New Year's Eve Report

So I had originally planned on heading my way on up to San Francisco for the night's festivities, but plans fell thru do to some unforeseen circumstances. Instead, just chose to get extremely drunk in a medium sized gathering of friends and family.

Anybody who was been reading this blog for the last year, or who saw last year's new years post, knows that I typically just take a shit load of pictures, post em, and crack jokes on folks. Unfortunately, that will not be the case this year as I do believe I was the only joke at the party. What can I say, I was playing beer pong, drinking moonshine, and gave my camera to my 14 year old cousin to snap photos which mostly ended up just being photos of his mother. haha.

Rang in the new year right, but didn't get any of that sweet lovin I was prowlin' for, but that's better anyways. I'm off to NYC to find my girl Lindsey (Lohan) in 2 weeks anyways, plenty of time for photos and jokes then.

There are a few funny photos from the night, but I didn't bring the camera with me today, so uploads won't be until tomorrow.

Highlights:

- "Youre a Monster". Some little kid told me that when i knocked his little brother down. ACCIDENTLY.

- Challenging 15 year olds to do impossible tricks on their skateboards for small sums of money.

- Kissed Nasty Nate on the lips (might be a lowlight actually). Love my cousin. Only male I've ever kissed in my life... what can I say.. The boy is damn near as charming as I am.

- Decided to make the 6+ mile walk home to my house in the fog at around 4 a.m. after a shitload of moonshine. Made it about 3/4 of a block before falling in a bush. Luckily the fam came cruisin on the prowl for me and saved me from my bush.

- Steve Kerr'd those muhfuckas in beer pong. El Draino son..

- My wild ass cousin hittin on me, then getting her mouth taped shut, and taped to a chair. (Whoever taped her to the chair, you fuckin rule). **EDIT** Credit to my 16 year old nephew for that idea. You definitely rule.

And I'd say that about covers it.

Back to Lindsey Lohan if I may, I caught this picture on one of the celebrity gossip blogs, and despite the wild ass bruise (looks suspiciously like a thumbprint from a firm ass slap), who knew Lindsey was draggin a wagon? I thought she was all tits...



Say what you want, but the girl continues to defy standards. She can't be more than 95 pounds with ankle weights on, but 26% of that total weight is pure tits and ass. Lindsey, I love you, if you're in NYC, holler at a young boss.

-Olls

Kelly Karloff is el Fuego

This chick is mostly known for her modeling career on Karmaloop.com, but I'm here to tell ya, she is straight fire.







That tail leaves a little to be desired, but what she's lackin out back, she more than makes up for up top...



And she's a freak. She will answer any and all questions sexually related on her weekly video series from Karmaloop TV.

Episode 1:



Episode 2:



Episode 3:



-Uncle Ollie

Average Joe Hits the Jackpot

Look, I don't care who you are, there is no denying that my girl Kourtney Kardashian is the baddest of the Kardashian girls.



Or so was the case up until last week when it was revealed that the little sister to everyone's favorite backyard (that's Kim for the uninformed) went ahead and let some fuckin' nobody shoot an 8 roper** up in that womb and basically secure his personal financial stability for the next... oh I'ontknow, 18+ years.

**Shooting an 8 roper: Refering to the amount of ropes or ejaculatory "beads" one would be releasing from the sheer excitement of gettin to go raw in any, scratch that, either of the two HOT Kardashian sisters. Khloe, I see you girl, you're tryin, but doctors can't fix big. HAHA.**

So, just who is this average Joe to pull a Federline*?

** A Federline: I shouldn't have to explain this, but I will for the sake of literature. A.K.A. "The Come-up". Blast off in a super hot, ridiculously wealthy celeb and watch your bank account blow the fuck up. Man, on the low, I respect my man K-Fed's hustle more than anyone knows.

Let me introduce you to... (Record Scratch), We still don't even know dude's name?


("Yeah, she's with me.")

Are you kidding me? This fuckin' schlub ass darrel gets to go bareback?

Let me tell you another thing, judging by this picture:



If my man, we'll call him K-Federal 2.0, can hit Kourtney, All of us had a chance.

Another one bites the dust. But I will say this, if Momma Kardashian is any indication of these girl's ability to bounce back, I give a 48.7% chance that Kourtney will parlay that baby fat into a whole new world of thickness.

Why does Kourtney look so much more, how would I say this... "ethnic" than the other two??



Mailman's baby. You know momma was gettin her some cut on the sneaks. Papa Kardashian wasn't hittin that right, and I will guarandamntee you that ol' Brucey boy ain't diggin that out.

P.S. Khloe is a beast in these streets son. And not in the good way. She needs to invest in some flats and quit rockin them 6" stilletos, my girl is already duckin thru doorways in the club. HA.

-Olls

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer

Is this who Elton John was talking about in the classic '70's love ballad "Tiny Dancer" that was made famous by everyone's favorite awful movie "Almost Famous"?? Man that movie sucks. It just kills me you know it? I watch it every time it is on the tube and always end up asking myself, Why? Why Olls did you subject yourself to this train wreck. There was a time when I used to think that Kate Hudson was the business back in my younger years, well before I learned about the benefits of the thick white chick and the power moves they were making to take over the internet, er WORLD!!

Anyways, Sorry. This post has nothing to do with "Almost Famous", but I got a little sidetracked. I just hate the fact that that movie has the power to suck me in the way it does. I'll prolly end up watching it this weekend now, because for some strange, unexplainable reason, I do indeed own that piece of shit on DVD and VHS...

Moving on, peace to Brock and Lake over at Us Versus Them for gettin' the drop on this amazing little piece of video magic...



Wow. Just, WOW player.

Did you watch that? Please tell me you did and didn't just skip over for the commentary...

A few quick thoughts...

She has to be aware of the irony of the song she chose right? I mean, I really don't want to have to explain the hillarity of "Shorty gettin low", cause she is damn near sweepin' the flo' wit' it just by dippin'... HA.

Why in god's name is this video 4 minutes long? I mean, I appreciate the effort, 4 minutes of steady cuttin rug is tiring, but on the reals, homegirl was only really workin with about 3 actual moves that just got looped and interwoven in different combinations to create this cinematic masterpiece.

I KNOW I'm a pervert now (whereas before I just kind of assumed it), it's official, because the whole time she was dancin' all I could think was, "Damn, she's got the fat ass"... HAHA. Savage.

I really want a little person as my sidekick. Preferably an aggressive alcohol abuser with no morals or shame to compliment my oh-so-endearing "i hate everyone" approach to life.

Get it low "Shawwwwwty"... We ain't mad.

-Uncle Ollie

The Classics: White Girl Thickness Revisited

Thats all...

I realize that is an old flick, thus the reason it is going up on throwback thursday, and while I'm at it, a few more certified bangers for the fellas...







Tell me the classics don't hit the spot... Go head.


Ladies, get your squat/lunge game tight for the summertime... But never fear, Uncle Ollie still loves you... All of you.

-Uncle Ollie

Impromptu Photo Shoot

Last friday I was sittin' at the office staring out the window when I spotted this:



Let's zoom in for a closer look:



In honor of Reez at thegluttony.com I asked myself "Dead or Asleep". In fact, I sent the photos over to Reez to be featured on the site but he didn't post 'em or get back to me so, snooze ya lose, now I'm gonna throw em up here. I digress...

Apparently, the fire department and some concerned citizens decided to ask themselves the same question as they approached homegirl to find out if she was still alive...



After approx. 10 minutes of kicking and nudging her, they finally got some signs of life as ol' girl stirred herself:



The firemen left:



So she went back to sleep:



Classic. I love my job for reasons like this. Working downtown I get to see all kinds of wild ass people doing wild ass shit in the streets.

-Olls

Unexpected Tail: Kate Beckinsale??

One of the Bamettes hipped me to this the other day. I never gave this chick a second look. I mean, she's fly, but she wasn't packin heat where it counted. Or was she??



That thigh game is ferocious, but is there a tail back there??



You're damn right there's a tail. Is she the new Jessica Biel?



I can't go that far yet. What I can say is this: I have spent an unreasonable amount of time reviewing these photos and I seriously can't seem to find a single thing wrong with Kate Beckinsale. She is as close to flawless as I can find.

Let's review:

Pretty face? Decent chest plate?



Check. Check. Fierce thighs? Smooth stomach?



Check. Check. Tail?



Chiggity Check. Hot euro accent?



Yep. Look out Nelly Furtado, Kate Beckinsale is coming for that #1 spot.

-Uncle Ollie

Britney's Titties Rule

I don't care what anybody says, I have been waiting to see these tits hangin out since I was like 16 years old.

Apparently, some time back in 2007 Britney had the great idea to shoot the music video for some bullshit ass song called "Gimme More" topless.

Great decision. Somebody got some stills from the video and posted em up for the world to see and enjoy. My gift to you...











Now that my friends is a public service.

I also want to mention this while I am discussing Britney. Crazy or not, I still got love for her. EVERYONE in the world that says she aint bad is lying or is gay.

Ask the UVT boys, Britney started the thick white chick movement and damnit if she isn't slowly (but surely) bringin it back.



2009..

Go 'head girl, we ain't mad at 'cha.

-Uncle Ollie

Not To Get All Sentimental and Shit but:

My very best friend in the whole world welcomed his brand new daughter Ashlynn into the world on Friday, May 22, 2009.

Your boy Uncle Ollie gets the Godfather duties.

Welcome to the world beautiful little lady, can't wait to meet you!

-Uncle Ollie

Saved By The Bell x Soulja Boy

Now that I've got you all caught up with why I've been missing in action, I found this AMAZING video over at College Humor and it's way more than awesome, it's fuckinbadass...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Would I lie to you? Didn't I tell you all how great that was going to be? Props to whoever made that video and reminded me of how super officially bad my girl Lisa Turtle is/was. I did a Throwback Thursday on Lark Voorhies months ago, but right now seems like as good a time as any to remind the world of what my girl Lark is/was bringin' to the table.





Short hair, long hair it don't matter. She's bringin' the fire.



Word life.

-Ollie

Don't Even Be Lookin' At My Girl: Cassie Gets Naked

Do I have your attention now? Yes, that Cassie. The same one that Mr. Diddy himself was cuttin' up on the side, the same one who was responsible for creating one of the most hated songs of my entire life:



Can't even try to hate on those dance moves though, damn shorty knows what she's doin' with those hips. I feel like Hawk from the Legion of Doom right now...



"ohhhhhhhh What a Rush..."

Suffice it to say, I have had WAY MORE than a crush on this young bitty for quite some time now. That is, until she pulled this awful stunt:



What the fuck were you thinkin' homegirl? You literally were one hit away from "top 5 in the game" and you go and pull a stunt like that.

And just when I think you can make anything any worse for yourself, you go and pull a stunt like this...



...and totally redeem yourself!!!!

The NSFW (yes, full on hacked computer pics, titties fully on blast) joints can be found right Here and Here.

Cassie took to her Twitter page this morning to address the situation. And I quote:

"IT SEEMS THAT SOMEONE HAS HACKED INTO MY COMPUTER...THAT'S REAL FOUL AND EVIL. NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN A TITTY BEFORE."about 9 hours ago from web

Nice job Cass. You really played it off, as if you weren't the one who leaked these photos to begin with. I am literally on the edge of my seat just waiting for the sex tape.

Normally, I don't watch the sex tapes of celebrities (yeah fuckin' right) but in this case I will not only make an exception, I will pay for it.

That's right, I will actually pay money for the sex tape rather than just jackin' it (pun completely intended and used well I might add) from the web.

Thank you Cassie. I will act like any man who has ever "seen a titty before" and continue to stare at these joints for the rest of the day.

You know what they say... "If you've seen one titty, you want to see 'em all".

Church.

Shout to Tyler Durden for the scoop.

Today is going to be a great day.

-Ollie the Provider

---------------------UPDATE-------------------------------------------

I just recieved this email, and I quote:

"I am writing from Bad Boy Entertainment in regards to the photos of Cassie that you posted on your web site at:

http://nickelplatedbama.blogspot.com/2009/05/dont-even-be-lookin-at-my-girl-cassie.html

These photos are the property of Bad Boy Entertainment/Cassie and need to be removed immediately to prevent legal action. Please confirm with me when they have been taken down. Thank you for your cooperation.
Bad Boy Entertainment | Digital Marketing
Email:"

My response, and I quote:

"I posted links to photos. Other photos of Cassie were found via google image searches."

****So BAMA nation, do I take the links down or fight the power?***

-Uncle Ollie