You Can't be Serious

The worst fucking guy since Joe Rogan is now getting paid appearance fees to show up and host parties?

This is some sort of cruel prank. Has to be. John Gosselin sucks so much dick...

-Ollie the Hateful

Things That Kill Me: Part 2

Most newcomers to this blog are not familiar with my hatred for Joe Rogan. In fact, my first ever post was dedicated to the slandering of that useless fucking cokehead. So in a sense, I guess you could say this blog started out as an anti Joe Rogan site and blossomed into this sensational grouping of words you have all come to know and love. I spend more time than is neccessary or reasonable bitching about the shit that people say/do that pisses me off. I made a preliminary LIST a couple months back, and at this time, I plan to add several other things that kill me to that list.

In case you missed that hotlink above, you can CLICK HERE for the first posting of "things that kill me".

I'm just gonna get right into it.

1. I fucking hate other people's children:



Yeah, I said it. I really hate other people's kids. Shit, I don't even have any of my own (technically) but the ones I am involved with on a daily basis drive me nuts. More importantly, I hate the way other people choose to discipline their children. When I see 2 year old little brats calling the shots and the parents defending the child's behavior rather than slappin the shit out of them, it drives me up the fucking wall. I feel like I need to get in there and set the kid straight for the parent's sake. Here this now, if and when I do actually have children of my own, they will, if nothing else, be respectful. My kid gets out of line, they will get one warning, cross me again, SMMAACCCCK! and a time out. Unless my kid turns out to be one of those real "bebe's kids" type a muhfucka. You know, the kid that runs over and kicks over other kid's sand castles on the beach, pees on the sleeping old lady, throws his ice cream in the toilet rather than share it with his siblings type of brats. Yeah, That kid. I would prolly have to encourage that kind of behavior. That shit can't be taught, it just comes naturally. HAHA.

2. Dave Matthews/Jason Mraz/John Mayer/Gavin Degraw/Every other white folky pop rip off artist.



I hate these whiny little bitches. They all sound the same. They all have terribly annoying voices. They are all minor talents that somehow got some shine on college radio and adopted a legion of female fans. Fuck you.

3. Headaches.

4. Running out of pills. I have a pretty steady habit of consuming xanax and hydrocodone, and when I run out and can't find anymore I get really on edge.

5. Jack In The Box terryaki bowls. Why? Seriously Jack, why do you need to include a terryaki bowl on your menu? You don't see the chinese joint in the mall slangin hamburgers and fries do you? Thats just stupid.

6. The fags that run Cardboard Robot.

7. People that talk while I'm tryin to watch a movie. Not you TBC. The occasional question is ok, but to blatantly just start spewing excrement from the lips in the form of verbal diarrhea in the middle of a movie, and then not get the point when I stare into your eyes with the look of pure disgust, you people should all be thrown from airplanes without parachutes.

8. Slow Computers.

9. Insomnia.

10. Gabriel Iglesias/Carlos Mencia/George Lopez/Mexican comedians in general.



On the contrary, you are quite fat. You're not funny. I dont care about how big your family is. I don't care about your ties to Mexico. I dont care about your references to selling/picking oranges. I just dont care about you at all. Please. Stop. Now.

11. Organized Religion. I really hate pushy christian/mormon/jehova's witness church people. Listen, if I was interested in hearing your views on the world I would kill myself. I have no use for people that insist on pushing their beliefs onto me like I need saving. I am quite aware that I am going to hell, it doesn't really bother me. Thanks for your concern, now go heal a wounded seal while I laugh hysterically at retarded people and fat girls.

12. Cats and Cat People.



I fucking hate cats. I hate cat owners. Well, not all of them, but anyone who has more than 3 cats I can all but guarantee 2 things: 1) They live alone and 2) Their house smells awful, which in turn means they smell awful, and if you remember on the previous list, body odor really irks me.

13. Steelers fans.



Yeah, we all saw the Steelers win the super bowl. So what, you didn't win the super bowl so quit saying "we" as if you had something to do with that teams success.

14. Dane Cook/Dane Cook Stand Up/Dane Cook Movies/Dane Cook's acne. Enough said.

Thats it for now. More as they come.

-Ollie the hated

Facebook = Wack.

I recently got on the facebook bandwagon and was doin my thug thizzel reconnecting with old homies, tryna get my network on, blah blah etc. I sent out requests to a bunch of random folks (you know, tryin to network) and facebook decided to cut me off from being able to add friends. FUCKING RETARDED. Here I am,. shamelessly (self) promoting this blog to create a broader fan base, and these dorks from facebook think they can just give me the axe? yeah I said dorks, and yeah I see you Mark Zuckerberg...



And unfortunately for you, you just made the list of bitch ass muhfuckas that will get slapped on site. Currently it is only you and Norv Turner, but don't worry plenty of other folks will be joining very soon.

**Side Note** Joe Rogan is on the list, but he won't be getting bitch slapped cause there's a pretty good chance he will roll me up with the quickness.***

I'd like to give an extra large shout out to Tom from myspace for keepin shit ultra gutter. I mean, this cat (Tom) lets prostitutes pick up johns on his site. He allows Tila Tequilla to have over a million friends. I need to do that shit, for real. I'm going to send out 100,000 friend requests in the next 6 months (I did the math, that is approx. 555 requests per day, every day for the next 180 days). I figure if I can have 100,000 myspace friends, and each of them visits the site twice a day, hell, I might even be able to turn a profit from this godforesaken blog I've created.

Yep! Doin it bigger than big in '09.

And in case you missed it, Fuck Mark Zuckerberg, cause all I really wanted to do was shoot an add request to the next American Idol Casey Carlson.

Oh, you don't know about Casey, well, she isn't the standard NPB type'a chick (read: thick in the hips and backyard) but she has a super cute face and she's talented. Did I ever mention that talent adds a minimum of 1.5 points to a chick instantly? It's similar to throwin D's on a bitch, which automatically bumps her 2 full points on the rating scale.

Lets review... basic chick, say she is a 3, she goes out and gets dubs thrown on the chest piece, and she can sang?? She becomes a 6.5. Got it?? Good. Back to Casey Carlson...



And the backshot (it's standard here)...



See what I mean. Typical white tail piece. I ain't mad though, she's a solid 8 without dubs or backs. Go get 'em girl. If you want to see more go ahead and CLICK HERE.

As if I needed another reason to watch American Idol. This is seriously becoming a problem.

-Ollie enamored

Christmas Wish List 2008

I dont want much folks. Here are a few items i would like for Christmas, in no particular order of importance.

#1



Vintage Starter Cubs satin jacket. That joint is too fresh.

#2



Nikon D90. Basically the hardest camera out right now. I have no experience with a camera of this nature but i want it none the less.

#3




Jessica Biel's ass is straight fire. Nuff said.

#4 This isnt so much something i want as it is something i want to see end. I never want to look at this...



...again. Please end the tight sagging before it becomes this:



Incidentally the skinny cat from "The Cool Kids"...



Has a striking resemblance to another fashionably challenged Rapper, you may know him as Fabolous:



Do you see it??

#5



Chargers win the AFC West with a record of 8-8 and go on to win the super bowl, how fucking gangster would that be??

#6 Death to the VOCODER!!!

#7 Death to Joe Rogan!


Finally, and prolly most important, i want this blog to start generating some of this:



Cause Im lazy and I dont want to work anymore.

To make a contribution to the Oliver Wrist Christmas Wish List Fund, please feel free to contact me:

Nickelplatedbama@gmail.com

On a different note, went out and partied pretty fierce on Friday. Got some good pics, i'll post the story after I upload the photos.

-Have an Ollie Jollie Christmas

Inspiration

You wonder how and where i find the inspiration to drop these marvelous morsels of dopeness on the legions of fans every day?

Dear Josh, Please Click Here

Hows that for inspiration.

In other news, the grass is green, Its Still Cold In the D, and I still hate Joe Rogan.

If you see me in the streets, tell me you love me, but dont stare at me man, id hate to have my boys doin bids for clappin my fans. LOL. Holler bitch.

-Oliver Wrist

random huge guy photo of the day

Damn homie, that muhfucka looks like he is literally 7 feet tall. He is dwarfin' Tina Turner's old ass (homegirl is pushin 70 by now) and she isnt known to be a short lady. His facial expression says it all though:

"I told em i didnt mind costumes cause i wanted the part in 300, but this, well this is just degrading."

Sorry bout your luck homie, but if things keep poppin off over here at the bama and Kanye or Rogan's people decide to come after me, imma set you up in a security job. Keep it funky pimpin.

-Ollie back to tomorrow

How to win a bar fight

This is an old video but the greatness is still there and for those that havent seen it, the video is just over a minute long and worth every second. Bas Rutten a.k.a. "El Guapo" is a previous UFC champion and certified BAMF.



HAHAHA!! The passion of that groin kick is killin me, and the sounds he uses to illustrate the strikes are priceless. Didang Didang Didang. BUNG BONG BUNG BANG.

I wish Bas Rutten could take command of Joe Rogan's seat at the commentator booth so we didnt have to listen to that miserable coke fiend sweat (yeah, i can hear his greezy ass sweating) and slobber all over the microphone while im tryin to watch Brock Lesnar whoop Randy Couture's ass.

-Ollie

Things that kill me

This is going to be an ongoing rant/list of things/people that piss me off. I'll just start and keep going. I will include pictures when needed.


1. Joe Rogan.



2. Matching 6 colors on your shirt to 6 colors on your shoes and 6 colors on your hat (you know who you are).



3. The fact that they have made every comic book/cartoon into a movie except for the ones i care about. i.e. Thundercats and G.I. Joe. Seriously.



4. People who make one blog post a day and get 1,000 comments, but I work extra hard to drop (on average) 4 posts a day and only get 1 fuckin’ comment.

5. On the subject of bloggers, I hate that these fakers are getting’ paid.

6. People who make money doing what I do.

7. Kanye West thinkin’ he can sang. Hell Kanye West in general circa 2008 and his awful sunglass collection.



8. All white air force ones costing 85 bones.



9. Fat chicks with tongue rings.



10. K-swiss sneakers (especially in the all white variety).

11. Every person having their own clothing line. I just want to print shirts for advertisement.

12. 250 styles of L.A. Dodgers/Atlanta Braves New Eras and 6 styles of Chicago Cubs.

13. People who owe me money and don’t pay up.

14. Awful colorways of my favorite shoe styles.



15. Waking up at 6:30 on a Saturday.

16. People that throw snowballs.

17. Girls with no ass tryin’ to poke it out.

18. Girls that think coke skinny is sexy.



19. Falling down when im drunk and tearing my ACL.

20. 8 dollar beers.

21. Everyone on Earth owning at least 5 “tapout” shirts.



22. Any clothing company that still incorporates skulls into their designs.



23. Brass Knuckles as a staple of “streetwear” culture.

24. Streetwear being a culture.

25. Tattooed sleeves as a status symbol.

26. Spiked hair.

27. Having to shave.

28. People with 10,000+ friends on myspace.

29. People who think facebook is better than myspace, I cant even figure out how to use facebook.

30. Norv Turner. In fact, the entire San Diego Chargers management. BRING BACK MARTY!!!



31. Body odor. Worse than that the people who don’t realize they smell.

32. Jealousy.

33. Not being able to drink caffeine.



34. Anxiety. Social or other.

35. My chick never being on time.

36. People that smoke cigarettes to be part of the crowd.

37. Girls that wear spandex pants with ultra short dresses, that shit looks awful.

38. Paying for water.



39. People who tell me what I should write about on MY blog without solicitation.

40. Having to work.

41. People who are content with being worthless.

42. Ringtone rap.


(If you dont recognize these maggots they are the shop boyz and are responsible for that god awful joint "party like a rockstar" and are actually perpetrating approx 6 of the things on this list.)

43. People who don’t allow embedding of youtube videos.

44. Perez Hilton.

45. Faux Hawks.

46. Skinny jeans.

47. Flannel makin’ a comeback. That shit is for lumberjacks and pajamas. Period.



48. Akon.



49. T-Pain.

50. Joe Biden.



51. Bitches with 8 kids receiving welfare. Get a job and get fixed you dumb hoe!

52. Soulja Boy.



53. 1 in every 10 people being a rapper and thinking that is a viable source of income.

54. Britney Spears letting herself go. She basically started the thick white chick movement.



55. Fat girls that wear belly shirts.



56. Dumb ass loud bitches tryin to fight dudes.

57. My brother thinkin’ that he owns my turntables.

58. Not being able to slap bitches that deserve it.

59. Chicks that look dead.



60. People that post more than 2 bulletins a day on myspace.

61. Silver spoon little maggots who have never had to work a day in their life and drive around in BMW’s and own the entire LRG fall line, FUCK YOU.

62. Mac Dre fans circa 2006. You weren’t knockin’ that shit in ’98 don’t act like your up on game now.

63. The shit that gets accepted as art these days. My 4 year old nephew could paint that.



64. People who wear sunglasses at night.

65. Extra long “nightgown” white t’s.



66. Dirty white kicks.

67. Pregnant bitches thinking its cute to walk around in a bikini top.

This is just a start, i will be adding more as they come to me.

Is there anything that just drives you fuckin bananas?? Hit up the comment board and tell ol' Ollie about it.

-Ollie's off that haterade today!

UFC has become predictable and Joe Rogan still sucks

Despite my passionate and well-documented hatred for Joe Rogan, (CLICK HERE if you are not familiar) like most of America I was unable to avoid watching the Randy Couture VS. Brock Lesnar fight on Saturday night.

Now granted, I was way too drunk for my own, or anyone elses for that matter's safety, but i chose to make the journey over to the homie's house to watch this fight, in hopes that:

A) Joe Rogan had contracted West Nile Virus and was dying a slow painful death on fight night so i would be able to watch the fight without hearing his slobbery drunk/coked the fuck out annoying ass voice...

and B) The fight wouldnt be another Kimbo sham and the better/more experienced fighter would win the fight.

Complete and utter disappoint struck me when neither of the above stated scenarios played out, add to that that i had been drinking hard for about 6 hours straight and maybe now you can guess why my chick slapped me...

Moving on, everyone i know thought that Couture was gonna mop up big Brock and that was gonna be that and on paper, thats about how it should have went.

Can we please get this shit straight right now, Brock Lesnar walks around every day of the year (except for weigh-ins) at easily 285+, he had to cut something like 30 pounds to make weight for this fight and looks like this:



Hes matched up against the more experienced fighter in Randy Couture:



Randy is givin up close to 60 pounds, 6-8 inches, and 14 years in age, I think it was safe to say that experience would not trump size, ability, and youth in this fight.

So after Randy woke up from the slumber that he was put into in the second round, did anyone else notice that the ref let Brock pummel Randy's head an inordinate amount of time longer than anyone else has ever been beat on? if you didnt here's the full fight in its entirety:



Now to the point of the title, the predictabilty of the UFC. Brock Lesnar has had what, 4 professional UFC fights and is now the heavyweight champion?? Isnt that just about the exact same thing that happened when he came into the WWE?? He's this huge intimidating overly-dominant specimen that MUST be the face of the WWE/UFC... I can think of like 4 other heavyweights off the top of my head (and im not even a fan of UFC) that were more deserving of a title shot... And dont, for one second, think that Dana White didn't set this fight up as a means to embarass Randy Couture. Randy is 45 and past his prime, it was time for the belt to change hands so they put him up against a guy that would either A) pummel his ass (see: thats what happened) or B) make him (Randy Couture) look like the baddest man on the planet when he beat him and allow for Randy to retire and give up the belt either way...

It sucks for Randy that it was the latter scenario because him, Ken Shamrock, and Chuck Liddel built the UFC and now they are all has-been's that shouldnt, but probably will, fight again.

Oh yeah, Joe Rogan, don't think i didnt notice that you've been up for the last 3 days on a coke binge... Vegas is your town homie, and once again you proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are indeed the biggest fuckin tool on the planet.

-Ollie the macho man Savage

On a less serious note...

Everytime i look at these photos i just cant help but to giggle unmercifully.







Dear Joe Rogan:

Nahbutfarildo...

The extremely overhyped fight between Kimbo and Ken Shamrock goes down in flames as EliteXC basically lost any chance they had at rivaling UFC. This sucks for me because in general i like fights.

Early 90's pre-WWE, WWF wrestling, check.
UFC without Joe Rogan, check. (sidenote, if you havent yet, you should prolly read my post on why i hate Joe Rogan.)
Boxing, before the death of the heavyweight bout, check...
videos of Kimbo beating the livin shit outta brothas on the block on youtube, check.

So when eliteXC comes out and is toutin Kimbo as there mainliner, i was reaaaaaalll excited. Kimbo is just a mean muhfucka out there in the streets, but the cold hard truth of the matter is just that, hes mean in the streets.

So after watching my CUBS get bitch-slapped for the second straight post-season sweep against the NL west, i needed to see Kimbo beat up on someone.

The channel gets changed and we see that not only is Ken Shamrock unable to fight, but this guy:

yeah that guy, is going to be his stand-in. Even better, i think. Now Kimbo is really just gonna punch this dudes head right off of his shoulders.

Ding Ding... 14 seconds later Kimbo is layed out like he just got tased up, screamin bout how the party's still poppin.

OH HELL NAH!!! Kimbo, you supposed to be the baddest muhfucka out chea, and you get slept by a ultimate fighter contestant. Say it aint so. I guess its back to UFC on mute cause Joe Rogan is that bad.

- Ollie