Random Thoughts and a New Shitlist

Fuck, it's been a minute since I've cracked away on the ol' keyboard. What can I say? I've been bored, Hip Hop is of no interest to me, and that's supposed to be the life-blood of this blog. Fuggit, were switchin' it up for a minute...

It's been 12 years in the making, but I finally got the english bulldog I've always wanted. His name: Lord Sebastian Von Eldrich, Duke of Le Cross. Call him what you want, just don't call him late for dinner...

The Shitlist revisited:

1. Stepping in dog shit barefooted in the middle of the night, and having to wash that foot off in cold water cause you don't want to wait for the water to heat up, as you were obviously sleeping, and wish more than anything to get back to sleep.

2. The last 3 Jay-Z albums. I was, at one point, one of the biggest Jay stans around, Smalls took over that title, and he can try all he wants but he will not sway me on this position.

3. New jack bloggers, biting other people's shit.

4. Unemployment, shit was fun for like, 2 weeks, now I need federals to do things, such as feed the Lord...

5. Debt/Bein broke. Some people love the life of being a mooch, I personally can't fuckin stand it and it hurts my soul to ask to borrow money.

6. Selling the Jeep. Personal friends are the only ones who get this. I won't elaborate anymore, just suffice it to say that the jeep is on the chopping block after 10 long years of blood, sweat, and tears.

7. Ex girlfriends and their punk ass boyfriends. You know where to find me, cowards, and if you don't, just ask.

8. People suggesting what I should write about, if I wanted to write about "your" idea, I would have already done so. Please, by all means, start a blog and write your feelings down, I'm sure 3 people would love to read it..

9. Pandora.com not getting the hint when I press the "dont like" button.

10. Holiday music.

11. Walking into a store that is ALREADY playing Jingle Bells, I swear to god if I worked retail I would kill someone after about 3 hours of that christmas music loop.

12. Festive people. Fuckin die. Halloween is the only holiday worth celebrating, otherwise, just give me gifts and STFU.

13. Text wars. More importantly, having day long conversations/arguements of no consequence whatsoever.

14. Annonymous hatred in the comments section. Blow me. Cowards.

15. No health insurance.

16. 90% of the world.

17. Justin Bieber. Limit 1 per customer on his doll. Get the FUCK OUTTA HERE.

18. That annoying little fucker "Fred" from youtube having his own doll at toys R us.

19. Falling on my skateboard on a busy street and crushing my elbow at 27 years old.

20. Being held accountable for any action I choose to make. No, I am now, what i was 3 years ago, and have no plans of changing that.

That oughta hold you over for the day.

Ollie loves you. Bitch.

P.S. I still fuckin hate Joe Rogan more than most other humans... more on that later.

P.S.S. I can't believe I didn't watch the first season of Jersey Shore. God those guys are disturbingly entertaining.

-Ollie da G.O.D.

Juno in Five Years?

Ha.

And just for kicks, cause I got it cued up, check out this awesome .gif I stumbled onto months ago and forgot until today...



-Olls

Is This What You Call Tact??

2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.

If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...

It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?

I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?

First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.

Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.

I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...

#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.

I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.

I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.

I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.

This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...

Some things that are great...

-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.

-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.

-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.

I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.

If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.

Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."

And, were clear.........................

Or are we?

-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith

Do the World a Favor...

... and stop TyPiNg LiKe ThIs. iT iS tHe MoSt AnNoYiNg ThInG oN tHe PlAnEt aNd MaKeS YoU lOoK LiKe a DaMn FoOl.

I always wonder, because the above sentence took me literally a full minute to type, why would ANYONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND go thru the hassle of typing out each letter to create that childlike imagery?

Is there some sort of program out there that automatically generates this type of bufoonery, or do you people literally sit there and press the shift button every other letter?

Fuck.

You belong on the:



I hate you.

-Ollie the Awful

Some People's Children...

I thought that since I am preparing for my departure to Huntington Beach for Agenda and don't have much time to write, I would hit the peoples with some classic "ugly people" photos from my personal collection. I am more than sure that most, if not all, of these photos have definitely been seen by the readers, but FUCK IT, they make me laugh and this is my blog so complain to someone who cares.



















You see how giving I am? I could have kept this for myself and posted each one individually on days when I didn't have anything to blog about, but instead I give it to my peoples. All 9 of you (Welcome back Kristen)...

-Olls

Things That Kill Me pt. 3

Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.

Part 1 Click Here

Part 1 Click Here

Now, on with the show.

Things that kill me pt. 3:

1. Eek-A-Mouse



I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.

2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs





Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.

3. Feminists



I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:



and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.

4. Female Child Actors



God I hate you.

5. Audience participation.

Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.

6. Men with pony tails.





Why?

7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.

Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.

8. My Friends.

Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.

I love you guys.

9. Deflating an air mattress.

You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.

10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.



But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.

11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.

I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.

12. Condoms.



Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.

13. Patent leather shoes.



Yep. You look like a DICK.

14. Denim Shorts.



Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.

15. Biting my tongue.

Self explanatory

16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.

FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.

Last (for now) but certainly not least...

17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.

I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.

That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.

White People Ruin Everything

Remember this dumb ass bird from way back when??



Ok, everybody together now, tell us how you really feel...



Yep. That's it. We got her.

-Ollie

A Message to the Self Entitled Jerk-Off Pharmacist at Rite-Aid:

I have no fucking idea why you think that your punk ass degree is more valuable than the degree my doctor achieved to practice medicine, but you do, and I hate everything about you. I am so tired of you putting your fat foreign nose in my business every fucking time I try to get a refill. My doctor has no issues with my medications, but somehow your community college certificate of completion gives you the power/right to override my dr.'s reccomendations. Trying to flex the small bit of power you have over me does nothing but make me want to severely hurt you. I swear on everything I find holy (i.e. TBC, thick white women, Cubs' baseball, etc.) if I ever see you in the streets, you are getting destroyed. I am so mad right now I could spit nails, and you best believe I will be carrying this grudge around with me until such time as the problem is solved.

I am fucking livid and it's all your fault.

Now to the back story...

Last Thursday I visited with the dr. and got a bump in my prescriptions. Being as I am a cash patient and had limited funds I asked the pharmacist to give me a chunk of the script now and I would come back in on Tuesday when I got my paycheck.

So I go in last night to get the remainder of my prescription and this fucking piece of shit camel fucker (no racism) decides that because I am "back too soon" he is not going to give me what is rightfully mine.

I ask, very calmly at first, "what right do you have to tell me when I can and cannot pick up a prescription that was written for me" followed by "the dr. wrote the prescription for a specific amount, please explain to me how me picking them up 5 days apart and all at one time are different".

Fucking jack off pharmacist "sir, I don't care if the dr. wrote the prescription for 2,000 tablets, it is my discretion"...

To which I respond "how does that make sense to you? If I had enough cash on me to get the ENTIRE prescription last Thursday, you would have released the full prescription to me correct? Then why in the fuck would it matter that I had to wait until I got my paycheck to pick up the remainder?"

Jack-off (dumb fucking look on his face) "ummm sir, you'll need to lower your voice".

Ollie: "I am going to beat the shit out of you if I ever see you in the streets"

Jack-off "you're going to need to have your prescriptions transfered out of this pharmacy and stop threatening me"

Ollie: "It's not a threat. FUCK YOU."

Cut to Wednesday afternoon when I call to get my scripts transfered to a different pharmacy and this fucking P.O.S. has the audacity to add a note to to the fax that says "do not release until July 6, 2009.

You just punched your own ticket habib.

I am so fucking angry right now.

-Olls

I'm Bored

The only thing anyone in the world seems to care about is the death of Michael Jackson.

I know I said I wouldn't be discussing it anymore but some new stuff has come to light.

People are commiting suicide over this "tragedy". Seriously. TMZ or some other stupid website reported that there have been at least 12 confirmed deaths by suicide since the king of pop bit the dust.

What the hell people?

Also, there is supposed to be an open casket viewing of the body, OPEN TO THE PUBLIC on Friday July 3rd, 2009.

At least I got that going for me.

-Olls

One Question: Why??

You tell me cause I sure as hell can't call it.

What fetish is this? It has to be some good ol' boys down south that want to see heavy set middle aged woman thrashin hoopties...

Who knew?

-Olls

The Kids Reactions

I have watched this video 37 times now. That ramp is crazy sturdy!!

-Olls

Roll Ya Neck

To quote the very first comment on WorldStarHipHop:

"This the gayest dance on earth"...

couldn't have said it better myself.

Quit dancin' and start thuggin...

-Olls

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Damn, homey got so played out. He's straight sleepin son.

P.S. did you hear all those bones break? My God.

-Ollie

Spencer Pratt: The Rapper

By now you have all heard that Spencer Pratt has decided to run with his fame and parlay it into a rap career, and if you haven't then Fuck You.

Here's the video of this goon doin his thug-thizzle:



What a creepy flesh colored beard.

I gotta give it up to my man tho, he sticks to the script and stays controversial. He knows what keeps his name in the media and he runs with it.

Well played Spence.

-Ollie

Another Night Of Drunkeness

"(818): Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
(714): Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
(818): Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it"

Quotes courtesy of my new favorite website textsfromlastnight.com.

The basic concept behind this site?

People post their random drunk text messages anonymously for the world to read. This is going to be bigger than cigarettes.

Peep some more gems:

"(281): ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
(214): Your grandmother is in heaven weeping."


"(416): Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!"


"(901): Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks "


This site is great. I could quote shit all day. Moral of the story, go check it out.

-Ollie

Wolverine Will Rock Your Shit

Homemade Real Wolverine Like Claws X-Men - These bloopers are hilarious

Pure, unadulterated badassness.

Watch out cardboard boxes, home made Wolverine is comin' for that ass.

On a serious note though, the mechanical workings of those claws are pretty tech. Props to the guy for building em. Unfortunately, his mechanical skills will forever be overshadowed by this video of him whoopin' some serious cardboard ass.

He should take it to those DB's from Cardboard Robot. hahaha.

-Ollie the Shredder

Tell Your Mom To Quit Pagin' Me!

That's a down ass bitch rite chea.

I can only imagine how haggard her face is judging by the chest plate. I assume it goes without saying, but "YES, I would". Why? Well, that's a bold fuckin' statement right there tattooed on her titties so I would have no option but to take shorty to court and get the scoop. ya dig??

Shouts to h8torade.com for the scoop on this ridiculous photo.

Short and mean today.

-Ollie

Sorry Kiddies

Internet connection is wack, keep losing my posts.

Uncle Ollie is taking care of the sick nephew.

My knee is REEEEALLLY fucked up right now. Doctor recommended an X-Ray, but the paper is low, hopefully this isn't permanent. I've got some photos of the injury to post later.

It's been slow going, all apologies buckaroos. I will get my shit together and rock some new hot shit tomorrow.

NPB is the new AA. Just keep coming back... HAHA.

-Olllllls

Twitter As A Status Symbol

This will be a quick post.

I think it's funny that people are seriously concerned with their following/follower ratios.

I follow at least 1,000 more people than follow me.

It matters so little to me that I honestly can't believe I am making this post.

Incidentally, if you would like to follow me and read my rants in real time, you can by Clicking Here.

-Ollie

Twitter Quote Of The Day:

"I hope you tight jean wearin kats try to run some where and catch fire from the friction".

Courtesy of BigVon on Twitter.

HAHAHAHA!

Check the homie at BigVon.com Coming Soon.

On another note, I'm watching the PGA tour right now and some idiot in the gala (audience for you non golfing creightons) got his skull tattooed courtesy of a shanked tee shot from Retief Goosen. LOL.

Arnold Palmer's response: "tsst. Oh my goodness gracious".

I am still laughing out loud.

Other people's misfortune = My bread and butter.

OH YEAH can I just send a HUGE shout out to the homie Knowledge from ANATOMY BLOG. Dude is nice with the words and holding the BAMA down realllll firm. Big things to come with the Ollie/Knowledge Collabo.

Watch out.

***Update on dude who got smashed by the golf ball***

Huge fuckin lump on his temple. Retief Goosen shook his hand and walked away. Fuckin' icicle. LOL.

I'd be like "Thanks alot for fuckin up my shot jerk off".

-Ollie