Monday, December 8, 2008

NFL = Not For Long/Not Forever League

You all know that i am an obnoxiously self absorbed piece of shit. What you prolly didnt know is that i am extremely humble when the time calls for it. I will go on record here and say that Ollie da Don was completely fooled by the NFL and its scoring trends on Sunday when not one of my NFL picks came in. I sure hope none of you out there in cyber space bet the mortgage on my touts, but if you did, I appreciate the faith you had in your boy Ollie.

Rather than apologize, I decided to do a little investigation into why things didnt play out the way we, and by we I mean I, assumed they would. i really stuck my foot in my mouth, and i think i have figured out why.

First wrong tout: New York Giants vs. Philadelphia Eagles over 45 combined points.

What went wrong?? Well apparently Eli was doing a bit too much of this on saturday night:


and not enough of this on sunday:


On the other hand, "Mr. i didnt know you could tie in the NFL" kept it funky with a fresh fade (route) and the inevitable electric slide:


The pictures tell the story, but what i dont have a picture of is that awful dropped pass by Domenik Hixon that was a guaranteed touchdown that would have changed the entire structure of this game. Fuck it, even with the loss, the Giants clinched the NFC East and a first round bye which almost all but guarantees them a second straight trip to the Super Bowl.

Second Wrong Tout: Washington Redskins (+5) vs. Baltimore Ravens.

What went wrong? Apparently i grossly underestimated the effect of having a striking resemblance to an overtly gay z-list celebrity.

who am i talking about you wonder?

well your boy (not mine) Jason Campbell who looks like this:


has an uncanny resemblance to this cat:


who you prolly dont remember from that photo but used to look like this when he starred as "Ricky" from "My So Called Life":


LOL. Oh man, that guy is the most feminine cat on the block. Are we seeing this resemblance? This cat was gay when he was like 12 years old and he's been as wild as they come ever since. Anyways, getting back on task, When you look like the stunt double for a wildly gay ass cat such as Wilson Cruz, chances are you are unfortunately enjoying that quarterback position a little too much. NEXT!

Third and final wrong tout from, Sunday: Atlanta Falcons (+3) vs. New Orleans Saints.

What went wrong?

Well, i had some bad information when i made this pick cause about 40% of it was based on the fact that Reggie Bush was still faking his injury so he could stay home to do this:


Little did I know that Ol' reggie got tired of Kimmy K and decided to report back to N'alins to shit all over the Falcons defense. Can you blame him though? Wouldnt you be energized if you got to come home to the thickest light skinded breezy outside of the hood?

(Insert gratuitous Kim Kardashian backshot here)


DAYUM!! We see you Ms. K.

Well lets just hope my man Jeff Garcia decides to show up for the biggest game of the Bucs' season tonight and does wifey proud. I know i would be workin over time if i looked like Jeff and had a wife that looked like this:


In college news, i was 3/4 and gave you suckers some huge touts. I love that i called Florida and exposed Alabama for being a fraudulent #1 team. Oklahoma whooped serious Ass, and Pittsburgh handled their biz. In fact, my only loss was USC, who whooped up on UCLA but werent able to get the ball in the end zone enough times to cover... My theory on why??

They layed eyes on these thighs and didnt want to embarass her school:


Cant be mad at that.

-Oliver "50% aint cuttin it" Wrist

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