Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Angelina Jolie's Hotness Is All In Your Head:

Yeah I said it, now what you gon' do?

As I promised yesterday, I have every intention of debunking Angelina Jolie's hot factor. I am not one of those people who just accept things. The whole world has been brainwashed into believing that Ms. Jolie is the hottest chick on the planet. I just don't see it. I never really have.

I know what you're thinking, "Ollie, you're crazy dude, she's blazin hot", and I would expect nothing less from the male readers of this blog because you have been programmed to "believe the hype".

Let's get right down to the reasoning behind this blasphemous statement that Angelina Jolie is not hot.

Exhibit A: It's all surgically enhanced.


You see that shit? Back before the world ever knew who she was, she was like a 5 at best. But thanks to the help of plastic surgery (in more than one area) she has become this global sensation.

I've been on record on more than one occasion denouncing the use of plastic surgery to create a girl's hotness. It's cheating. I can't look at her the same after seeing that before and after photo. I really hope I've ruined her for you as well...

Exhibit B: Pale skin.


I don't know about ya'll, but vampires don't do it for me. This bitches skin tone is "kleenex". I can't get the image of her playing the role of "Gia" and being a fucking heroin junkie out of my mind. She just played the part a little too well if you ask me. I'm pretty sure she has been on methodone or some derivitive of heroin since that movie came out back in like '96, which would explain...

Exhibit C: She's too skinny.


YUCK!! I mean would you look at those chicken legs? You really trying to tell me that those stems are sexy? Really? You're out of your god damned mind. I couldn't find a good recent picture of her lanky ass arms but I assume they look something like those straight out of a comic book skeletor arms Madonna's old ass has been sportin as of late...


Plus her face is hella boney. About 8 years ago, I'll admit that Angelina's face was on point. But ever since she started practicing Kabalah or whatever the fuck religion is cool these days she is just lookin' haggard.


Exhibit D: Her tattoos suck.


I know everyone thinks her tattoos are dope because she had the witchdoctor from some South African tribe ink her up with a hammer and a wooden spear, but that shit don't impress me. In fact, all it does is make your tattoos look like shit and makes you look like even more of a dick. "Oh I had this done in the alps after a 3 day peyote binge"... FUCK OFF you dumb cunt. You still suck.

Exhibit E: Her movies suck.


Enough said.

Honorable mention: Wanted, Gone in 60 Seconds, Beowulf, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, etc. I could go on and on.

Exhibit F: Billy Bob Thornton.


Billy Bob Thornton put his dick inside of her. She wore a vile of his blood around her neck and had his name tattooed on her arm. If that doesn't tell you how far off the reservation this bird is, I don't know what will. Perhaps...

Exhibit G: She has 19 adopted children.


Ok maybe not, but she's damn near got a baseball team. She adopts them from all over the world too. I mean, she couldn't just focus on one region so as to keep a common element amongst the children?? Nope, I want one from Taiwan, one from Guatemala, one from Africa, one from Germany, and then I'm gonna cook up a couple of twins of my own just to show you little foreigners how little you mean to me. These kids are just accessories. I'm not even being cold hearted, it's flat out true.

Which brings me to my final piece of evidence,

Exhibit H: Her holier than thou attitude.


The above picture has nothing to do with this particular point, but it makes her look reeeeeaaaalllly bad, so I included it. This bitch thinks she's the business cause she adopted a few kids and parades them around for her own selfish needs. These children obviously have better lives now, but lets face it, she has to be the biggest pain in the ass ever. She's got more money than God, but dresses the kids in rags to show them that money isn't important while she stunts around town with her 30 million dollar blood diamond on her finger. Which incidentally is the only reason the African kid got adopted. She felt bad about her Sierra Leone diamond so she adopted the kid who mined it and figured it was even. Fucking cunt.

In all seriousness, Angelina Jolie is a fraud. From her looks right down to her faux humanitarianism. She's ugly on the inside and it bleeds right through her see through skin (cause it's so pale, get it?).

In her defense, her J's are on point and the lip game is fierce. See, I'm a fair dude, I give credit when it is due. But overall though, I am convinced that Angelina Jolie is a self serving bitch that has mind control powers. I mean, she made Brad Pitt wife it. That's fuckin Brad Pitt, the guy could literally have any woman on earth. It blows me away.

I'm done hatin for now.

-Ollie the Cold Hearted


Kristen said...

She adopts these starving impoverished kids and just when they think, "Hooray! We are being saved by the rich American lady," she hauls their asses around to every other third-world country with no running water. If I was one of her adoptees I'd be like, "When we gettin' back to Malibu bitch?!?"

Jonny D said...

Dam you Ollie...stop ruining shit for me.Don't you dare go after Selma Hayek next.

oliver wrist said...

I can't go after Salma Hayek. Sans the accent, she is proper and I have no qualms with her.