I'm back. Or something that might sort of resemble being "back".
God, this blog took a serious turn for the worse over the last month or so.
Let me say this, for those that are wondering, Yes, I am indeed still alive. No, I was not struggling with any form of writer's block. What I have been dealing with is more than I would wish on my most hated foe.
So here it goes, the story, the way I see it, and the way I want it told. To any and all who have played a part in this, I apologize for involving you in my mess. There I go again, apologizing. Fuck. I feel like Larry David over here.
Friday, September 11, 2009 (what an interesting day to choose to change my life ha!) I went to visit the tattoo shop. Not to get a tattoo, mind you, not at all. I went there to visit with my cousin, bullshit a little, and most importantly, I wanted to get some of that fancy carbon paper they use to transfer the drawing to the skin. I had this genius plan that it would work on canvas, and I had this pretty rad picture I drew sitting on my desk at home, just waiting to be painted.
So there I sit, chowin down pain killers like m&m's to comfort myself from the sense of loneliness and destitude that I have been wallowing in for the last several weeks when all of a sudden, I get the genius idea that I'm gonna get a new tattoo. At this point, I have no fucking clue what this tattoo will be, where it will go, or why I will get it, but nonetheless, I'm getting it.
I settle on the phrase "The Truth Shall Set You Free" over my "heart" or what, at that point, was left of it. So after the hustle of "how much" and alladat, I'm sittin in the chair, not feeling a thing, as I have been, for the last year or so, and 45 minutes later, I get up, go home, and take a look at my genius new insignia. For the record, I forgot the carbon paper all together, and couldn't for one second tell you what conversations I had, and with whom, or what, if anything, those conversations were about.
I go to sleep, alone, as I have been for the last month or so with the aid of my little yellow femme fatales. And no, I'm not talkin about petite asian masseuses, I'm talkin about these stupid little pills I've been force feeding myself to cover up the scars of emotional trauma under the guise of a fairly severe back injury I suffered back in high school.
Sleep is an excellent thing. So excellent, in fact, that I decided I was going to sleep the entire weekend away. Every time I woke up, I just took another handful and passed right the fuck back out. This went on until Sunday Morning...
The bottle is empty.
What will I do now?
That, my dear friends and followers, is when it hit me. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, and read the new ink permanently tattooed into my skin. The shit hit me like a stone Mason's hammer whilst building the Temple of Solomon (sorry, I watched a SHIT LOAD of History Channel in the numerous days to come).
"The Truth Shall Set You Free".
What a fuckin' concept.
The assessment of my life came at the urging from my mother. "You've been locked up sleeping for 40 hours straight, the fuck's your problem?"
And there it is folks.
**Time to get Honest**
I have a severe addiction to pain killers. One that ultimately had planned on sending me to an early grave, that, by this point in my life (Sunday night, not Today), didn't seem so bad.
What the Fuck? Awwwwww Hell Nah. I ain't goin out like that.
Get Real here.
So, Sunday Night I decided to clean up the act and cut the bullshit.
Despite the urging's of family members and other close confidants I said FUCK REHAB.
I am a grown ass man with the strength and will power to get thru ANYTHING.
The next Nine days of my life would prove to be the most difficult days I have ever been thru, or, for that matter, may EVER go thru.
I will not be specific in dosage amounts for sake of comparison to you or your friend's pill habits, suffice it to say, there was a LOT.
I'll do you a favor now and spare you the details of what was set to transpire, but this person I have been and was slowly turning into permanently was going to get the fuck gone, and your boy would be standing on his soapbox triumphant once again.
I can do this...
Whew.
Here I stand today, after 9 days of an agonizing detox coupled with the thrill of taking a loss in the realm of love, proving to myself, first and foremost, that I am capable of functioning without the use of those little crutches.
I guess that just about sums it up.
In retrospect, maybe this post should have been called Sunday Morning? Eh?
Bump that. Young Ollie in the building, and bout to shit all over the internets as soon as I get my strength back.
Thank you.
P.S. There is no chance I would have gotten thru this without the help of a few select individuals. No name droppin' tho, just know, without you, shit wouldn't have happened. LOVE.
I'm almost Back...
-Kevin M. Smith.
Oh yeah, AHEM! I'm back. Or something that might sort of resemble being "back".
God, this blog took a serious turn for the worse over the last month or so.
Let me say this, for those that are wondering, Yes, I am indeed still alive. No, I was not struggling with any form of writer's block. What I have been dealing with is more than I would wish on my most hated foe.
So here it goes, the story, the way I see it, and the way I want it told. To any and all who have played a part in this, I apologize for involving you in my mess. There I go again, apologizing. Fuck. I feel like Larry David over here.
Friday, September 11, 2009 (what an interesting day to choose to change my life ha!) I went to visit the tattoo shop. Not to get a tattoo, mind you, not at all. I went there to visit with my cousin, bullshit a little, and most importantly, I wanted to get some of that fancy carbon paper they use to transfer the drawing to the skin. I had this genius plan that it would work on canvas, and I had this pretty rad picture I drew sitting on my desk at home, just waiting to be painted.
So there I sit, chowin down pain killers like m&m's to comfort myself from the sense of loneliness and destitude that I have been wallowing in for the last several weeks when all of a sudden, I get the genius idea that I'm gonna get a new tattoo. At this point, I have no fucking clue what this tattoo will be, where it will go, or why I will get it, but nonetheless, I'm getting it.
I settle on the phrase "The Truth Shall Set You Free" over my "heart" or what, at that point, was left of it. So after the hustle of "how much" and alladat, I'm sittin in the chair, not feeling a thing, as I have been, for the last year or so, and 45 minutes later, I get up, go home, and take a look at my genius new insignia. For the record, I forgot the carbon paper all together, and couldn't for one second tell you what conversations I had, and with whom, or what, if anything, those conversations were about.
I go to sleep, alone, as I have been for the last month or so with the aid of my little yellow femme fatales. And no, I'm not talkin about petite asian masseuses, I'm talkin about these stupid little pills I've been force feeding myself to cover up the scars of emotional trauma under the guise of a fairly severe back injury I suffered back in high school.
Sleep is an excellent thing. So excellent, in fact, that I decided I was going to sleep the entire weekend away. Every time I woke up, I just took another handful and passed right the fuck back out. This went on until Sunday Morning...
The bottle is empty.
What will I do now?
That, my dear friends and followers, is when it hit me. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, and read the new ink permanently tattooed into my skin. The shit hit me like a stone Mason's hammer whilst building the Temple of Solomon (sorry, I watched a SHIT LOAD of History Channel in the numerous days to come).
"The Truth Shall Set You Free".
What a fuckin' concept.
The assessment of my life came at the urging from my mother. "You've been locked up sleeping for 40 hours straight, the fuck's your problem?"
And there it is folks.
**Time to get Honest**
I have a severe addiction to pain killers. One that ultimately had planned on sending me to an early grave, that, by this point in my life (Sunday night, not Today), didn't seem so bad.
What the Fuck? Awwwwww Hell Nah. I ain't goin out like that.
Get Real here.
So, Sunday Night I decided to clean up the act and cut the bullshit.
Despite the urging's of family members and other close confidants I said FUCK REHAB.
I am a grown ass man with the strength and will power to get thru ANYTHING.
The next Nine days of my life would prove to be the most difficult days I have ever been thru, or, for that matter, may EVER go thru.
I will not be specific in dosage amounts for sake of comparison to you or your friend's pill habits, suffice it to say, there was a LOT.
I'll do you a favor now and spare you the details of what was set to transpire, but this person I have been and was slowly turning into permanently was going to get the fuck gone, and your boy would be standing on his soapbox triumphant once again.
I can do this...
Whew.
Here I stand today, after 9 days of an agonizing detox coupled with the thrill of taking a loss in the realm of love, proving to myself, first and foremost, that I am capable of functioning without the use of those little crutches.
I guess that just about sums it up.
In retrospect, maybe this post should have been called Sunday Morning? Eh?
Bump that. Young Ollie in the building, and bout to shit all over the internets as soon as I get my strength back.
Thank you.
P.S. There is no chance I would have gotten thru this without the help of a few select individuals. No name droppin' tho, just know, without you, shit wouldn't have happened. LOVE.
I'm almost Back...
-Kevin M. Smith.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Is This What You Call Tact??
2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.
If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...
It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?
I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?
First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.
Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.
I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...
#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.
I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.
I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.
I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.
This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...
Some things that are great...
-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.
-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.
-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.
I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.
If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.
Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."
And, were clear.........................
Or are we?
-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith
If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...
It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?
I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?
First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.
Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.
I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...
#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.
I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.
I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.
I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.
This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...
Some things that are great...
-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.
-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.
-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.
I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.
If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.
Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."
And, were clear.........................
Or are we?
-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
You Can't be Serious
The worst fucking guy since Joe Rogan is now getting paid appearance fees to show up and host parties?
This is some sort of cruel prank. Has to be. John Gosselin sucks so much dick...
-Ollie the Hateful
Friday, August 14, 2009
Do the World a Favor...
... and stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs. iT iS tHe MoSt AnNoYiNg ThInG oN tHe PlAnEt aNd MaKeS YoU lOoK LiKe a DaMn FoOl.
I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?
Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?
Fuck.
You belong on the:
I hate you.
-Ollie the Awful
I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?
Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?
Fuck.
You belong on the:
I hate you.
-Ollie the Awful
Monday, July 13, 2009
Things That Kill Me pt. 3
Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.
Part 1 Click Here
Part 1 Click Here
Now, on with the show.
Things that kill me pt. 3:
1. Eek-A-Mouse
I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.
2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs
Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.
3. Feminists
I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:
and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.
4. Female Child Actors
God I hate you.
5. Audience participation.
Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.
6. Men with pony tails.
Why?
7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.
Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.
8. My Friends.
Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.
I love you guys.
9. Deflating an air mattress.
You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.
10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.
But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.
11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.
I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.
12. Condoms.
Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.
13. Patent leather shoes.
Yep. You look like a DICK.
14. Denim Shorts.
Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.
15. Biting my tongue.
Self explanatory
16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.
FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.
Last (for now) but certainly not least...
17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.
I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.
That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.
Part 1 Click Here
Part 1 Click Here
Now, on with the show.
Things that kill me pt. 3:
1. Eek-A-Mouse
I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.
2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs
Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.
3. Feminists
I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:
and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.
4. Female Child Actors
God I hate you.
5. Audience participation.
Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.
6. Men with pony tails.
Why?
7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.
Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.
8. My Friends.
Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.
I love you guys.
9. Deflating an air mattress.
You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.
10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.
But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.
11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.
I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.
12. Condoms.
Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.
13. Patent leather shoes.
Yep. You look like a DICK.
14. Denim Shorts.
Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.
15. Biting my tongue.
Self explanatory
16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.
FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.
Last (for now) but certainly not least...
17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.
I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.
That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
A Message to the Self Entitled Jerk-Off Pharmacist at Rite-Aid:
I have no fucking idea why you think that your punk ass degree is more valuable than the degree my doctor achieved to practice medicine, but you do, and I hate everything about you. I am so tired of you putting your fat foreign nose in my business every fucking time I try to get a refill. My doctor has no issues with my medications, but somehow your community college certificate of completion gives you the power/right to override my dr.'s reccomendations. Trying to flex the small bit of power you have over me does nothing but make me want to severely hurt you. I swear on everything I find holy (i.e. TBC, thick white women, Cubs' baseball, etc.) if I ever see you in the streets, you are getting destroyed. I am so mad right now I could spit nails, and you best believe I will be carrying this grudge around with me until such time as the problem is solved.
I am fucking livid and it's all your fault.
Now to the back story...
Last Thursday I visited with the dr. and got a bump in my prescriptions. Being as I am a cash patient and had limited funds I asked the pharmacist to give me a chunk of the script now and I would come back in on Tuesday when I got my paycheck.
So I go in last night to get the remainder of my prescription and this fucking piece of shit camel fucker (no racism) decides that because I am "back too soon" he is not going to give me what is rightfully mine.
I ask, very calmly at first, "what right do you have to tell me when I can and cannot pick up a prescription that was written for me" followed by "the dr. wrote the prescription for a specific amount, please explain to me how me picking them up 5 days apart and all at one time are different".
Fucking jack off pharmacist "sir, I don't care if the dr. wrote the prescription for 2,000 tablets, it is my discretion"...
To which I respond "how does that make sense to you? If I had enough cash on me to get the ENTIRE prescription last Thursday, you would have released the full prescription to me correct? Then why in the fuck would it matter that I had to wait until I got my paycheck to pick up the remainder?"
Jack-off (dumb fucking look on his face) "ummm sir, you'll need to lower your voice".
Ollie: "I am going to beat the shit out of you if I ever see you in the streets"
Jack-off "you're going to need to have your prescriptions transfered out of this pharmacy and stop threatening me"
Ollie: "It's not a threat. FUCK YOU."
Cut to Wednesday afternoon when I call to get my scripts transfered to a different pharmacy and this fucking P.O.S. has the audacity to add a note to to the fax that says "do not release until July 6, 2009.
You just punched your own ticket habib.
I am so fucking angry right now.
-Olls
I am fucking livid and it's all your fault.
Now to the back story...
Last Thursday I visited with the dr. and got a bump in my prescriptions. Being as I am a cash patient and had limited funds I asked the pharmacist to give me a chunk of the script now and I would come back in on Tuesday when I got my paycheck.
So I go in last night to get the remainder of my prescription and this fucking piece of shit camel fucker (no racism) decides that because I am "back too soon" he is not going to give me what is rightfully mine.
I ask, very calmly at first, "what right do you have to tell me when I can and cannot pick up a prescription that was written for me" followed by "the dr. wrote the prescription for a specific amount, please explain to me how me picking them up 5 days apart and all at one time are different".
Fucking jack off pharmacist "sir, I don't care if the dr. wrote the prescription for 2,000 tablets, it is my discretion"...
To which I respond "how does that make sense to you? If I had enough cash on me to get the ENTIRE prescription last Thursday, you would have released the full prescription to me correct? Then why in the fuck would it matter that I had to wait until I got my paycheck to pick up the remainder?"
Jack-off (dumb fucking look on his face) "ummm sir, you'll need to lower your voice".
Ollie: "I am going to beat the shit out of you if I ever see you in the streets"
Jack-off "you're going to need to have your prescriptions transfered out of this pharmacy and stop threatening me"
Ollie: "It's not a threat. FUCK YOU."
Cut to Wednesday afternoon when I call to get my scripts transfered to a different pharmacy and this fucking P.O.S. has the audacity to add a note to to the fax that says "do not release until July 6, 2009.
You just punched your own ticket habib.
I am so fucking angry right now.
-Olls
Monday, June 22, 2009
Fred Works Out
Damn son. TBC was bullshittin on youtube on Saturday morning and found this video.
Holy smokes. The view count on this video is over 1.2 million in 3 days.
I don't know what the fuck the world sees in this kid but damn if he isn't winning in the views department.
Some of his other videos have over 6 million views.
Really humbles me. I mean, here I am writing this amazing blog, giving the world every bit of news they could EVER possibly need and my total views doesnt touch single hour's worth of hits for this little maggot Fred.
Bitter hatred. Fred must die.
-Sourpuss Ollie
Thursday, June 18, 2009
One Question: Why??
You tell me cause I sure as hell can't call it.
What fetish is this? It has to be some good ol' boys down south that want to see heavy set middle aged woman thrashin hoopties...
Who knew?
-Olls
Friday, June 12, 2009
Repost: Am I the only one who sees the resemblance?
So normally i stray away from goin at other bloggers, especially ones that get like a million hits a day, but i couldnt help but notice this and thought i'd throw it out there to see if anyone else is seein' it...
I mean seriously, Perez Hilton and Harry Henderson look like brothers dog. Need more proof??
peep those doggies homie he "could catch a salmon swimmin upstream with those eagles claws"...
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAlllover
I mean seriously, Perez Hilton and Harry Henderson look like brothers dog. Need more proof??
peep those doggies homie he "could catch a salmon swimmin upstream with those eagles claws"...
-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAlllover
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Spencer Pratt: The Rapper
By now you have all heard that Spencer Pratt has decided to run with his fame and parlay it into a rap career, and if you haven't then Fuck You.
Here's the video of this goon doin his thug-thizzle:
What a creepy flesh colored beard.
I gotta give it up to my man tho, he sticks to the script and stays controversial. He knows what keeps his name in the media and he runs with it.
Well played Spence.
-Ollie
Here's the video of this goon doin his thug-thizzle:
What a creepy flesh colored beard.
I gotta give it up to my man tho, he sticks to the script and stays controversial. He knows what keeps his name in the media and he runs with it.
Well played Spence.
-Ollie
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Yes, I Do Realize The Blog Sucks Lately
Look, the sad truth of the matter is that I haven't really been putting in much of an effort to bring the people the heat they are used to from this blog.
I don't have an excuse, all I can say is, I'm lazy and haven't cared much.
On the other hand, I have been trying to build the new site, create a new layout, get everything set up to move over to wordpress for hosting and redirecting the URL so the readers can just type nickelplatedbama.com rather than .blogspot.com or .wordpress.com.
I am working hard, but hardly working all at the same time.
Some good news though:
I got word from Makeshift today that the "No Doze" mixtape should be in mp3 format by the weekend, meaning it will be available for download through this site sometime next week (fingers crossed).
And just because you people have been so loyal, here is a video of pregnant teenagers dancing...
Fucking white people...
Shout to Ignored Prayers for being one of the best blogs on the net.
-Olls
I don't have an excuse, all I can say is, I'm lazy and haven't cared much.
On the other hand, I have been trying to build the new site, create a new layout, get everything set up to move over to wordpress for hosting and redirecting the URL so the readers can just type nickelplatedbama.com rather than .blogspot.com or .wordpress.com.
I am working hard, but hardly working all at the same time.
Some good news though:
I got word from Makeshift today that the "No Doze" mixtape should be in mp3 format by the weekend, meaning it will be available for download through this site sometime next week (fingers crossed).
And just because you people have been so loyal, here is a video of pregnant teenagers dancing...
Fucking white people...
Shout to Ignored Prayers for being one of the best blogs on the net.
-Olls
Another Night Of Drunkeness
"(818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it"
Quotes courtesy of my new favorite website textsfromlastnight.com.
The basic concept behind this site?
People post their random drunk text messages anonymously for the world to read. This is going to be bigger than cigarettes.
Peep some more gems:
"(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping."
"(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!"
"(901): Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks "
This site is great. I could quote shit all day. Moral of the story, go check it out.
-Ollie
(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it"
Quotes courtesy of my new favorite website textsfromlastnight.com.
The basic concept behind this site?
People post their random drunk text messages anonymously for the world to read. This is going to be bigger than cigarettes.
Peep some more gems:
"(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping."
"(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!"
"(901): Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks "
This site is great. I could quote shit all day. Moral of the story, go check it out.
-Ollie
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Gangster's Paradise
I saw this and just had to post it:
I don't really remember what website I jacked the photo from and honestly don't care.
I am blown away.
That's an ice cold casket right there dog.
-Ollie
I don't really remember what website I jacked the photo from and honestly don't care.
I am blown away.
That's an ice cold casket right there dog.
-Ollie
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Great Fight Scenes From India
Ok, so I am sitting at the office clickin' around the web, checkin' what's out there and shit, when the boss comes over and wants to have a chat. So I close down all my open tabs and we bullshit for a good 45 minutes.
The conversation consists of nothing more than him one upping me when explaining his back pain as compared to mine and how he gets more pain killers than me, etc. etc.
When he finally decides to leave, I come back to the computer and open up my browser and for some strange reason, and I am dead serious when I say that I don't know why this happened, but this video is playing. It is so fucking awesome that I had no choice but to share it with the Bama faithful.
How did I end up with that in my browser? I'll never know, but what I do know is that I am very happy I found it. Those moves are spectacular. The end of that video offers up several other "related videos" and out of curiosity I went ahead and clicked on this one...
Oh man.
Why did he wipe the sand in his own eyes?
How is he knockin' these fools out when he is blatantly missing with those huge backflip kicks?
Is that the "little superstar"? Oh yes, I believe it is.
For old times sake, let's run that video of the little superstar...
Upon further inspection, I believe that the last 2 clips are from the same movie. I will be looking into this theory over the next several days and be back with a report for the readers very soon.
These clips make me want to beat the shit out of high school kids.
-Ollie
The conversation consists of nothing more than him one upping me when explaining his back pain as compared to mine and how he gets more pain killers than me, etc. etc.
When he finally decides to leave, I come back to the computer and open up my browser and for some strange reason, and I am dead serious when I say that I don't know why this happened, but this video is playing. It is so fucking awesome that I had no choice but to share it with the Bama faithful.
How did I end up with that in my browser? I'll never know, but what I do know is that I am very happy I found it. Those moves are spectacular. The end of that video offers up several other "related videos" and out of curiosity I went ahead and clicked on this one...
Oh man.
Why did he wipe the sand in his own eyes?
How is he knockin' these fools out when he is blatantly missing with those huge backflip kicks?
Is that the "little superstar"? Oh yes, I believe it is.
For old times sake, let's run that video of the little superstar...
Upon further inspection, I believe that the last 2 clips are from the same movie. I will be looking into this theory over the next several days and be back with a report for the readers very soon.
These clips make me want to beat the shit out of high school kids.
-Ollie
Monday, May 4, 2009
Tell Your Mom To Quit Pagin' Me!
That's a down ass bitch rite chea.
I can only imagine how haggard her face is judging by the chest plate. I assume it goes without saying, but "YES, I would". Why? Well, that's a bold fuckin' statement right there tattooed on her titties so I would have no option but to take shorty to court and get the scoop. ya dig??
Shouts to h8torade.com for the scoop on this ridiculous photo.
Short and mean today.
-Ollie
Monday, April 20, 2009
Vodka Soaked Tampons: WTF
Ok, so the story goes like this...
TBC (the ball and chain for the new readers) comes home raving about this wild ass story her boss was telling her about over hearing these kids out in the desert shoving vodka soaked tampons up there yams and backs.
I couldn't fuckin' believe it.
Apparently this shit is big in the streets. I had to do a little research and, well, just watch...
Yes. This is real. This is a legitimate phenomenon taking place right here in our country. Young girls have taken to shoving vodka soaked tampons in their most sacred of places to catch a buzz.
Rumor has it, these kids are ingesting booze via their twats and assholes to be able to pass breathalyzers. HAHAHA.
It's these same mouth breathing morons that came up with these ideas of shoving beer bongs in their assholes, and booze drenched tampons in their 'ginas, that would think it would keep them out of hand cuffs when taking a breathalyzer test. As most normal functioning people that have ever had to take a breathalizer would know; breathalyzers don't measure the amount of alcohol on your breath. Rather, they approximate the amount of alcohol flowing through your blood that is passed through the lungs and expelled IN your breath.
For more info, Click Here To Find Out How Stuff Works.
More importantly, I want to address the fact that DUDES ARE STRAIGHT STICKING BEER BONG TUBES UP THERE ASSHOLES. Are you kidding me? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How the fuck was this decision made?
Where was the straight man in this decision making process?
Dude, I can't play along with this anymore. This has got to end. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
-Ollie
TBC (the ball and chain for the new readers) comes home raving about this wild ass story her boss was telling her about over hearing these kids out in the desert shoving vodka soaked tampons up there yams and backs.
I couldn't fuckin' believe it.
Apparently this shit is big in the streets. I had to do a little research and, well, just watch...
Yes. This is real. This is a legitimate phenomenon taking place right here in our country. Young girls have taken to shoving vodka soaked tampons in their most sacred of places to catch a buzz.
Rumor has it, these kids are ingesting booze via their twats and assholes to be able to pass breathalyzers. HAHAHA.
It's these same mouth breathing morons that came up with these ideas of shoving beer bongs in their assholes, and booze drenched tampons in their 'ginas, that would think it would keep them out of hand cuffs when taking a breathalyzer test. As most normal functioning people that have ever had to take a breathalizer would know; breathalyzers don't measure the amount of alcohol on your breath. Rather, they approximate the amount of alcohol flowing through your blood that is passed through the lungs and expelled IN your breath.
For more info, Click Here To Find Out How Stuff Works.
More importantly, I want to address the fact that DUDES ARE STRAIGHT STICKING BEER BONG TUBES UP THERE ASSHOLES. Are you kidding me? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How the fuck was this decision made?
Where was the straight man in this decision making process?
Dude, I can't play along with this anymore. This has got to end. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
-Ollie
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Dear Hip Hop:
FUCK YOUR SWAGGER.
Sincerely,
Young Ollie Da Don.
Also, Fuck Tyler Hansborough. He is the most awkward shooter/rebounder/all around basketball player I have ever seen. Look at this FLOP in super slow mo...
HAHAHA. My man Luke didn't come within 6 inches of Psycho-T.
Dude is going to be the biggest BUST since Sean Bradley when he hits the NBA.
While I'm at it, why is Scottie Reynolds (Villanova) spending so much time on the bench?
Big ups to Michigan State shittin on UConn. Your boy Ollie called that one. You're welcome BAMA faithful.
-Ollie
Sincerely,
Young Ollie Da Don.
Also, Fuck Tyler Hansborough. He is the most awkward shooter/rebounder/all around basketball player I have ever seen. Look at this FLOP in super slow mo...
HAHAHA. My man Luke didn't come within 6 inches of Psycho-T.
Dude is going to be the biggest BUST since Sean Bradley when he hits the NBA.
While I'm at it, why is Scottie Reynolds (Villanova) spending so much time on the bench?
Big ups to Michigan State shittin on UConn. Your boy Ollie called that one. You're welcome BAMA faithful.
-Ollie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)