Yo, I've had my eye on ms. Lohan for like 5 years now. I know she has seen her share of ups and downs (more downs than ups tho), but when she needs to, she can still bring that sexy.
is it wrong that my favorite part of this picture is the cigarette?
She is still defying all laws of nature. Skinny white girl with red hair but humongous tits? That's like finding a pink striped zebra indigenous to the metropolitan Detroit area...
P.S. Am I the only one still prayin for that sex tape?
Every hot chick on the planet gets hit with that stigma at least once when they are at their peak.
Remember Ciara? She was supposedly a man.
Lady Gaga? While she may not be hot, or even attractive in the face at all, you can be damn sure she has that fat ass REMEMBER??
Anyways, back to the point. Some idiot from some no name, god-awful News Source is claiming that Megan Fox was born a man.
The story goes on to say, and I quote:
"Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee. From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing. When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit. By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’. Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time. As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense. Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors."
WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??
This is worse than most National Enquirer stories I have ever heard of.
Am I really supposed to believe that this:
is anything less than top 3 hottest women on the globe right now? (Spots one and two are reserved for TBC and Kate Beckinsale respectively.)
What a bullshit fabricated story, but it gave me a reason to put up some Megon Fox flicks (that I have actually never done in the history of this blog) so thanks!
A few more to help cool the burn...
Even tho there is no real tail to speak of, I still appreciate the effort.
So I'm making my normal rounds on the web, checking out random celebrity gossip sites when I stumble onto these photos of long time favorite Jessica Biel outside the studios of "The Late Show" or some shit:
What the fuck happened Jessica? I mean seriously, just last year you looked like this:
I am gonna go with bad wardrobe decision on this one, but a memo to J Beezy, homegirl, you better double up on the squats/lunges/thrusts. Just last year you were in the running for baddest white chick in the game and now you're rockin the square tail, pancake spongebob special.
I know the boys Brock and Lake from Us Versus Them will be chiming in on this one.
So what do the rest of the 6 readers of this blog think? Is Jessica losing the tail piece?
And still, I am not all that intrigued by the NBA playoffs. Granted, these playoffs have shaped up to be a bit more compelling than previous years, but nonetheless, the wrong teams are winning.
I think it is fair to assume that 90% of the world (the other 10% are Nuggets or Magic fans) wants to see a Lebron James vs. Kobe Bryant final. I know I do. So with the Cavs currently down 3-1 in their showdown with the Magic, and the Lakers knotted up at 2-2 against the Nuggets, the world is starting to worry about not getting what they want.
Here is a brief recap of the Cleveland/Orlando series in picture form...
Lebron, you need to be doing alot more of this...
and alot less of this...
Meanwhile, this guy...
has been doing nothing but this...
and the rest of the Cavaliers squad has been gettin served by a cat that looks like this...
HAHA. Flat out unacceptable. All I can say about this series is that Cleveland's running over of those weak ass 7/8 seeds in the first 2 rounds proves one thing...
Man, that shit is classic. Pure. Raw. Emotion.
Now to the Lakers/Nuggets series. I can't figure this shit out. Trying to bet this series has been nothing but pain for me, so I am going to take a different route to find out who ultimately will be the winner of this series.
Lets take it to the stars of their respective teams and their wives.
First up we have power couple (barf) Carmelo Anthony and Lala Vasquez (of MTV fame?).
Why does Carmelo insist on wearing those god awful bucket caps?
I can't front, Carmelo has been a straight up beast in these playoffs and continually taken it to Kobe every chance he gets.
Those bucket caps are really quite faggy, so several points get deducted right out the gate for wardrobe choices.
Now we get to young 'Melo's piece, the lovely miss LaLa...
Silky smooth skin tone. Chest plate on blast. That "good" hair. Thicker than a snicker, and then you get to the tail piece and it's just.. "eh"...
you see what I'm sayin...
Carmelo gets redemption tho because rumor has it that he was gettin some side cut with one the BAMA's current favorites, ms. Meagan Good.
Go 'head girl...
Everyone knows Kobe's wife is a rider. She took the hit when Kobe caught that rape charge, and she looks good for a mother of 2(?)...
lets see the summertime 2 piece...
I aint mad at that Vanessa.
I think Kobe wins the battle of the wives, but unfortunately I found this photo:
and we asked Lebron what he thought:
Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
Now I know I called the Lakers to win the Western Conference and I'm gonna stick with 'em, but just know that I won't be surprised in the slightest if these Nuggets pull it off.
I know what you're thinking, who? Let me learn ya...
BAM! She is showin it all right out the gate. You see that thin waste that Bruce Leroy jump kicks right into that unreal hip game. I mean god damn, whats that ratio? 24/36? Whew.
Thats a good start, but we need to take a peak at that backyard to see where she makes the money...
And there it is! Holy mother of all things holy, my girl is a hard, HARD worker.
Now that we've established homegirl's credentials, lets just jump head first into the rest of the gratuitous extra curiculur multi-angle photos...
That stomach is just... whew. Yeah, thats the word.
Great arch... but is there more??
That is without a doubt my favorite. I can't explain why, but the glasses are doin it for me. GOOD LAWD.
And one more for good measure...
I see you girl and I'm lovin' that "over the shoulder, peepin my own tail cause it's so crazy" gaze you're throwin at me.
And you know with a name like Laura Dore, you can run with the whole "white girl with a booty" idea.
The airbrushers did my girl some serious justice, but until I see proof otherwise, I am going to assume that she is ab-so-fuckin-lutely flawless.
Big shouts to the boys over at Us Versus Them for gettin the drop on this before I could get my grubby little hands on it.
What am I talkin' about? You're just dyin' right now aren't ya?
Hoopz ya'll, I'm talkin bout Hoopz.
Word hit the streets (internet) a little over 48 hours ago that there is in fact a "Hoopz" SEX TAPE signed, sealed, and waiting to be delivered to the loyal crowd of sinfully degenerate perverts out there.
My man holdin' the keys to said tape is an expert in marketing as well. Peep the screen caps he released to the web as an appetizer.
Man oh man. first Cassie, then Rihanna, and now my all time favorite reality star Hoopz?
Thank you. Whoever you are that is responsible for bringin me this never ending supply of celebrity nip and tail, THANK YOU.
Because I love you all so much, here's a little Beyonce camel action.
I know I've been gone for a while, and I have no real excuse other than my lack of drive and work ethic.
I've been recovering from the weekend for 2 days now and I still aint right. The Dr. denied my refill so I've been a real mess as of late.
So basically what I'm saying is; I'm sorry for slackin' but fuck you. Why don't you try writing a blog. Not everyone can do this ya'know. It's hard to be consistently funny and fresh.
Sure, anyone could make some posts every day, but to keep it funky on a regular basis requires alot of personal time, and considering I just got my job back, the personal time graph is looking a little lopsided.
On to the weekend...
Saturday: We had a Luau (lou wow) for my niece out at my mom's crib and I was surrounded by a gang of 10 and under's from about 9:30 a.m. til about 8:30 p.m. (when I passed out). Between those hours I managed to consume a pretty hefty amount of beers and played a shit load of cornhole (no homo).
In celebrity news:
Not to be outdone by Cassie who released several NSFW pics available HERE, HERE, and HERE (yowsers), Rihanna, errr, Chris Brown, or a combination of the two released several NSFW photos of little miss RiRi gettin it right for the summer.
What is up with that ridiculously high waisted 80's thong piece? haaa.
Rihanna lets em know once and for all that all that speculation as to whether or not she's workin' with some tail was nonsense. That's a nice handful, and those titties are right.
If you want to see the rest of the series of NSFW flicks, they are available for you right over HERE, including one of Chris Brown with panties on his head.
Sunday: Every year for the last, I'ontknow 20 or so Young Smalls (my brother) and I attend the Woodlake Rodeo with my mom for Mother's Day. It's what she wants, so we do what is asked of us. In recent years, basically since we've been of legal drinking age it has become a tradition to bring the homies along as well. This year was no different. Knowing damn well how hard I was going to drink, I chose to leave the camera in the car so I only have the following photo(s) from the day, but they capture the essence of how I was feeling quite well if I do say so myself...
With photos like these floatin around on the web, I am bound to be famous by closing time Friday.
I am officially back, and am going to work harder than ever for all of you folks.
Big shouts to everyone who drank with me Saturday or Sunday.
Big shout to Mom Dukes for being the illest giver of life to ever give life to the illest blogger to ever blog.
Now that you're caught up to speed, on to the next post(s).
If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...
Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com
Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?
Who writes NickelPlatedBama?
Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.
What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?
Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.
Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.
When did NickelPlatedBama get started?
Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?
Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?
I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.
See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".
Why?
Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".
How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?
It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.
Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.
Disclaimer:
While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.
