Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Ike Turner 2.0 and Breakin' Down The Working's Of The Female Mind

Rumors are swirling today that little Ms. Sunshine herself, Rihanna, has recently entered into the unholiest of unions with her Ike Turner-esque boyfriend Mr. Chris Brown. Yeah, cats are saying that these two idiots got hitched over the weekend while celebrating their reunion after that “best of the UFC ultimate knockouts” beatin young breezy threw down on ol’ girl.

I am always the first to say I told you so. I knew this shit was gonna happen THE DAY HE WHOOPED HER ASS. I called it too. Don’t believe me? CLICK HERE about half way down

The fight, as it happened, explained in pictures:

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Everything’s cool, havin’ a great time…

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Rihanna gets nosey, starts snoopin through Breezy’s phone. Notice the look on his face…

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The resulting beatdown from Ms. Thing spazzin out about the text messages homie was gettin’ on the low for some extra-marital cutting.

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Breezy dips out on jet ski, not givin’ a fuck.

I want to take this time to address some of the comments being made about Chris Brown and his jet ski. There are several celebrity types criticizing homie for being out in public having a good time. Why exactly? Is it some sort of requirement that you sit in a dark closet and starve yourself until the woman you unfortunately had to whoop up on accepts your apology? FUCK THAT. I’d want to get my mind off shit, not dwell. Look, the truth of the matter is, he knew Rihanna was coming back…

It’s a very simple cycle. Women fall harder for men the harder they (the men) go on them. I am dead up 100% serious. I feel that I should elaborate on that just a bit. Every broad I know that has been in an “abusive” (and I use that term quite loosely) relationship has weathered the storm and continued to take those ass whoopin’s everyday because they justify it to themselves in a way that most men will never understand.

Let’s take a second to explore the psychology of the female mind for a second here…

Once the line gets crossed, and this could be any proverbial “line in the sand”, i.e. “I will never let a man hit me”, a new line is formed. So what was once “I will never let a man slap me” becomes “At least he didn’t punch me” which leads to “I won’t let it happen again” and so on and so forth. So, when the inevitable occurs, and ol’ boy has been done blackened both her eyes another 4 or 5 times, the woman realizes that her line has been completely erased and she has grown accustomed to the thrashing’s she is now taking on a weekly basis, and would start to think something was off, if she wasn’t getting smacked.

Now we get to the justification. I realized a long time ago that most chicks want to fight with you (the fellas) just to test the strength of your emotional commitment to the relationship. A cat that is willing to argue it out for hours, at any point, for any reason, is the guy who “cares”. Or so it would seem. So, when you choose not to indulge a chick’s desire to test the strength of the relationship by fighting, she grows even more angered and annoyed and that’s when the physical abuse begins to take place.

In my estimation, approx. 70% of women that get their ass whooped by a dude, threw the first punch, slap, kick, whathaveyou. There is a pre existing tolerance level inherent in every man’s DNA code. Now this level will fluctuate from man to man, but ladies, understand, it does exist. For some it may be as simple as insulting his mother. For others it may be catchin’ a couple of slaps to the jaw. Luckily for me, in my career with the ladies, I have yet to be taken to my level, which would be drawing blood. If a bitch makes me bleed, she is getting shaken like a rag doll. If that doesn’t set her straight, other actions may be taken. It’s a very difficult task to feel out a situation and decide if homegirl learned her lesson from the shaking she just received, or if you are going to have to commit to taking it one step further.

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO MAKE THIS ABUNDANTLY CLEAR, I DO NOT CONDONE THE HITTING OF WOMEN AS SPORT. BUT, FROM TIME TO TIME, DRASTIC ACTIONS REQUIRE DRASTIC REACTIONS.

I would assume that a lot of a chick’s crazy factor is based on her upbringing. And furthermore, the role her mother/father/nanny/siblings played in her life.

Now, I know a thing or two about a thing or two, and a few of those things I know are as follows:

- Privileged chicks (chicks with money) are typically wilder than normal middle class chicks. I think it’s the lack of work ethic that gives these hoes their false sense of entitlement. These are also the easiest birds to manipulate and get things from. 9 times out of 10 they have daddy issues, which means they are extremely self-conscious and are constantly seeking approval.

- Girls from large families tend to be more independent.

- The level of dependence a bird has on her man is a definite indicator of how crazy she secretly is.

- Once you put a ring on it, everything changes. The chick that was cool as fuck, always down to cool out with the homies, drink beers, do the laundry, give massages, and alladat, is the same chick that becomes THE FUCKING SOUP NAZI the moment the ring hits her finger. Now I’m not a scientist, but I am pretty sure there is/has been research done on the nervous system’s reaction between gold/platinum/or silver (for you broke cats) and the skin on a woman’s ring finger. And if there hasn’t, there damn well should be. Once that precious metal touches the skin, it sends an instant message of entitlement to the left side of the brain, and it becomes “you do the laundry, you do the dishes”. Bitch, I got married so I wouldn’t have to wash my own skidmarks ever again.

- If you cut the first night, that means basically every dude before you did too.

- Crazy mothers breed crazy daughters. Ten times out of ten, if a chicks mom is wild, said chick is going to wild(er).

- Black chicks go harder than white chicks.

- The harder you are on a chick, the harder she’ll fall.

- Once you hit a chick (and I’m talking about sex, slappin, punchin, etc.) you can ALWAYS hit her again.

- The chick that didn’t learn her lesson the first time, will perpetually push the boundaries you have set for them. Women are like toddlers in this sense. Moral of the story, this chick will never learn her lesson.

- The chick that doesn’t want to battle, cheats.

- The chick that cheats is always the easiest to be with, but never worth the time.

In summation, chicks are like children. They will always test you. They will always touch that hot oven after you’ve told them not to.

When you are lookin’ for wifey, your best bet is to consider all the wild behavior birds are capable of, and decide which of said mannerisms you would be willing to deal with repeatedly, for the duration of your marriage. I would say “til death do you part” but let’s face it, by the time you read this, the divorce rate will be higher than the unemployment/poverty rate combined (if its possible to have more than 100% of something, GO OBAMA. Yeah right). So, if you’re the type of cat that can handle the bird that always wants to fight, then understand, occasionally shit will get physical. If you want to control that hoe, go after the chick with daddy issues, but keep in mind, you will have to be comin extra correct with that luchi (that’s money for the white folks), otherwise that marriage will last about as long Ryan Leaf’s career. If you don’t get the joke, get up on your sports, or use google.

You get the point.

-Young Ollie the Scholar

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

blog is boring

oliver wrist said...

thanks for takin the time to hate anonymously. I love it.

Kristen said...

Apparently "anonymous" needs something much more stimulating at 4:16AM? Go to bed fool! Then come back and read this shit when you're not tweekin' balls.

Brian said...

anonymous is probably just another retarded chris brown fan. Emphasis on the retarded.