Is This What You Call Tact??

2 week layover. Your boy has been straight M.I.A. Haven't done anything noteworthy in that time. Unless of course you count allowing ol' what's her name to penetrate the defenses and metaphorically crush my spirit against my will. But that shit is all over and done with now. Brand new day and a brand new lease on life.

If you all remember correctly, back on January 1, 2009 I made a vow to not make any more apologies for any of my actions ever again. That, obviously, did not work out, as I have spent the last 9 months of my life constantly apologizing for shit I can't honestly say I was ever really apologetic for. It's poetic really. Think about it...

It's just what anyone would do. You focus all of your efforts onto a single project, whether it be your blog, your job, or, in this case, my relationship, and then, when it all hits the proverbial "fan" you're left wondering what the fuck just happened?

I guess it goes without saying, but with my inability to leave things left unsaid, I'm gonna jump up here on my soapbox and spit venom in the form of words to any and all that have done me wrong in the last year. What? You thought you were going to get a pass?

First and foremost, the city of San Francisco, and more importantly that certain NOBODY that, to this day, remains nameless. Fuck you and your whole existence. I'd like to blame you for the tumbling of my castle that I once thought was built of indestructable bricks, but recently realized that shit was paper thin, but the sad truth of the matter is that you were just an innocent pawn in someone else's grand facade. Keep livin' that dream.

Next up on the list... Aww Fuck it. It isn't even worth it anymore. I will not give you the satisfaction of knowing any more than you already do, just exactly what you have done.

I teetered on the idea of shutting down this blog due to it's ties monetarily (definitely not emotionally, what, you think you're owed something?) to a certain memory that has long since subsided and passed thru my system like last night's drug binge. And while I am on the subject of drugs...

#2 Fuck drugs. For real. I've made a few comments in the past to let on to my love for certain substances. For legal and medical reasons, I will not be divulging any more details about my past, current, or future struggles with this specific demon. Suffice it to say, if there was any ONE thing to blame for my current lethargic state and utter lack of motivation, you, my little friend(s?) would not be stricken from the list of catalysts.

I have stayed stagnant for far too long. My pessimistic outlook on life, while at times entertaining, has traversed the lines of comedic necessary evil, and entered into the realm of absolute control.

I'm tired tho. Like, for real, tired of being satisfied with mediocrity. Things have always come so easy for me that I have completely forgotten what it was like to struggle. You showed me that. So I guess if there was one thing I could be thankful to you for giving me, that would be it. You showed me what it was like to be miserable again. You showed me what self loathing REALLY is. "All Hail The Heartbreaker" HAHA.

I have slowly made the transition from what I wanted to be, to not even recognizing the person looking back at me in the mirror. I haven't been "happy" (who decides what happy is anymore anyway) for quite some time. With OR without you. I'll tell you where my happiness comes from now... or shit, maybe I won't cause I honestly couldn't tell you anymore. I know what doesn't work for me tho, and that's all that really counts today.

This post isn't all about "THAT" tho. It's also about "THIS"...

Some things that are great...

-Hope. The name says it all and it is quite fitting what that entails.

-Progress. No matter how much I stumble, I will ALWAYS bounce back and be better the next time.

-Freedom. Out from under the thumb of life.

I am absolutely sure that by now you are all just as confused as I was when I started this rant. Just know that that is to be expected. If you get it, then you're on the inside, if this was lost on you, well I'm sure you could check the archives for something a bit more your speed.

If you came here looking for tits and comedy today, all apologies for letting you down. The path back to greatness is long an narrow, but I'm on it, so I'll be keeping my peoples (if you're in, you know it) up on all the hottest shit just as soon as I get my shit situated and my head back facing forward.

Quote of the week "Is this what you call tact? I swear you are as subtle as a brick to the small of my back."

And, were clear.........................

Or are we?

-Kevin "I'm not Ollie when I'm real" Smith

The World According to Ollie:

Fair warning: This post will not consist of many photos. In fact, there probably won't be any at all. To tell the truth, this is going to be a long, drawn out series of words strung together with no real direction or general theme. Things on my mind, shit i hate, where I've been, why I haven't been posting, all of that will be discussed...

Now.

1. Where have you been?

There is no real answer to that question. I've been in one of the following three places:

1. My bed. Tempurpedic mattress top is better than sex. I've been logging some serious hours in my bed. More than I ever have previously in my life. The dungeon that I dwell in is now more affectionately being refered to as simply, "The Cave". But why young Ollie da boss tycoon? Why have you been spending so much time in your beloved bed? Because, fuck it, that's why.

** Side note ** After heavy deliberation and discussion with the few people in the world whose opinion's matter to me, I have decided to be fully open and honest about my current status in the world. TBC and YBO (that's "your boy ollie" for the uninitiated) decided to take some time off. Most of my drive to write came from the overwhelming confidence I drew from being in a monogomous relationship, but once that got cashed in, I've kinda been a little less driven to write, and even less egotistical than normal... That's all I am going to say about that...

2. Work. I am here roughly 10% more than I am in my bed. This is a great job, but in all seriousness, I really just want to fuckin hate it. It's mundane. It's repetitive. It's boring and unfulfilling. But it's awesome. What other job in the world would allow me as much internet time as I get, and pay me a decent wage, keep the A/C at a very unreasonable 70 degrees all day, and kick down with health insurance and not drug test? Answer: Very few. So as much as I want to just up and walk out of this place just to stir some shit up and break up the day a bit, I don't cause I would be a fucking moron to leave this gig. Seriously.

3. Lurking at your favorite girl's pad. Self explanatory and completely fabricated, but to say that I have been spending all of my time in bed or at work would be too depressing, even for the most bitter of haters.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shit I hate: Fucking Everything.

Yep. I still fucking hate everything. Anything that brings you joy, brings me down. I want to punch your stupid child in the face. I want to step on your kittens. I want to snatch the life right out of your self entitled body..

I still love puppies tho..

Back to the hate...

1. I FUCKING HATE drunk people when I'm not drinking. Man, there is literally NOTHING worse than slobbering idiots hangin and drooling all over me when I haven't had any libations and you motherfuckers want to carry on some sort of intelligent conversation with me. Let's get real, you are stupid to begin with, the booze does not help this. In fact, it makes you even less my equal. I already dislike you, don't force me to punch you in the nose to prove my point. Back the fuck up. What part of the brain sends out the message to your body that requires you to be 7 times louder than normal, and 10 times closer to me to talk? BACK THE FUCK UP. I can't take this shit.

2. I hate starting shit and not finishing it. I currently have at least 3 paintings "in the works", but I haven't touched a single one of them in over a month. They sit in the corner of my room collecting dust mocking me, acting as a constant reminder of my incredible lack of drive. It's pathetic. Get your shit together.

**Side Note** Any interest in original works on canvas from yours truly? trades welcome. Willing to consider most negotiable things of value, including, but not limited to: fishing tackle, 12" vinyl, 8-track players and tapes, Boomboxes (working or not), stuffed animal carcasses, bear rugs and other forms of animal home decor, WWF wrestling videos (VHS or DVD), a motorolla brick (as you guppies might call it, "the zach morris cell phone"), ninja weapons, drugs, cash, phone cards, human souls, even large quantities of grape soda. Holler at your boy on the low, nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

***EXTRA SPECIAL OFFER. ONE TIME ONLY.*** Anyone willing to burn their Raiders or St. Louis Cardinals jerseys can have their pick of anything I have painted to date...

All of the above offers are of course only valid if I ever actually finish a fucking painting.

3. Obama. Look, I didn't like him before his presidency started. I felt like he was really pulling the wool over the American people's eyes and putting on this facade like he was a man of the people but behind closed doors he was really just the purest form of asshole on the planet. Just a real "my shit don't stink" type of cat. Now, I feel like every day in office he gets one step closer to showing his true colors and revealing just how pompous and self-involved he really is. He's got most of the world fooled, but not me. I know he's a prick and it won't be long now until someone catches him slippin and he really fumbles that ball on a public stage and starts goin ICICLE on some unsuspecting white house intern. In fact, if/when that day comes, I can honestly say that I will have a whole new respect and appreciation for all things Obama, cause at least I will know what he's about. We all know how much I love ice cold behavior. I know, I know. But Ollie, you are such a friend to the brothas, how can you hate on Obama so much? Because I don't look at Obama as a brotha. I see him as the president of our country and he needs to be spending more time handling business, and less time guzzling brews on the white house lawn. Of course I like that my president is a smoothed out, beer drinkin', everyday man's man (ahhhnnnt!). What I don't like is that he spends more time being a regular ol' plumber Joe in his jeans and t-shirts than he does governing the United States of America. The solution to the "race war" going on in Boston over a cop arresting a brotha for attempting to break into his own home (which I admit is wiggity wack), is to invite the arresting officer and the "assaulted" man to sit down for a lecture over beers? Come on Obama, you didn't even need to be involved in that. AT ALL. The only reason you got involved is because of the race card that was being played. Eh, I can go on and on about this shit, but when the day ends, Obama is my president, and I respect the man's hustle, but I want to see a little more business and a little less tomfoolery out there in the streets.

4. Lady Gaga is a man? The boys at Eat Me California (a really cool food blog based in Southern California if I'm not mistaken) hipped me to this shit way back when I made the post about how Lady Gaga had the fat ass, but I just dismissed it as another run of the mill Hollywood rumor. But no. This shit is getting real, fast. Apparently Mister Gaga came out on her/his blog saying that it was born as a hermaphrodite and has a small penis and a full on vagina. Are you kidding me yo? Get that shit hacked off and move on. No wonder she dresses like a short bus rider.

5. John Hughes died. That sucks, but he really hasn't done anything impactful in this decade, shit, in this millenium to be perfectly honest so I ain't in tears about it. Big ups to "The Breakfast Club"... "Judd Nelson, he was fucking HARSH". First person to tell me where that quote is from gets a prize.

6. I hate this idiot John Gosselin. He always has the stupidest looks on his face. I ain't gonna front on homie's pimp game tho. He's goin hard on these hoes right out the gate, but I guess when you've been married to easily the biggest bitch in the world of c-list celebrities, you really gotta get out there and put your best pimp foot forward. But yo, on the rizlas player, please stop rockin all that tuurrrrrribble ass Ed Hardy gear. I mean, that shit just makes you look like the world's biggest booger eater. Seriously. No self respecting man on this planet can wear Ed Hardy anymore. That's the rules.

7. After eleven months and 10 days I have started smoking again. This really makes me mad, but fuck it. Everyone's got their vices right?

There's alot more shit that I am hating right now, but my blood is already boiling and I fear that if I continue, I may end up punching right thru my monitor.

So that's that. I feel like I got a lot off my chest, and am now ready to get back on my grind. Sorry again for leaving all you guys hanging for so long. I got my shit back in blog mode and will be working harder than ever to produce quality, original content for the loyal fan base.

-Ollie the Chronic Underachiever

Things That Kill Me pt. 3

Before I get into round 3 of my shit list, I want to give the newer readers a chance to recap the classics.

Part 1 Click Here

Part 1 Click Here

Now, on with the show.

Things that kill me pt. 3:

1. Eek-A-Mouse



I dislike 90% of reggae in general, but this cat really gets on my nerves. I think Eek A Mouse may have been the first reggae I was ever subjected to and could very well be the reason I hate the shit so much. Seriously, listen to that and tell me it doesn't make you want to dive head first into an empty swimming pool.

2. Soul Patches/Ridiculously thin beard trim jobs





Facial hair of this magnitude screams one thing and one thing only: "Hi, I'm a DICK." Fuck you with your razor sharp pencil thin lines and agressive flavor savor. What flavor is it exactly that you are saving? Your boyfriend's ass juice? Get the fuck outta here.

3. Feminists



I don't get it. Women's sufferage took place decades ago but you dumb hoes think your changin the world? You're makin' the women that actually worked for your right to vote look bad by being so aggressively dumb. Just for the record Ashley Judd, No, that is not what a feminist looks like. A feminist looks more like this:



and goes by the name of Chaz. How funny is it tho that half the would be feminist nazi bull dykes out there would rather have dicks. How's that for irony.

4. Female Child Actors



God I hate you.

5. Audience participation.

Listen motherfucker, I paid alot of money to get into this place and I'll be damned if you are going to force me to sing your song for you. More importantly, if you really want to piss me off, try to put me on the spot. Just try it. Yeah I'm talking to you clown at the local fair. Don't heckle me jerk-off. When I walk by, leave me the fuck alone. If I wanted to spend 9 dollars to throw a softball, I would approach you. You think by saying some outlandish comment about my chick you are going to goad me into playing along? WRONG. You are punching your own ticket for catch a beat down. Fuck you. Same goes for you Busta Rhymes. I dont want to put my hands where your eyes could see. I want you to perform.

6. Men with pony tails.





Why?

7. Every one on Earth being a poker expert after watching the W.S.O.P.

Fuck you. You don't know shit. Those free online poker tournaments you enter and take 10th place in mean dick. You have no fucking clue what real poker is but you ramble aimlessly about your "pot odds" when you make awful calls and catch cards. Do you really think people believe you when you sell that story? FUCK OFF.

8. My Friends.

Thats right. For the most part, I hate all of you. You are all just as selfish and miserable as me and you bring me no joy.

I love you guys.

9. Deflating an air mattress.

You can never get all the air out and fit that fucker back in the box. GOD DAMNIT that is frustrating.

10. Assholes that are too cool to dress up for halloween.



But you still want to come to the "costume is mandatory" festivities. You are not clever. You are not cool. You are a dick and everyone hates you.

11. Talking on the phone to old people and/or anyone else under the age of 19.

I love you grandma, but we have nothing in common and nothing to discuss. Same goes for anyone outside of my age range. I cannot relate to anything you have to say so let's not waste eachother's time.

12. Condoms.



Nothing ruins a moment like unwrapping one of these numbing devices.

13. Patent leather shoes.



Yep. You look like a DICK.

14. Denim Shorts.



Especially the above the knee classics sported by your favorite male over 40 construction worker with a pony tail and an relentless affinity for all things Megadeth.

15. Biting my tongue.

Self explanatory

16. Restaurants charging extra for cheese on a hamburger.

FUCK YOU. You are already charging me 9 dollars for a slab of grade D beef and then have the nerve to ask for 1.50 for a slice of cheese? Oh man. I could kill somebody.

Last (for now) but certainly not least...

17. Trying to take my jacket off while I'm in the car stopped at a red light.

I hate playing beat the clock cause you know damn well that you aren't going to win. The faster you try to go, the more tangled you get, the more pissed you are and the less amount of time you have to actually get that awful thing off. Worse than that is knowing you shouldn't have ever put that stupid jacket on in the first place. It's summer, sure it was a bit chilly outside but you're in a car you have no need for a jacket but you put it on anyways. You are an idiot and everyone is staring at you and giggling while you struggle.

That is all for now. As always, more as they come to me.

Michael Jackson Died:

My man Bill (what up Bill?), loyal BAMA reader #9 (I think) out in Colorado hit me with an e-mail stating his disappointment with the lack of content concerning the tragic death of Michael Jackson...

In all seriousness, I had planned on just moving forward and letting the rest of the world pine over this "loss" and never saying a word about it.

However, since I was specifically asked for my take on the situation, here are my sentiments regarding the untimely death of Michael Jackson:

First of all, death sucks. No matter who has died, someone is hurt by their passing. As a result, I will try and sugar coat this to spare feelings for the time being.

Suffice it to say that I was shocked. With Farrah Fawcett dying just hours before M.J. it didn't seem real to me.

With all of that said, I don't really care that Michael Jackson is dead.

I didn't look up to him.

He wasn't a big influence on my life.

Sure, he gave us mad classics in his day, but in all honestly "his day" was well before I was old enough to care about what was/wasn't classic.

By the time I was old enough to concern myself with Michael Jackson, the only tangible things for me to associate with him were his wild ass antics:





***Side Note*** My homie Sherman that lives down south once told me about how he went to Neverland Ranch as a school field trip. Now I'm not saying Sherman got touched, but he is definitely a wierd cat and took the loss of MJ harder than the rest of us. HAHA.



So for me to sit here and say that I am going to miss him, or that I am saddened by his death in any way would be a lie.

I mean, in reality, I don't care becuase I'm a heartless bastard, but more importantly I don't care because it does not effect me personally AT ALL.

Everything good Michael had to offer us musically had already been recorded and released, so the loss of him as an "artist" is unrealistic. The cold truth of the matter is that he was an old man, past his prime, and the stigma of his legal battles would outshine him for the rest of his career.

Furthermore, I want to discuss the general public's reactions to this death.

There seems to be two accepted responses to the death of Michael Jackson.

1. "Fuck him. He was a child molesting sociopath and will be burning in hell."

OR...

2. "Michael was a huge influence on my life. The most important person ever. I don't know how I am going to live without Michael being alive."

Wah-Wah-Waaaaahhhh.

Both of those opinions are stupid and contrived.

#1. FACT: MJ never touched you or anyone you know. He was never convicted. Shit, in all seriousness, he honestly didn't see anything wrong with letting a child sleep in his bed. Now, that may be creepy, but it isn't technically illegal. I wouldn't let my kids sleep with MJ, but that doesn't mean I want him to burn in hell. He was a victim of circumstance. Dude had ZERO childhood. His father was an abusive lunatic. He seriously thought there was nothing wrong with hangin out with a chimpanzee and playing house/doctor with children. Dude was unstable to say the least, but I am not completely convinced that he was the monster that the extremists make him out to be. Don't get it twisted, I am not condoning ANY of Michael's escapades, just saying, for the sake of argument, maybe he wasn't as bad as people made him out to be.

#2. All these "Michael was such an inspiration in my life..." bullshitters. FUCK YOU.

To anyone under the age of say, I'ontknow, 25 (and thats being generous), that says Michael was the reason you were in show business and that you wouldn't be here without him and alladat bullshit, SHUT...THE...FUCK...UP. No one cares. Seriously.

And the white people. Punk rockers. folk singers. etc...



(Yeah I'm talking to/about you John Mayer. You fucking dork.)

you just sound dumb. MJ didn't do anything for you personally. He didn't care if you were alive or dead. Why the fuck do you feel so special or entitled?

What it all boils down to is this:

If you didn't know M.J. personally, you shouldn't be grieving his death. It makes you look like a dick.

Let's let the man die and remember the cool things he gave to us:

The moonwalk was fucking awesome and groudbreaking in it's day:



and these L.A. Gear's were the business. I bet they are fetching a pretty penny on ebay right now.



That is all I have to say regarding this topic and am now closing the vault. I hope that is sufficient.

-Ollie the Heartless

The Burger King "7 Incher"

This new ad campaign for BK has the world at odds because of it's inherent suggestive adult nature.

Big Fucking Deal.

It's not even that cool.

-Olls

Fuck Me Running...

The cold hard fact of the matter is this:

I.Am.LAZY.

Mix that with the fact that I actually had to do real work at the office today and you can begin to see why there were no updates on the blog today.

Never fear. I got a whole stack of shit to write about tomorrow and I promise to do just that.

5 new posts tomorrow or my name isn't Oliver Wrist.

-Hollllliver

Copywrite Is Back

Copywrite is not a fan of Asher Roth. I am a fan of Copywrite. It's fairly obvious to the masses how I feel about Asher Roth.

Dude is caca.



Just for clarification, that's a follow up to the original Asher Roth diss...



Thank you Copy. Thank you.

-Olls

Leighton Meester Sex Tape

Yes, you read that right. But who is Leighton Meester?



Leighton Meester is the sexy little tomcat from the t.v. show "Gossip Girl".

Interestingly enough, I don't watch Gossip girl. I mean, I watch every other teenage angst ridden, 30 year olds playing high school kids, bullshit drama on television but the one with this hot little piece is the one I've been missing.

Peep the tail game (is there a tail game?)...



The rumors about the tape are that there isnt really any balls deep penetration happening here but she is naked a good chunk of the time (with lots of T&A) and then there is several minutes of a footjob?

What is my man thinking? You got one of the hottest little numbers on the market parading around naked for you in all her young glory and you want her to rub her feet on your dick and balls?

Are you kidding me dude?

Here's the "cover" for the tape that homie is shopping around...



We'll just have to wait til the tape hits the streets to know if that dress up there is an optical illusion of tail.

Trust in your good Uncle Ollie, when the tape hits the web, you will have the links.

-Uncle Ollie the Faithful

Spencer Pratt: The Rapper

By now you have all heard that Spencer Pratt has decided to run with his fame and parlay it into a rap career, and if you haven't then Fuck You.

Here's the video of this goon doin his thug-thizzle:



What a creepy flesh colored beard.

I gotta give it up to my man tho, he sticks to the script and stays controversial. He knows what keeps his name in the media and he runs with it.

Well played Spence.

-Ollie

Naked Guy on a Cross

Listen to that commentary.

"naked guy on cross" "naked guy deficates on cross". HAHA.

The real news video footage...



LMAO at him wiping the shit all over the cross. Now that my friends, is sacrelige.

-Ollie

Awkward Moments: Chris Webber vs. Kenny Smith

I've been noticing this since the beginning of the playoffs but never really decided to mention it until now.

I have come to the conclusion that:

A. Chris Webber does not like Kenny Smith.

B. Chris Webber would put the O.G. official ass whoopin on ol' Ken-dog.

Peep some video evidence of CWebb's thoroughness right here...



Every time Cwebb hits him with the "c'mon man" you can see it in Kenny's eyes. Kenny doesn't know what my man Webber's gonna do. Is he fittin' to ack-a-fool, or is he gonna keep his composure for the sake of television? Cwebb is the wild card. HAHA.

The boys at Us Versus Them get credit for the photo, but here is the patended Chris Webber, "C'mon man" look...

.

I think Kenny Smith knows that Cwebb is a street cat on some Steve Harvey "don't let the suit fool you, i'm from the projects" type shit. I mean, Cwebb spent MAD years in the bay area gettin hyphy with the likes of Yukmouth and the Luniz.





And while this may very well be the most cat-ass smile I have ever seen, you can still see a glimmer of that crazy eye that Cwebb stays showin cats.

While I'm on the subject Chris Webber and Kenny Smith, what the fuck is up with that new telestrator bullshit toy TNT's got him (Kenny Smith) playin' with. That shit is wack. Biggest waste of time in the history of televised sports analysis.

I just spent 20 minutes lookin' for video of that stupid machine he's using and came up completely dry. If anyone finds it, give me a shout. nickelplatedbama@gmail.com.

Bottom line: Chris Webber is from the "Charles Barkley, hold no punches, kick 'em when they're down" school of philosophy and I can get behind that (no homo).

-Ollie the Analyst

Vodka Soaked Tampons: WTF

Ok, so the story goes like this...

TBC (the ball and chain for the new readers) comes home raving about this wild ass story her boss was telling her about over hearing these kids out in the desert shoving vodka soaked tampons up there yams and backs.

I couldn't fuckin' believe it.

Apparently this shit is big in the streets. I had to do a little research and, well, just watch...



Yes. This is real. This is a legitimate phenomenon taking place right here in our country. Young girls have taken to shoving vodka soaked tampons in their most sacred of places to catch a buzz.

Rumor has it, these kids are ingesting booze via their twats and assholes to be able to pass breathalyzers. HAHAHA.

It's these same mouth breathing morons that came up with these ideas of shoving beer bongs in their assholes, and booze drenched tampons in their 'ginas, that would think it would keep them out of hand cuffs when taking a breathalyzer test. As most normal functioning people that have ever had to take a breathalizer would know; breathalyzers don't measure the amount of alcohol on your breath. Rather, they approximate the amount of alcohol flowing through your blood that is passed through the lungs and expelled IN your breath.

For more info, Click Here To Find Out How Stuff Works.

More importantly, I want to address the fact that DUDES ARE STRAIGHT STICKING BEER BONG TUBES UP THERE ASSHOLES. Are you kidding me? Who/What/Where/When/Why/How the fuck was this decision made?

Where was the straight man in this decision making process?

Dude, I can't play along with this anymore. This has got to end. RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

-Ollie

What The Funk?

Seriously, don't ask how or why I came across this, just know that I did.

How fuckin' wild does this cat look? I don't want to go to hard on homie's pigment (or lack thereof), but let me just say that my dude's sangin' career is going about as far as he is without any sun tan lotion on, which is, to state the obvious, not very far.

Am I the only one who thinks this dude has a striking resemblance to fairly well known underground rapper Krondon??



Yikes. Krondon is straight viscious. Dude scares me. Seriously.

-Ollie

Dear Hip Hop:

FUCK YOUR SWAGGER.

Sincerely,

Young Ollie Da Don.

Also, Fuck Tyler Hansborough. He is the most awkward shooter/rebounder/all around basketball player I have ever seen. Look at this FLOP in super slow mo...



HAHAHA. My man Luke didn't come within 6 inches of Psycho-T.

Dude is going to be the biggest BUST since Sean Bradley when he hits the NBA.

While I'm at it, why is Scottie Reynolds (Villanova) spending so much time on the bench?

Big ups to Michigan State shittin on UConn. Your boy Ollie called that one. You're welcome BAMA faithful.

-Ollie

Cat's Need To Quit Frontin'...

Today's banger: Japcity - Identity Theft



"Gangsters don't have record contracts"...

nuff said.

For the record, the message far exceeds the quality of the music.

-Ollie

Hubert Davis: Bad Prediction

Georgetown is gonna be like a 2 or 3 seed in the fuckin' N.I.T. Good call Hubie!

For the record, Hubert Davis bugs the shit out of me. The guy is without a doubt, ESPN's most boring analyst. I've seen more emotion and facial expressions from the statue of liberty. He is so monotone it makes me cringe.

Did anyone catch that ridiculous 6 overtime Syracuse win last night? If you're a betting man (or woman, I'm fair) take West Virginia and lay the 6.5 points. Syracuse will be running on rubber legs and should be happy to score 50 points tonight. West Virgina is riding the high of that 14 point ass whoopin they threw on Pittsburgh last night. This game should be a cake walk.

Selection Sunday is 2 days away. Once we get all the teams and the seeding, I will be building several brackets and sharing with the BAMA nation. If you think you can beat me, I will give you a free t-shirt.

-Ollie

To The Anonymous Commenter:

Dear BAMA nation,

I officially have my first "hater".

So let me address this situation, to the anonymous commenter on the "workings of the female mind" post:

It is written very plainly on the right hand side of the blog, but I will spell it out for you once again:

"If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character, or, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend, but always, always stop back by tomorrow."

What I failed to mention is that if you do choose to "hate", at least have the balls to do so openly so that I may address you personally.

But since you wish to remain anonymous, I'm quite sorry you find the blog boring. Fortunately for me, there are about 100 daily readers who feel the complete opposite.

I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to tell me how boring my blog is though. Now I have inspiration to step my game up. I've been slackin a little lately anyways.

To the rest of you people who read this blog everyday and don't like it, well, all I can say is; thanks for adding to my hit count.

LOVE,

-Ollie

Throwback Thursday: Mr. Perfect

You know how some things just require background music? Well this is one of those times. Press play before reading on...



Fact: I was obsessed with WWF wrestling from 1989-1993 and then for a little while roundabout 1996 when the N.W.O. angle kicked in.

Fact: I have gone on record on more than one occasion and claimed Bret "The Hitman" Hart as my all time favorite wrestler in the history of the WWF. That is 100% true. I will never deny that. EVER.

Fact: Except for a select few, I almost always root for the bad guy. The villain. The guy that sticks his hand out for you to slap and then pulls the "too slow" move on you. The dick. The heel.

Fact: Mr. Perfect was the all time greatest "bad guy" in WWF history.

Lets run down the credentials...

The "Perfect" entrance music? Check.

Swagger? Check.

Bravado? Check.

Best name ever? Check.

Ties to goons and "bad" guys? Check.

Intercontinental champion? Check.

Coached by Bobby "The Brain" Heenan? Check.

Awesome finishing move? Check.

This guy had some of the best rhetoric of all time. I have spent half of my day looking for classic Mr. Perfect moment's on youtube and can't seem to locate the stuff I wanted to show. But I did find this video from like '99 where he cheats at chess. Just classic asshole behavior from THE classic asshole.



Man this guy was a goon. I just love how everything he did was "perfect". He did that ill entrance move where he threw the towel behind his back and caught it. He would spit his gum in the air and then slap it into the crowd (SO ICEY). I wonder if he ever even considered that the gum could get stuck in someones hair? Or for that matter if he even cared enough to wonder? I am convinced, to this day, that Mr. Perfect was the exact same person out of the ring as in, just a straight up, good old fashioned asshole.

He was great. R.I.P. Mr. Perfect

-Ollie

New Rule: Organic Is Out:

I hate the word "organic".

I hate that people think they are superior to others for eating/drinking "organic".

I hate that an "organic" tomato costs more than a non-"organic" tomato.

I hate that people think that if they do what they should do, they are living an "organic" life.

I hate the idea of being "organic".

What does that even mean? Seriously? CLICK HERE for the Wikipedia definition.

I'll tell you what it means... Its a bunch of blow-hard naturalists and environmentalists filling up the common man's head with this "go green" mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the preservation of our planet, but I will not blindly follow these tree huggin leftist nut jobs off the cliff that they are so willfully pushing the collective heard of sheep known as the human race off of.

Someone has to take a stand. Let that man be me...

Fuck organic. And fuck the people who think that because they "live organically" they are somewhat better than me.

I'll tell you something I know for fact. I had never even heard of "organic" until I got involved in the drug trade. And to all those people who claim to taste the chemicals in the herb, Fuck you, you are full of shit. I have personally handed some extra chemed out tree to the snobbiest of pot snobs and told him it was "organic". He fired up, and without hesitation proceeded to tell me how great "organic" herb tastes.

Moral of the story... the "organic" mindset exists exclusively in your head. If you never heard the term, you would never have been concerned.

When I was a kid, I drank the same milk as I do now. Fuck you tryin to bump the price 2 dollars more a gallon because the shit is "organic". Last I checked we are in a recession.

In fact, I think the "organic" phenomenon is indirectly responsible for this down-trodden economy.

Not really, but you get the point.

I close with this, if you step to me to tell me something is good because it is organic, 1, if not both of the following 2 things is going to happen...

A) You will be laughed at and ridiculed.

B) You will be slapped, then laughed at, then ridiculed.

Fuck Organic, live savagely.

-Ollie the Conqueror

Things That Kill Me: Part 2

Most newcomers to this blog are not familiar with my hatred for Joe Rogan. In fact, my first ever post was dedicated to the slandering of that useless fucking cokehead. So in a sense, I guess you could say this blog started out as an anti Joe Rogan site and blossomed into this sensational grouping of words you have all come to know and love. I spend more time than is neccessary or reasonable bitching about the shit that people say/do that pisses me off. I made a preliminary LIST a couple months back, and at this time, I plan to add several other things that kill me to that list.

In case you missed that hotlink above, you can CLICK HERE for the first posting of "things that kill me".

I'm just gonna get right into it.

1. I fucking hate other people's children:



Yeah, I said it. I really hate other people's kids. Shit, I don't even have any of my own (technically) but the ones I am involved with on a daily basis drive me nuts. More importantly, I hate the way other people choose to discipline their children. When I see 2 year old little brats calling the shots and the parents defending the child's behavior rather than slappin the shit out of them, it drives me up the fucking wall. I feel like I need to get in there and set the kid straight for the parent's sake. Here this now, if and when I do actually have children of my own, they will, if nothing else, be respectful. My kid gets out of line, they will get one warning, cross me again, SMMAACCCCK! and a time out. Unless my kid turns out to be one of those real "bebe's kids" type a muhfucka. You know, the kid that runs over and kicks over other kid's sand castles on the beach, pees on the sleeping old lady, throws his ice cream in the toilet rather than share it with his siblings type of brats. Yeah, That kid. I would prolly have to encourage that kind of behavior. That shit can't be taught, it just comes naturally. HAHA.

2. Dave Matthews/Jason Mraz/John Mayer/Gavin Degraw/Every other white folky pop rip off artist.



I hate these whiny little bitches. They all sound the same. They all have terribly annoying voices. They are all minor talents that somehow got some shine on college radio and adopted a legion of female fans. Fuck you.

3. Headaches.

4. Running out of pills. I have a pretty steady habit of consuming xanax and hydrocodone, and when I run out and can't find anymore I get really on edge.

5. Jack In The Box terryaki bowls. Why? Seriously Jack, why do you need to include a terryaki bowl on your menu? You don't see the chinese joint in the mall slangin hamburgers and fries do you? Thats just stupid.

6. The fags that run Cardboard Robot.

7. People that talk while I'm tryin to watch a movie. Not you TBC. The occasional question is ok, but to blatantly just start spewing excrement from the lips in the form of verbal diarrhea in the middle of a movie, and then not get the point when I stare into your eyes with the look of pure disgust, you people should all be thrown from airplanes without parachutes.

8. Slow Computers.

9. Insomnia.

10. Gabriel Iglesias/Carlos Mencia/George Lopez/Mexican comedians in general.



On the contrary, you are quite fat. You're not funny. I dont care about how big your family is. I don't care about your ties to Mexico. I dont care about your references to selling/picking oranges. I just dont care about you at all. Please. Stop. Now.

11. Organized Religion. I really hate pushy christian/mormon/jehova's witness church people. Listen, if I was interested in hearing your views on the world I would kill myself. I have no use for people that insist on pushing their beliefs onto me like I need saving. I am quite aware that I am going to hell, it doesn't really bother me. Thanks for your concern, now go heal a wounded seal while I laugh hysterically at retarded people and fat girls.

12. Cats and Cat People.



I fucking hate cats. I hate cat owners. Well, not all of them, but anyone who has more than 3 cats I can all but guarantee 2 things: 1) They live alone and 2) Their house smells awful, which in turn means they smell awful, and if you remember on the previous list, body odor really irks me.

13. Steelers fans.



Yeah, we all saw the Steelers win the super bowl. So what, you didn't win the super bowl so quit saying "we" as if you had something to do with that teams success.

14. Dane Cook/Dane Cook Stand Up/Dane Cook Movies/Dane Cook's acne. Enough said.

Thats it for now. More as they come.

-Ollie the hated