NICKELPLATEDBAMA: Now That's A Big Bitch!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Now That's A Big Bitch!

Fucking white people!

This shit is pure comedy. First of all, did you notice that this cat-ass D-bag is the only white dude in the spot?

Contestant #1: girl did a little work. whatever. I give her a 4 for looks and shear size, and a 4 for the work, for a total of 8 out of a possible 20. She gets a 5 point bonus for taking those ridiculously aggressive pelvic thrusts from your boy though. LMAO at dude pumpin hard with his hands behind his back. Look at ol' girl's eyes at the :26-:28 second mark. HAHA.

SWWWWIIITTTCCCCHHHHH!!!!

Contestant #2: Silky smooth stomach piece? Check. Wild ass hair piece ala natural from love of Ray J? Check. Grindin so hard on homie that he turns into the incredible hulk? LOL check. Seriously, peep homie's roid rage start at the :39 second mark and culminate into pure HULKAMANIA at :46 seconds. OHMYJAH!! Back to shawty, she gets a 6 for looks (the body is right, but that grill is snaggled), and she gets a SOLID 8 for the work, for a grand total of 14 out of a possible 20.

SWWWIIITTTTCCCCHHHH!!!!!

Contestant #3: Thick, but on the verge of obesity. She could still get it, but give her a week's worth of big mac's and it's a wrap. So far she had the prettiest face, the thighs look on swoll, but I'm disappointed in the fact that she is hiding those J's rather than displaying 'em. The work she's doin is weak sauce. I give her a 6 for looks and a 4 for the work. 10 out of 20.

SWWWWWIIITTCCCCHHHH!!!!

Contestant #4: OH HELL NAH. The look on dude's face tells the whole story. Homegirl gets an automatic 5 bonus points for having the nerve to step to the stage in a booty shakin' contest. I give her a 2 in the looks department (I've definitely seen worse) and a 4 for the work. She was tryin but dude kept runnin' away.

The final verdict? Contestant #2 takes it down, but of course I'm biased to a smooth stomach and hip game. If #3 would have let the J's breathe a little she would have walked away with the win. Stupid girls and their need to cover up their titties.

Props to my white brethren for lookin like Dane Cook's retarted stunt double but hangin tough when Andre The Giant stepped to him (twice). HAHA.

-Ollie

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First Time Here?

If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...

Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com

Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Who writes NickelPlatedBama?

Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.

What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?

Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.

Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.

When did NickelPlatedBama get started?

Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?

Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?

I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.

See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".

Why?

Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".

How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?

It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.

Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.

Disclaimer:

While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.

Sincerely,

The Management

Nickelplatedbama 2008-2009

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Now That's A Big Bitch!

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