Average Joe Hits the Jackpot

Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.



Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.

**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**

So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?

** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.

Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?


("Yeah, she's with me.")

Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?

Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:



If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.

Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.

Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??



Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.

P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.

-Olls

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Is this who Elton John was talking about in the classic '70's love ballad "Tiny Dancer" that was made famous by everyone's favorite awful movie "Almost Famous"?? Man that movie sucks. It just kills me you know it? I watch it every time it is on the tube and always end up asking myself, Why? Why Olls did you subject yourself to this train wreck. There was a time when I used to think that Kate Hudson was the business back in my younger years, well before I learned about the benefits of the thick white chick and the power moves they were making to take over the internet, er WORLD!!

Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...

Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...



Wow. Just, WOW player.

Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...

A few quick thoughts...

She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.

Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.

I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.

I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.

Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.

-Uncle Ollie

Major Lazer = Pure Savage

If you skipped over that just to get my commentary, go back. You need to watch. There is nothing I can say to explain the magic in this video. Seriously. What the hell was the point?

I'll tell you this, those girls are walkin a very fine line between thick and fat. I definitely wouldn't kick any of 'em outta bed, but I'll be damned if I ever let a chicken jump on my shit like that. Man, that shit was off the hook slice!!!

-Olls

The Classics: White Girl Thickness Revisited

Thats all...

I realize that is an old flick, thus the reason it is going up on throwback thursday, and while I'm at it, a few more certified bangers for the fellas...







Tell me the classics don't hit the spot... Go head.


Ladies, get your squat/lunge game tight for the summertime... But never fear, Uncle Ollie still loves you... All of you.

-Uncle Ollie

Megan Fox is a Man??

Of course!

Every hot chick on the planet gets hit with that stigma at least once when they are at their peak.

Remember Ciara? She was supposedly a man.

Lady Gaga? While she may not be hot, or even attractive in the face at all, you can be damn sure she has that fat ass REMEMBER??

Anyways, back to the point. Some idiot from some no name, god-awful News Source is claiming that Megan Fox was born a man.

The story goes on to say, and I quote:

"Megan Fox was born Mitchell Reed Fox in Rockwood, Tennessee. From an early age, Mitchell showed an interest in both performing and women’s clothing. When having a preacher lay hands on him did not ‘cure’ him of these interests, his parents simply put him on the pageant circuit.
By the age of 13, Mitchell had already started a career as a female child performer called ‘Megan Fox’. Making her debut on an Olsen Twins straight-to-video release, the twins have kept his secret all this time.
As a sweet 16 present, Fox’s parents offered him sexual reassignment surgery, which, given their child’s career, they’d hoped to write off as a business expense. Unfortunately laws prohibit such surgery to be done to minors."

WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT??

This is worse than most National Enquirer stories I have ever heard of.

Am I really supposed to believe that this:



is anything less than top 3 hottest women on the globe right now? (Spots one and two are reserved for TBC and Kate Beckinsale respectively.)

What a bullshit fabricated story, but it gave me a reason to put up some Megon Fox flicks (that I have actually never done in the history of this blog) so thanks!

A few more to help cool the burn...









Even tho there is no real tail to speak of, I still appreciate the effort.

-Uncle Ollie

Unexpected Tail: Kate Beckinsale??

One of the Bamettes hipped me to this the other day. I never gave this chick a second look. I mean, she's fly, but she wasn't packin heat where it counted. Or was she??



That thigh game is ferocious, but is there a tail back there??



You're damn right there's a tail. Is she the new Jessica Biel?



I can't go that far yet. What I can say is this: I have spent an unreasonable amount of time reviewing these photos and I seriously can't seem to find a single thing wrong with Kate Beckinsale. She is as close to flawless as I can find.

Let's review:

Pretty face? Decent chest plate?



Check. Check. Fierce thighs? Smooth stomach?



Check. Check. Tail?



Chiggity Check. Hot euro accent?



Yep. Look out Nelly Furtado, Kate Beckinsale is coming for that #1 spot.

-Uncle Ollie

Whooty Who? Laura Dore is a Worker

I know what you're thinking, who? Let me learn ya...



BAM! She is showin it all right out the gate. You see that thin waste that Bruce Leroy jump kicks right into that unreal hip game. I mean god damn, whats that ratio? 24/36? Whew.

Thats a good start, but we need to take a peak at that backyard to see where she makes the money...



And there it is! Holy mother of all things holy, my girl is a hard, HARD worker.

Now that we've established homegirl's credentials, lets just jump head first into the rest of the gratuitous extra curiculur multi-angle photos...



That stomach is just... whew. Yeah, thats the word.



Great arch... but is there more??



That is without a doubt my favorite. I can't explain why, but the glasses are doin it for me. GOOD LAWD.



And one more for good measure...



I see you girl and I'm lovin' that "over the shoulder, peepin my own tail cause it's so crazy" gaze you're throwin at me.

And you know with a name like Laura Dore, you can run with the whole "white girl with a booty" idea.

The airbrushers did my girl some serious justice, but until I see proof otherwise, I am going to assume that she is ab-so-fuckin-lutely flawless.

-Uncle Ollie

Myspace Of The Day: Jamie O'brien

Cruisin' around on myspace and stumbled onto this chick:



OK, do I have your attention now?

Miss O'brien here is "not a model" she is a "singer". I don't care what she calls herself. She's a slim irish chick (O'brien) and is packin some heat in that backyard.



That's some serious hook and arch game for how slim homegirl is.

I guess it runs in the family:



For someone who isn't a "model" she sure poses alot eh?



Whew. She's doin some work, and thats a work ethic I could get behind.

Meet Jamie O'brien HERE.

-Ollie

Am I Seeing Things??

I have touched on my distaste for Lady Gaga on several occasions over the last several months on this blog. I mean, let's be honest, that music of her's is pure trash and this bitch has a schnauz like Gonzo from the fuckin' Muppet Babies...



Is there really any wonder why she is constantly covering that bad boy up with ridiculously large stunna shades?



HAHA. So you can imagine my surprize when I stumbled onto these joints (below) that revealed an AMAZING tail piece hiding behind that hideous face of hers... Oh you don't believe me do you?



I know what you're thinking, she's poking it out. There's no thickness there right? WRONG!



There couldn't possibly be a close up of that hook/arch game could there?



Are you seeing that hook? Good lawwdd!

Who knew that this broad:



Was packing this kind of heat?



Wow. Color me a believer.

It's a damn shame her face looks like a failed wire hanger abortion and she dresses like a short bus rider because that ass is thick.

Let's examine the J's to see if we have a complete package here (sans that face, cause Dr. 90210's entire staff workin' round the clock couldn't save this chick)...



Well, we won't get ahead of ourselves here.

I have to give ol' girl credit on that tail piece, but I think that's where it stops.

She needs several nose reductions, her eyes brought closer together, and a new stylist (cause that knock-off Bjork shit isn't gettin it done) before she gets official stamp of approval from your boy Ollie, but ladies of the world take heed, Gaga is bringin' some serious heat in the backyard so you better double up on your squats and thrusts.

Damn. I can't stop peepin these joints.

-Ollie

Throwback Thursday BBOTD: Lisa Raye

Everybody remembers Lisa Raye right?



She played "Diamond" in that Ice Cube produced flick "The Player's Club"... Peep some video for recollection purposes only. NSFW.

Lisa Raye - The Players Club
Uploaded by jojoxlt

Sorry... I had to sneak off for a second there... LOL I keeed I keed..

Instead of explaining how dope Lisa Raye was/is I'm gonna let the photos do the talking. Let's get a second angle on that bikini shot...



JEEZUS. Does everyone see that definition between thigh and ass? The inner thigh too... "The lawwwd is my shepid, he know what i wahnt!!"

Yeah, those joints are from the late 90's, so the question we are left asking is: "Does she still got it??"



And the ever so classy "ecentric, self expressing" joint:



CotDamn. That's a bubble. No other way to describe it. The honey bit doesn't do much for me, nor does that awful ass afro, but the thighs line up with that tail so nicely that I can let that bullshit slide.

For the record, Lisa Raye is now 41 and divorced from an abusive husband. Cougar alert. I bet she'd be pretty easy prey after that horrible relationship she just got out of... Food for thought...

-Allofher Wrist

Now That's A Big Bitch!

Fucking white people!



This shit is pure comedy. First of all, did you notice that this cat-ass D-bag is the only white dude in the spot?

Contestant #1: girl did a little work. whatever. I give her a 4 for looks and shear size, and a 4 for the work, for a total of 8 out of a possible 20. She gets a 5 point bonus for taking those ridiculously aggressive pelvic thrusts from your boy though. LMAO at dude pumpin hard with his hands behind his back. Look at ol' girl's eyes at the :26-:28 second mark. HAHA.

SWWWWIIITTTCCCCHHHHH!!!!

Contestant #2: Silky smooth stomach piece? Check. Wild ass hair piece ala natural from love of Ray J? Check. Grindin so hard on homie that he turns into the incredible hulk? LOL check. Seriously, peep homie's roid rage start at the :39 second mark and culminate into pure HULKAMANIA at :46 seconds. OHMYJAH!! Back to shawty, she gets a 6 for looks (the body is right, but that grill is snaggled), and she gets a SOLID 8 for the work, for a grand total of 14 out of a possible 20.

SWWWIIITTTTCCCCHHHH!!!!!

Contestant #3: Thick, but on the verge of obesity. She could still get it, but give her a week's worth of big mac's and it's a wrap. So far she had the prettiest face, the thighs look on swoll, but I'm disappointed in the fact that she is hiding those J's rather than displaying 'em. The work she's doin is weak sauce. I give her a 6 for looks and a 4 for the work. 10 out of 20.

SWWWWWIIITTCCCCHHHH!!!!

Contestant #4: OH HELL NAH. The look on dude's face tells the whole story. Homegirl gets an automatic 5 bonus points for having the nerve to step to the stage in a booty shakin' contest. I give her a 2 in the looks department (I've definitely seen worse) and a 4 for the work. She was tryin but dude kept runnin' away.

The final verdict? Contestant #2 takes it down, but of course I'm biased to a smooth stomach and hip game. If #3 would have let the J's breathe a little she would have walked away with the win. Stupid girls and their need to cover up their titties.

Props to my white brethren for lookin like Dane Cook's retarted stunt double but hangin tough when Andre The Giant stepped to him (twice). HAHA.

-Ollie

This Really Caught Me Off Guard:

First of all, homegirl is crazy thick, like almost too think for my tastes. But then again, as much as I praise the ass and thigh game of some of the games best (i.e. Kimmy K, Jessica Biel, etc.) I don't think a young white brotha like me can really appreciate what the Brazilion ladies are really bringin to the table.

I was seriously caught off guard at the 1:00 mark when the camera panned out and there was a gang of lil' homies (all under the age of like 7-8) just coolin out in the gym watchin ol' girl cut that rug. By the way, that leg kick, slide, stomp, drop, repeat move she was hittin us with for the first minute or so was severely lacking. She really got it good towards the end though.

The best part though?? Go back and cue it up at around the 1:15 mark and just keep your eye on the extra thorough lil' gutter rat in the white tank top. The momentum slowly builds up and then BAM! At the 1:31 mark he is in full pelvic thrust puttin in maaaaad work. CLASSIC! These cats are young and still peepin hoes.

I just gotta know how this came to be? Were these kids on a field trip to the gym? and just so happened to stumple upon this bird dippin low and sweepin the flo' with it? Just a pure stroke of luck? I have never been that lucky in my life... But a guy can hope right?

Right?

-Ollie

Myspace Of The Day

"I dont date, I fuck."

Thats a direct quote from Julie's myspace page.

That shit is priceless, and she looks pretty good, and she lives in Mexico, and she likes to party. I can work with that.



MEET JULIE HERE.

-Ollie

Myspace Of The Day:

I think its pretty well known that I am a serious pervert. So with that in mind please don't read to deep into why i was there, just know that I was.

I was shamelessly adding famous people to my myspace friends list today when it hit me... Who has more time to spend surfing blogs then perverted middle age men? And where is the best source to find these perverted middle aged men on myspace?? YES!! You guessed it, on young porn star's myspace pages.

So I'm checkin out Bree Olson's myspace (who is extra bad by the way):



and I scroll down to the comments section of her page. Not sure why, but I always, always read comments on peoples myspace pages. The nature of curiousity i suppose.

Anyways, I see this quote right here (taken directly, no changes made):

"Bree Olson
Thanks for adding me and you tail you a lote that you very sexy eyes i wish i wake up them every morning..love you thanks for adding me..
John"

At first I assumed that John was middle-eastern or chinese, or at least mildly retarded, so i went ahead and investigated a little further...

CLICK HERE TO MEET JOHN

As of right now, John has not accepted my friend request so I havent had a chance to see any other photos beside his default. But from the looks of that haircut and those ultra thick coke bottle rims, I assume homie is heavily disturbed.

It just goes to show why myspace is so much better than facebook. There is no elitism on myspace. Anyone can be friends with anyone. And that my loyal subjects (all 8 of you) is something I can get behind (no homo). Keep fighting the good fight Tom. And to you Mark Zuckerberg, don't think because you gave me back my friend requesting priviledges that you are off the list. You are still getting slapped on site.

And because the backshot is now required by NPB law:



Enjoy perverts. Incidentally, if you are anything like most people, you are probably wondering what this PYT (pretty young thang) is workin with in the sack. CLICK HERE for a sneak peek. And yes, that is the first time in the history of the BAMA that I linked to a known porn site. Things are really lookin up.

-Ollie

Ass So Fat

That you can see it from the front!!

The ass cleavage in this photo is extra aggressive. and I love it.



The truth of the situation is simple enough. If you can see the tail piece through the thighs, ol' girl is packin some heat. The thighs look right, and even though her head looks like a dirty tennis ball, she is really pretty.

Doesn't homegirl kinda look like Vanessa Minnillo??



Those J's are sittin on dubs and lookin' right too by the way. Man, Nick Lachey is a freak of nature you know that?

Lets take a stroll down memory lane... Remember when Jessica looked like this and was a virgin??



This cat Nick Lachey wifed it, beat those skins, realized how stupid she was and cut with a gang of her money, and now he gets to lay the pipe to Vanessa Minnillo. This guy is a straight up K-Fed. I always wondered how he (Nick Lachey) never got shit on for being a no talent hack that wifed up a pop-star and broke her for her papers the way K-Fed does. Oh well, Nick Lachey made the best decision of his life/career x-in out Jessica, cause ol' girl is on swole patrol and literally one chicken dinner away from obesity:



You see that jelly roll foldin up in her arm-pit? I guarandamtee Jessica is pushin the extra agressive muffin top as well, but those high-waisted jump-offs are keepin it locked up tight.

Big ups to my man Nick Lachey. Who know you were an ice cold pimp that could predict the future??

Ollie did thats who.

-Allofher backfat

Yellow Fever? More Like The Yellow Plague!

Doin what I normally do, wasting away my day bumpin around on the interwebs, lookin at bullshit blogs and adding a ridiculous amount of friends on myspace, and then BAM! I catch this:



Her name is Kana Tsugihara, and according to Kineda.com she is the most viewed asian model on the web or some shit. Yep, my interests are peaked. As most of you do or don't know, I got a jonesin for the asian persuasion like you wouldn't believe. Imagine my surprise when i check the next photo in the set:



WHAT? No way those J's are real. Some of these little cyber dorks are arguing about it on a message board. My thoughts? Who gives a fuck? That chest piece is ferocious.

And for good measure, but only because its required here, the backshot:



And that folks, is where the fantasy ends. No thighs, no calves, no hook, and just the slightest hint of an arch. I'm still looking, for your sake, not mine, for that bad little noodle with the ASSets required to be BBOTD material. She's trying, and I ain't mad at that.

Oh, and because I love (or hate?) you all so much, CLICK HERE for the most comprehensive list of non-domesticated asian cuties ever compiled. Or, so the creators of the list claim.

-Ollie the Perv