Official 200th Post: The Call Out

And it is the most bittersweet post I have ever made on this site. Why? Well, sweet because it's another landmark on the site, 200 posts and still comin' with that fire.

Bitter, well I think you can guess, but if you're lost, or have been living under a rock, allow me to spell it out for you... C-H-A-R-G-E-R-S.

Man oh man... Seriously drawing a blank on what to say here. I just want to address several occurences during the course of this game against the Steelers that literally had me screaming at my television.

#1 Special Teams:

HOLY SHIT!

The Chargers special teams laid the proverbial egg yesterday and might as well have giftwrapped AT LEAST 14 points for the Steelers. What am I talking about? Well, when the best punting team in the AFC (Chargers) meets the worst (punt) return team in the NFL, you would be safe to assume the Chargers would win that battle. That definitely was not the case on Sunday.

First, the Chargers decide to play sideline punt coverage rather than jamming up the middle of the field and allow Santonio Holmes to run back a Scifres punt 68 yards to paydirt. Look, things happen and normally you can't single out anyone for blowing their asignment but this right here:



...Is just flat out unacceptable. Legadu Nene, normally a solid special teams player decides to go for a chop tackle, when he could have literally just breathed on Holmes to force him out of bounds. Oh well, shit happens, we move on.

You would assume the special teams fuck ups would end there, but NO! It actually gets better. Somehow, by the sheer grace of God himself, Mike Scifres manages to kick a punt that LANDS DI-REC-TALLY ON ERIC WEDDLE'S HEAD!! The obvious result is an unexpecting Chargers team allows Pittsburgh to recover inside the 20, 2 plays later, paydirt.

This is the official call out to San Diego Chargers special teams unit: STEP YO MUTHAFUCKIN GAME UP!!

Next...

Phillip Rivers, you blew it. You manned up in the 4th quarter and put up 2 scores, but the truth of the matter is this: the interception inside the 20 on THE FIRST PLAY of the Chargers first and only third quarter possession changed the enitre layout of this game. ALL, I repeat, ALL of the momentum was in the Chargers favor after big Darren Sproles threw down a 68 yard return to set up inside the 20. Phillip Givers (yeah thats his new name) throws a fuckin pick on the very next play and thats when I had to be restrained from throwing my icey cold beverage through the fucking television.

It is very simple to see how these 3 plays (return TD, ball off head, red zone interception) ensured the Steelers success yesterday.

Last but certainly not least: Norv Turner, you are, without a doubt, THE WORST HEAD COACH IN THE NFL. Yeah I said it. This guy has managed to Fuck Up one of the most effecient offenses in recent memory.

4th Quarter, down 3 scores, 3 minutes left in the game, facing a 4th and 4, Norv Turner the offensive genius (their words, not mine) decides to punt the ball to the Steelers and basically ensure that the Chargers (with no timeouts) have ZERO chance of seeing the ball again on offense, let alone coming back from the hole they dug for themselves.

WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR LOGIC NORV? You don't convert, oh well, the game is still gonna be lost anyway, right? Might as well go for it, get some momentum back and handle your business like you got a pair. FUCK YOU NORV. I swear on everything I find holy in this world, if I am EVER face to face with Norv Turner I will literally bitch slap him. This is a promise, set in stone, documented right here on the BAMA.

For good measure:



Keep hanging your head in shame Norv. You managed to coach the most potent offense in the NFL to a sub-par 8-8 record and a second round bed-shitting that can only be compared to the fuckery that is Tom Coughlin and the New York Giants.

Im so mad I could spit nails. FUCK THE NFL. I have decided that I am going to protest the Super Bowl.

Now to address my predictions. This is too funny, seriously. Does anyone realize that only one home team won in the divisionals? ONE. Thats one favorite coming in. It is sickening. I really want to know where the fuck these coaches/fans stand right now with the play of their respective clubs.

Seriously though, the best teams are the rookie quarterback anchored Baltimore Ravens, and the god-damned Arizona Cardinals. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Im gonna puke. Fuck this shit, I'm over football.

Oh, by the way, I did make one predicition that came through, Tim Tebow decided to stay for his senior year at Florida. Good luck to the rest of the clubs in college football, FLORIDA is national champs yet again in 2010.

Im ready for March Madness.

-Ollie

Its been a while...

since ive been able to pat myself on the back, but yes, your boy Ollie did indeed give you bastards 3 winners. In fact, I was 100% in college football. Just dont take my word in NFL cause i am something like 2 for 9.

Lets review the weekend.

Wake Forest vs. NAVY. Wake Forest gave your boy a scare, but i realized that the points scored by NAVY were a direct result from turnovers. Once Wake Forest got their shit tight, it was a wrap.

Arizona vs. BYU. This was an easy game for me, and the funny thing is, most people were on the other side riding BYU's ranking (#16) right into a loss. Ive said it before and i'll say it again. The Pac-10 is a debatable 2nd toughest division in college football. When you have to go up against the likes of Cal, Oregon, Arizona State, and USC every year, you know that youre gonna have a tough team. Counter that with a Conference USA team (BYU) whose best win this season was against a weak ass Air Force squad. The game was a cake walk, and thats where it ends.

Colorado State vs. Fresno State. What can I say? Its a bittersweet victory for me considering I know prolly 20 people personally that graduated from Fresno State, so going against my home college (the closest to my block) is a bit sac religious. However, I learned years ago from my father that using your heart, or rather having any sort of ties to a team and letting that affect your betting is a sure fire way to get beat on a regular basis. Fresno State has not been able to win the big games when they needed to this year, so it came as no surprise that Colorado was able to blast through that weak ass defensive line.

Other picks I had were South Florida over Memphis and Southern Mississippi over Troy.

*Side Note* I know it wasnt a big game for most people, but I got stuck watching the Southern Mississippi vs. Troy bowl game. Why? Well, for some ridiculous reason NBC lost its signal at my house so I couldnt watch the Giants make that great come back against the Panthers. 34-28, I can only imagine how great of a game it was.

Anyways, did anyone watch that Southern Miss game?? Sometime late in the first quarter this happened. **NOTE** Not for the faint of heart.



SNAP!!! Dude, thats a straight up chicken leg right there. It reminds me of this cat...



Thats Corey Hill from the UFC and that photo is not photoshopped. He completely destroyed the bones in that leg and turned it into rubber. Nasty Shit.

Anyways, to recap, Ollie is a College Football genius (5-0 in the bowl pick-em challenge thus far). Cats need to drink some more milk.

In NFL news, the Buffalo Bills finally did their job and beat the Broncos, which sets up a week 17 battle for the AFC west between my beloved San Diego Chargers and the bati boy Denver Broncos. Winner goes to the playoffs. Its actually kind of sickening that 8-8 is good enough to take a division.

AFC East is shaping up for a great finish this year.

Im going to go on record right now and say that the super bowl is going to be one of the following 4 scenarios.

Baltimore Ravens/Indianapolis Colts vs. New York Giants/Carolina Panthers. Winner? Ravens.

It hurts me to say it but I dont think my boys are going to make it to the big dance (given they even make it to the playoffs).

UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE

I spent the last 3 hours or so punchin out an amazing post for today and somehow bitch-ass BLOGGER malfunctioned and lost all of my work. Dont blame me for the lack of content today. Im switchin servers at the first of the year anyways.

Anyways, here goes nothing.

Football picks. I dont have the patience or drive to do explanations.

Arizona State (-3.5) over BYU.

Wake Forest (-3) over NAVY.

Colorado State (+3) over Fresno State.

Back next week with lots of new content including the best/worst of 2008 awards BAMA style.

-Ollie is still da Boss Giancana

The biggest little city in the world

Lots of stories, waiting for photos to be uploaded (cant find my usb cord), will definitely have a full recap of the Reno adventure as soon as the photos are ready.

Some quick highlights:

Ollie throws 38 cents at punk ass go-go dancer.

Ollie runs $40 bones up to $350 in a matter of minutes in a craps game only to lose it all back in record time.

Ollie convinces security guard that he's famous and gets photo op.

Ollie goes 0 for 5 on NFL picks with one push.

Santa Clause(s) run wild in Reno, I dont have my camera and miss what was probably one of the best photo opportunities of all time.

10 hour drive home through snow, ice, sleet, rain, hail, and even a little bit of fog. Seriously, I cant script this shit.

On a different note, my chick is flyer than your chick.

-Ollie the world renowned traveler

Dont call it a comeback

You're favorite blogger is hittin the road to endulge in all things sinful. I'm goin to Reno with the ball and chain for her Grandmother's 90th Birthday. Back on Monday with a recap of the hookers, the bad wagers, the craps games, the boos, and of course the tomfoolery and hi-jinx that youre boy Ollie has been known to get into/create. Until then, here's some NFL picks for ya (if you have any faith left in the KING)...

Green Bay is a 2 point favorite over Jacksonville. I say take Green Bay, lay the 2 points, and be happy with the extra scratch.

I still have faith in Jeff Garcia, so for that reason alone I like Tampa Bay +3 against Atlanta. Both teams coming off losses, both tryin to lock up a playoff spot, should be a great game.

The Jets are a 7.5 point favorite over the struggling Bills. Do not dismiss this as a tough conference game. Buffalo has lost 5 of the last 6 and Favre is coming off an embarassing lost last week. Take the Jets and lay the points.

The mighty Titans are a 3 point favorite over a mediocre Houston team. The Titans have locked up there division and are prolly gonna be resting some folks. That honestly doesnt mean shit. Take the Titans, lay the 3, collect your money.

San Diego is a 5.5 point favorite over the run-down Chiefs. The Chiefs have nothing to play for, count them out. Take the Chargers, lay the points, and be happy.

Have a good weekend, be back Monday with my tales from the road (If i dont get snowed in).

-Ollie's out.

NFL = Not For Long/Not Forever League

You all know that i am an obnoxiously self absorbed piece of shit. What you prolly didnt know is that i am extremely humble when the time calls for it. I will go on record here and say that Ollie da Don was completely fooled by the NFL and its scoring trends on Sunday when not one of my NFL picks came in. I sure hope none of you out there in cyber space bet the mortgage on my touts, but if you did, I appreciate the faith you had in your boy Ollie.

Rather than apologize, I decided to do a little investigation into why things didnt play out the way we, and by we I mean I, assumed they would. i really stuck my foot in my mouth, and i think i have figured out why.

First wrong tout: New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles over 45 combined points.

What went wrong?? Well apparently Eli was doing a bit too much of this on saturday night:



and not enough of this on sunday:



On the other hand, "Mr. i didnt know you could tie in the NFL" kept it funky with a fresh fade (route) and the inevitable electric slide:



The pictures tell the story, but what i dont have a picture of is that awful dropped pass by Domenik Hixon that was a guaranteed touchdown that would have changed the entire structure of this game. Fuck it, even with the loss, the Giants clinched the NFC East and a first round bye which almost all but guarantees them a second straight trip to the Super Bowl.

Second Wrong Tout: Washington Redskins (+5) vs. Baltimore Ravens.

What went wrong? Apparently i grossly underestimated the effect of having a striking resemblance to an overtly gay z-list celebrity.

who am i talking about you wonder?

well your boy (not mine) Jason Campbell who looks like this:



has an uncanny resemblance to this cat:



who you prolly dont remember from that photo but used to look like this when he starred as "Ricky" from "My So Called Life":



LOL. Oh man, that guy is the most feminine cat on the block. Are we seeing this resemblance? This cat was gay when he was like 12 years old and he's been as wild as they come ever since. Anyways, getting back on task, When you look like the stunt double for a wildly gay ass cat such as Wilson Cruz, chances are you are unfortunately enjoying that quarterback position a little too much. NEXT!

Third and final wrong tout from, Sunday: Atlanta Falcons (+3) vs. New Orleans Saints.

What went wrong?

Well, i had some bad information when i made this pick cause about 40% of it was based on the fact that Reggie Bush was still faking his injury so he could stay home to do this:



Little did I know that Ol' reggie got tired of Kimmy K and decided to report back to N'alins to shit all over the Falcons defense. Can you blame him though? Wouldnt you be energized if you got to come home to the thickest light skinded breezy outside of the hood?

(Insert gratuitous Kim Kardashian backshot here)



DAYUM!! We see you Ms. K.

Well lets just hope my man Jeff Garcia decides to show up for the biggest game of the Bucs' season tonight and does wifey proud. I know i would be workin over time if i looked like Jeff and had a wife that looked like this:



In college news, i was 3/4 and gave you suckers some huge touts. I love that i called Florida and exposed Alabama for being a fraudulent #1 team. Oklahoma whooped serious Ass, and Pittsburgh handled their biz. In fact, my only loss was USC, who whooped up on UCLA but werent able to get the ball in the end zone enough times to cover... My theory on why??

They layed eyes on these thighs and didnt want to embarass her school:



Cant be mad at that.

-Oliver "50% aint cuttin it" Wrist

Friday football picks

A little known fact about your boy Ollie; aside from being a chauvenistic, self absorbed, overly confident, womanizing asshole, im also a lowlife (albeit loveable) degenerate gambler. Shocking, i know.

Moving on. Lately ive been finding myself saying "i told you so" far too much on Monday mornings, meaning, i had the right pick, but nobody believed me because i hadnt made it public. So today we're gonna try a little something new. Call your bookies folks, Ollie's takin' yo' ass to chuuuuch.

NCAA football picks for Saturday December 6, 2008.

Pick #1 Pittsburgh (+3) over Connecticut. Why? Bottom line, Pittsburgh is a stronger team plays well on the road, and has a better in conference record than Connecticut. My advice, take Pittsburgh and the 3 points

Pick #2 USC (-33) vs. UCLA. Take USC and lay the 33 points.



Why? Well because UCLA has laid an egg every game out this season, got smoked by a mediocre BYU team, UCLA just barely squeaked by a struggling Washington Huskies team, whereas USC put the boots to Washington in a blinding 69-0 performance. Save for USC's one loss this season to Oregon State (???) they are easily the strongest team in the Pac-10. Pete Carrel is a genius coach and if you combine that with USC's incredible ability to run up the scoreboard, this looks like a no-brainer. Take USC and lay the 33 points. And for those of you who think this game is going to be close because its an in-state rivalry, save it. If USC wants any shot at a big Bowl game they are going to have to win this one with incredible style.

Pick #3 Florida (-9.5) Vs. Alabama Lay the 9.5 and take Florida. Why?

Well, Lets not forget that Florida has this guy:



Who is the reigning Heisman Trophy winner and just so happens to be fuckin this bird:



And Florida wants to play Oklahoma in the BCS championship game. The only way there is with a convincing win over Alabama. Trust in this, Florida has the Offense AND Defense to get this done. They are a team full of showboatin assholes that have absolutely no shame or humility... That translates into a mentality of score points, then score more points, then score more points.

I know the arguement is going to come that Alabama is #1 in the country. BIG FUCKIN DEAL... They have played a weak Georgia squad, and an even weaker LSU squad (and they had to go to overtime to win it) other than those 2 SEC rivals, they havent played anyone. Florida should run 'em right out the building.

Pick #4 Oklahoma (-17) vs. Missouri. Take Oklahoma, lay the 17 and call it a day. Why?

I can only imagine that there will be a whole lotta this:



cause Sam Bradford is that dude right now. He's playin for a chance at the Heisman and with a solid win over this doofus:



"Hi my name is Chase Daniel and i'm an alcoholic" LOL. Nah seriously though, Chase Daniel is a beast as far as College Quarterbacks go, but the kid looks like a linebacker that drinks his weight in beer as a pre-game warm up routine.

NFL picks.

Pick #5 Washington Redskins (+5) vs. Baltimore Ravens. Why?

Well Washington Redskins have this goin for 'em:



Everyone of those broads is silky smoove. And the Ravens, what do they have going for them:



Ray"enthal James Simpson" Lewis. Ol' "i killt me a man and got away wid it now ive found da lawd" himself. Yeah, i said it. This muhfucka pulled an O.J. (read: killed a man and got off) but nobody ever even mentions him. Know why? Cause O.J. decided to stay in everyones face and flaunt it like a real "not from concentrate" ice cold pimp would do. Big Shout out to O.J. Keep ya head up pimp, they tryna give my man LIFE for stealin his own shit back, but thats a whole 'notha story for a whole 'notha post.

Movin on, my reasoning here is simple, Washington is in dire need of this win and whether they win or lose it should be a really close game cause the Ravens can't score offensively, so if Washington can stay away from turnovers they should be right in it.

Pick #6 Philadelphia (+8) vs. New York Giants over/under 45 combined points. Im betting the over on this game... Why? simple...

Whenever this guy:



and this guy:


(I see you McNabb, dont hurt em with that electric slide pimpin')

match up, you're in for a shootout. McNabb needs to have a big game, and with a win NYG locks up the NFC East, so they are both gonna be slangin that ball to make shit happen.

Honorable Mention goes out to the dumbest muhfucka this side of the Atlantic, Plaxico Burress (really mom-dukes Plaxico??)



Why? well in case youve been asleep for the last week, Ol Plax is currently being held in the clink for puttin a bullet through his leg and will be facing criminal charges for illegal gun possession. As if the shame of shooting yourself wasnt enough punishment, ol' Plax is gonna get fined, get suspended (maybe even fired), and on top of alladat, most likely will be seein some time Up North (for all you white folks, Up North means "in jail"). When are celebrities and athletes gonna learn, thats why you keep your block homies wit' chu. Let them hold the burner, let them take the hit, and you keep makin that guap to put on the commissary to keep the big homie happy.

Sorry about getting off topic there, back to business.

Pick #7 and #8 Tampa Bay (+3) vs. Carolina over/under 38. Take Tampa Bay and the points and parlay it with the over.

Why?? Its simple. Tampa Bay has this guy:


(Comeback player of the year for the last i 'ont know, 6 years at least)

who just happens to be smashin cakes with this bird:



I see you Carmella, youre in the runnin for the world's largest love gap.
****note to the uninformed the love gap is that little space between them thighs****

Plus, Carolina is wack. They may be 8-4, but its a weak ass 8-4. Their best win was that bullshit touchdown as time expired against my beloved Chargers (who provided quite the thrashin to those God Awful Raiders last night by the way). Jake Delhomme is washed up, were tired of hearing his name. Steve Smith is the only good thing goin on in Carolina right now. Yeah I said it, Fuck Julius Peppers.

The over is a pretty straight forward bet. Both teams have mediocre defenses and better than average offenses so they should be able to rain down more than 2 touchdowns apiece.

Pick #9 Atlanta Falcons (+3) vs. New Orleans. Take the falcons and the points.

Why? Well because even though Drew Brees is in the running for MVP of the league this year, the saints have not put together more than 2 wins in a row all season. They are coming off a huge blowout of the (fudge)Packers, and are still playing without Reggie Bush.

Plus, the Falcons have this guy:



I see you Michael (Turner). This cat has been goin off on defenses for 100+ yards on the regular, and playing against one of the softest D's in the NFC, Michael Turner is gonna chew up that Defensive line all game. Fantasy note, even though i dont play fantasy, if you have Michael Turner, you better believe you should start him. This cat was Ladanian Tomlinson's understudy for several years in San Diego, he learned from the best, and is now showing the best (LT) what youre supposed to be doing.

____________________________________________________

So there you have it, weekend touts from your (un)friendly neighborhood gambler.

-Ollie the picking machine