I was clickin around the internets and stumbled over to one of my many sources for celebrity rumors and gossip. It's not what the tabloids were saying today that bothered me, it was the list of the top 10 celebrity searches on their site...
#10 Miley Cyrus
Every Pedophiles nightmare (i.e. tall, awkward, and most likely already broken in). I can see the tweeny boppers goin' ape shit for this little twit, but grown ass motherfuckers that are logging onto celebuzz.com are searching for Miley Cyrus? As the great uncle that I am, I have literally sat through hours of this mind numbing torture that Disney has been subjecting our youth to for the last several years. I just don't see what all the fuss is about. She talks like a dude. She overacts everything. She has HUGE feet. She can't sing. She DEFINITELY can't dance, but somehow the youth of America is still hysterical over Miley Cyrus.
Fuck Miley Cyrus.
#9 Megan Fox
I get it. She's hot. But this dumb trick is/was dating fucking Brian Austin Green. Yeah, that guy. From Beverly Hills 90210? Yep. How fuckin' "awesome" is this chick if she lets the likes of B.A.G. hit? (I tried to ignore it, but I have to speak on it. The guy's initials spell bag. That lends itself to far too many jokes.) All bullshitting aside, she is one of Hollywood's hottest chicks right now. The tattoo's, the attitude, the J's, errrrrrythang. She's got it. How the fuck is she #9? You wanna know who is above her on the most searched celebrity list?
#8 Suri Cruise
HAHAHAHA. Yes. That ugly little offspring of Satan and Katie Holmes. I'm not gonna go in on Suri anymore than that because she is going to have a really fucked up life with Tom Cruise playin daddy and forcing that scientology bullshit on her. What I want to address is why the fuck people are searching the web for Suri Cruise? The little snot is not even 2 years old and is more downloaded that Megan FUCKING Fox?
(Pulls out finger gun, points at head, pulls trigger)
#7 Taylor Lautner
Exactly. Some little twirp villian from Twilight. I'm so fucking glad I didn't see that shitbag movie. He is the top result returned when you type "worst fucking hair ever" into google search.
#6 Kendra Wilkinson
First off, big ups to Kendra for keepin it extra funky in that L.T. jersey. But that's where the praise stops. Now normally I like slutty girls with daddy issues, that drink too much and constantly seek approval by taking off all of their clothes. Kendra though, this bitch looks like a horse. Turrble skin. Awful hair/weave. BIG ASS TEETH that look like piano keys. Shes just wack, straight up. Hugh gives this tramp the boot and it looks like the world is finally rid of her and her stupid bullshit, but E! shits on all my hopes and dreams and gives this horse face her OWN spin off from the girls next door. GOOD LAWD!
#5 Kristen Stewart
A.K.A. Fuckin' Permastoned. I honestly don't give half of a rat's dick about whether or not this girl smokes tree. However, the rest of the world obviously does therefore you can't see a picture where she doesn't have her eyes slammed. I think it's a front. I think this bitch has a slight case of downs syndrome and uses the "pothead" card as a pass. Real "stoners" for lack of a better word, don't broadcast to the world that they are high all the time. they don't need the attention. Bitch, we get it, you're "hip". Fuck You.
#4 Britney Spears
Too bad Britney hasn't looked like that since I graduated high school. By the way, there's a video floating around on youtube (that I don't care enough to find) of Britney saying something like "Oh my god, my whole pussy is hanging out" during one of her recent performances. Soooo, tell us something we don't know Britney. You literally have the ugliest pussy of all time. Bar none.
#3 Chris Brown
Mr. Ike Turner Jr. This cat is taking his fashion cues from Kanye/Pharrel circa 2004. Someone needs to tell your boy that terrorist scarves, pink BAPE hoodies, and 3/4 cocked backwards fitteds are fuckin OUT. (no Kenny Powers. If you don't get that joke, FUCK YOU.) The ass whoopin's aside, this dude is just plain awful. I haven't liked a single thing he has put out since the beginning of his illustrious career. Oh whats that you say? He's only 19 and hasn't done shit for music? You're right. Guess what? Fuck Chris Brown.
Remember when I called this shit a little over a month ago? Chris Brown and Rihanna's careers were gonna reach all new heights? Let that be a lesson to you young ladies tryin to break into pop music. Just get out of pocket with your man, let him lump your head and split your lip and watch those record sales sky rocket. Oh yeah, Fuck Rihanna and her stupid music.
#1 Robert Pattinson
Remember when this kid was cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter flicks? Now he's a fuckin heartthrob supposedly fuckin #9 Megan Fox? Are you kidding me. Ladies of the BAMA, please weigh in on this. Is this cat good looking? He literally looks like #5 Kristen Stewart's retarded stunt double.
In closing, Fuck celebrities. That is, until I become one, at which time you can all be thankful for ever having the chance to buy me a drink.
Speaking of which, anyone interested in buying me some beers? I'm broke.
-Ollie the Hateful