American Idol Recap:

So last night was the season finale of American Idol season 8 and I honestly couldn't give a fuck less. A few highlights of the show:

1. Bikini Girl Showed up with fake tits to extend her 15 minutes of fame. Not to be outdone, Kara Diogurdia (however the fuck you spell it) gave the world a little flash...





Nice smooth stomach goin on right there Kara, I ain't mad atcha.



New joints (tits) look aight, she looks alot thicker now too as compared to then...



I can't call it.

2. Bo Bice looks like he should be an extra on fuckin Twilight or True Blood or any other vampire spin off bullshit show/movie. (Side Note: I actually liked Twilight, does that make me Gee Aye Why?)



I really dislike that guy. I mean, REALLY fuckin' hate him.

3. This isn't a highlight, but the Spencer Pratt with dark hair guy, a.k.a. Kris Allen won the season...



"Hi, I am literally the plainest contestant this show has ever seen."

The general consensus seems to be that Adam Lambert should have won if you judge on pure talent, but as everyone knows, American Idol cannot get behind (no homo) an openly gay individual such as Adam. I mean, peep some evidence of this dudes cat ass behavior...



Dude looks like Posh Spice. Straight up. Anyways, with photos like that floating around the web, there was no way American Idol was crowning this dude as an "American Idol". That is just way too liberal for the conservative network.

Damn yo, I need to bounce back after that Rocky Horror Picture Show...



While "Bikini Girl" may not be my particular brand, at least she's got tits and a vagina (I assume).

Can't wait for next season (yes, the sarcasm is there and it's REAL).

-Awful Ollie the Hater

Facebook = Wack.

I recently got on the facebook bandwagon and was doin my thug thizzel reconnecting with old homies, tryna get my network on, blah blah etc. I sent out requests to a bunch of random folks (you know, tryin to network) and facebook decided to cut me off from being able to add friends. FUCKING RETARDED. Here I am,. shamelessly (self) promoting this blog to create a broader fan base, and these dorks from facebook think they can just give me the axe? yeah I said dorks, and yeah I see you Mark Zuckerberg...



And unfortunately for you, you just made the list of bitch ass muhfuckas that will get slapped on site. Currently it is only you and Norv Turner, but don't worry plenty of other folks will be joining very soon.

**Side Note** Joe Rogan is on the list, but he won't be getting bitch slapped cause there's a pretty good chance he will roll me up with the quickness.***

I'd like to give an extra large shout out to Tom from myspace for keepin shit ultra gutter. I mean, this cat (Tom) lets prostitutes pick up johns on his site. He allows Tila Tequilla to have over a million friends. I need to do that shit, for real. I'm going to send out 100,000 friend requests in the next 6 months (I did the math, that is approx. 555 requests per day, every day for the next 180 days). I figure if I can have 100,000 myspace friends, and each of them visits the site twice a day, hell, I might even be able to turn a profit from this godforesaken blog I've created.

Yep! Doin it bigger than big in '09.

And in case you missed it, Fuck Mark Zuckerberg, cause all I really wanted to do was shoot an add request to the next American Idol Casey Carlson.

Oh, you don't know about Casey, well, she isn't the standard NPB type'a chick (read: thick in the hips and backyard) but she has a super cute face and she's talented. Did I ever mention that talent adds a minimum of 1.5 points to a chick instantly? It's similar to throwin D's on a bitch, which automatically bumps her 2 full points on the rating scale.

Lets review... basic chick, say she is a 3, she goes out and gets dubs thrown on the chest piece, and she can sang?? She becomes a 6.5. Got it?? Good. Back to Casey Carlson...



And the backshot (it's standard here)...



See what I mean. Typical white tail piece. I ain't mad though, she's a solid 8 without dubs or backs. Go get 'em girl. If you want to see more go ahead and CLICK HERE.

As if I needed another reason to watch American Idol. This is seriously becoming a problem.

-Ollie enamored

American Idol Season 8 Auditions

As I stated yesterday, I am a huge fan of the first 2-3 weeks of American Idol. Why? Because its the only "reality" show that is actually reality on television. Anyways, the only part I like is when these cats get on there actin a fool thinkin they can sang, and then get shut down by the judges. It is pure comedy to see people's dreams get crushed, but seriously, why would anyone set themselves up for such a terrible fall? Thats what happens when you surround yourself with "yes men". I'm going to offer my services, free of charge, to anyone who needs an opinion on whether they are good enough to rap, sing, dance, whatever. I will kick it to you real, not like your cupcake ass friends and parents who sugarcoat the shit and encourage you to make a damn fool of yourself on national television. I aint mad at ya though, your pain is pure comedy and i have no issues laughing at your collective misfortunes.

A couple of my favorites from last night...

X-Ray:



I was rollin when this cat first started. He jumped straight into that jelly leg dance routine. Then he hit 'em with that extra firm "ohhhhewwwohhhh oh oh oh" thinkin he was super official. He gets the "GONG!" but decides it ain't ova. I almost choked when he started singin' again while Simon was tellin him to kick rocks. LOL at the security escorting him out. Some people...

Then there was "Bikini Girl" and I think its fairly obvious why shes gettin some shine today...



I give her props for havin the brass to show up in a bikini. In fact, I think it was quite genius. The thing about it is, she has no chest piece, and while the backyard was smooth, it had no tuck. It was mediocre at best, and as we all know, that doesn't cut it around here. I do like the fiestiness she displayed when she went in on the new judge Kara. I was laughin super hard when Kara decided to show her how she was supposed to sing. I get the feeling she was waiting for an opening to display her vocal prowess. Simon kicks it to her real too, I agree with Katrina "your demonstration wasn't any better". HAHA. Get 'em Simon.

Speaking of Kara Dioguardi, I can't decide if she's hot or not. I mean she's definitely a step up from Paula, but is she bringin any heat? To the drawing board we go...



Verdict: Insufficient Evidence. We will continue to assess the evidence as more becomes available, until then though, we'll be checkin for "bikini girl".

One more for good measure, this dude right here is straight WILD...



Im speechless, and that, loyal readers, is quite rare.

-Ollie the reality junkie

Americal Idol starts tonight...

And your boy Ollie is very, very excited. Why? Well, aside from the fact that I am a HUGE reality t.v. junkie, I absolutely love the first 2-3 weeks of Americal Idol. People makin a damn fool of themselves, arguin with judges, and just generally gettin out of pocket thinkin their punk ass can sang.

I cant wait to see this type'a tomfoolery this year...



HAHAHA. Can we please address each of these performances individually.

#5 Melissa Hoover

I love how her hillbilly deluxe mama is responsible for this lunacy. "She's basically got the whole package". Right. I almost feel bad, but as you all know, I lack emotion so that feeling quickly escapes me. In fact, I feel bad that I dont feel bad, does that make sense? Back to Melissa, how in the fuck are you going to show up to an Americal Idol audition and completely freestyle a combination of like 6 songs? Did anyone catch that? she was hittin' the judges with 6 takes at once, and I for one find that genius, it's just too bad she was completely tone deaf.

#4 The Derrick

Alright seriously, this cat gets a little bit of props. Why? Well, have you ever tried to pop, lock, and moonwalk all over the place while singin' accapella? Me neither, but I can imagine that it's quite tough. I can't get over how much dude looks like Jamie Kennedy's character "B-Rad" in Malibu's Most Wanted. The singing, it doesn't require a response from me. It's just bad.

#3 Siyahlent Night

Schnap. That 'fro is not helpin homie at all, and neither is that dish rag he calls a shirt. LOL at the remix. "Siyahlent night, I said'a siyahlent night" with absolutely no emotion. This is one of my favorites of all time cause I can only assume this cat goes extra hard on his hoe. I dont know why I know that, but I just do.

#2 Julie

Bad thicknes + Opera-pop crossover voice + Flower print shirt + tone deaf + wrong words = Compete and utter failure. The judges were completely speechless and you could see the terror growin in ol' girls face as she waited for a response. They cut off Simon's response, but you know he encouraged homegirl to off herself immediately. Again, I am forced to ask this question, Who is tellin these people they can sang?

#1 Jennifer

First of all, can we please take away Jennifer's sharpie? That eyebrow game is just turrible. I love how she really stuck the landing there at the end though with that killer pose-off. I don't think she is the worst this show has ever seen, in fact, I think she could easily trade places with #2 on this list.

It is easy to see why American Idol is one of my favorite reality shows right now. Mainly because it is actual reality and not scripted. On top of that, Simon is a completely shameless Dick, Randy is still searchin for street cred, Paula is out of her damn mind, and they are adding a new broad this year. This should be a very good season.

P.S. Remember when Paula was still bad?



That pompadour is fierce.

-Ollie