Monday, July 13, 2009

Things That Kill Me pt. 3

Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.

Part 1 Click Here

Part 1 Click Here

Now, on with the show.

Things that kill me pt. 3:

1. Eek-A-Mouse

I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.

2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs



Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.

3. Feminists


I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:


and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.

4. Female Child Actors


God I hate you.

5. Audience participation.

Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.

6. Men with pony tails.




7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.

Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.

8. My Friends.

Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.

I love you guys.

9. Deflating an air mattress.

You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.

10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.


But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.

11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.

I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.

12. Condoms.


Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.

13. Patent leather shoes.


Yep. You look like a DICK.

14. Denim Shorts.


Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.

15. Biting my tongue.

Self explanatory

16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.

FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.

Last (for now) but certainly not least...

17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.

I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.

That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.


Anonymous said...

suck it, bitch.

love you too.

- your friend

Kristen said...

I am completely on board with the male ponytails are stupid facial hair. Except instead of "dick", to me it screams "douche"!

El Capitán said...

haven't rocked denim shorts since 97

williedynamite said...

Pretty funny stuff but I gotta disagree eek a mouse is the shit.

hate 90% of reggae what about Bob marley? Nobody hates Bob.

Oliver said...

youre right willieD, I dont hate Bob Marley, but I hate his 37 kids all trying to revive the spirit of their father.

JMACK said...

i fucking hate old people that insist on driving. Get euthanized!