AAAAHHHHNNNNNTTTT!
I was too busy reliving my childhood watching Wrestlemania VII (1991) to give one half of a shit about the fucking Oscars. But, as you would expect, every blog on the interweb is flooded with photos and opinions of "who was dressed the best?" and "who won best actor?" (the answer to the latter is Sean Penn in MILK by the way). Are you fucking serious? Sean Penn? I hate Sean Penn.
All this celebrity obsessed bullshit got me thinking...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
I'm going to make my own categories and give out awards for shit I care about, and call these gems "The BAMA's".
First category:
People who will never be nominated for an Oscar but continue to pump out heart pounding thrillers year after year, and the nominees are:
Fuck it, the other nominees don't matter. The hands down, you shouldn't even have bothered to show up, I just handed you your ass winner is:
Jason Statham.
Seriously, look at this guy's body of work and tell me he doesn't rock shit in EVERYTHING!!
The only other person even in the Stath's arena is Clive Owen. But he is disqualified because he made a bunch of bitch ass movies before he started whoopin ass full time.
Next Category: Coolest fucking guy ever.
And the nominees are:
Seth Rogen
Philip Seymour Hoffman
McLovin
Joaquin Phoenix
Robert Downey Jr.
This is a tough one. I mean, everyone on this list rocks shit in their own particular way. But after careful consideration, I have decided that this year's BAMA for the "coolest fucking guy ever" goes to...
Phillip Seymour Hoffman:
Where do I even start? This guy is a phenomenal actor. Remember "Along Came Polly"?? He is fat and ugly, and somehow still gets leading roles left and right. He wins awards constantly and still shows up to the Oscars wearing a beanie. Yep, winner.
Next category: Humanitarian Of The Year.
Another one of those categories that nominees are unneccessary because the voting is so lopsidedly in favor of the winner.
Heidi Klum:
Why? This is one of the baddest bitches in the world. PERIOD. And she found the decency in her heart to not only pity fuck the acid-burned body of Seal, but she actually married the guy. What is the appeal? His face looks like a country road with all those pot holes, he's darker than sin, and his music is competing with the likes of Michael Bolton for gayest, most shittiest, god-awful racket on earth. Round of applause for Heidi for really "taking one" for the betterment of society.
Next category (before I burn my face with acid): My English is worse than my acting.
The nominees are:
Penelope Cruz
Salma Hayek
Every British actor on Earth
The winner in this hard fought battle?
Penelope Cruz:
Yeah, she decided to wear a wedding dress to the Oscars this year. She must not have been able to read the memo (you know cause it was in English). HAHA.
Next category: Why am I here?
The nominees are:
Miley Cyrus
Mario Lopez
Vanessa Hudgens
And the winner?
Mario Lopez.
Seriously though, what business does this guy have at the Oscars? He hosts fuckin teen dance contests on MTV. Fuckin Michael Vick has about as much business at the Oscars as A.C. Slater does. Get the fuck outta here.
Next Category: Worst plastic surgery addiction.
The nominees are:
Lisa Rinna
Mickey Rourke
Cat-Lady
And the winner is Mickey Rourke.
In all seriousness, Lisa Rinna deserved this award but Mickey is so damn cool that he edged her old ass out. Don't get it twisted, Lisa Rinna is doing playboy in the next couple of months and you better believe I'll be checkin for her ass. (Little known fact, when I was approx. 10 years old, I went to visit my Aunt in Texas. She was kinda strict about what I could watch, but for some reason took no issues with me watching soap operas with her everyday. So for the 2 weeks I was there, I was checkin for Lisa Rinna like a muhfucka...). Back to Mickey, this guy got ripped (from what I hear) for best actor by Sean Penn so I'll give him some shine in this category, because bouncin back from that heroin addiction and losing your 18 year old chihuahua is hard on an old trout but he's still out there in all his surgically enhanced glory.
Next category: Biggest comeback EVER!
Without a doubt, the winner is:
Josh Brolin.
Seriously, this guy is in EVERYTHING these days. Milk, W., American Gangster, Grindhouse, No Country for Old Men, etc. The list just goes on. Everyone of these films has won some award for being the best something in the last 2+ years.
What blows me away is that nobody bothered by the fact that this dude was doing made for T.V. Lifetime Movie Network dramas no less that 4 years ago. How did this happen? I need to know who he blew to become one of the most sought after actors in Hollywood. He sure has come a long way from The Goonies, and one of my all time favorite roles as "Corey Webster" in:
Damn.
Next Category: Ugliest Leading Lady
The nominees are:
Sarah Jessica Parker
Anne Hathaway
Renee Zellwegger
Reese Witherspoon
And the winner (or would it be loser?) is...
It's a 4-way tie.
Sarah Jessica Parker:
Seriously, I would rather the bald-headed guy with the beard kiss me on the mouth (no homo) than touch skeletor. HOLY MOLEY!!
Anne Hathaway:
I don't get it. Why do people think she is so fly? Her neck is crazy long. She's got a grill like Mr. Ed, and her hair looks hella white trash. In her defense though, she got naked in that movie "Havoc" and her J's are right.
Renee Zellwegger:
Nobody likes a squinter.
Reese Witherspoon:
She could puncture steel with that chin. Good lord.
Final Category: MILF of the year
The nominees are:
Angelina Jolie
Halle Berry
Marisa Tomei
And the winner is...
Halle Berry:
Lets face it. Halle Berry may very well be the best looking woman on this planet. She exudes class and sophistication. When I look at Angelina Jolie, all I can think about is that vile of Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck and him licking her face at that awards show a few years back.
I'm serious, I might be the only guy on the planet who doesn't find Angelina attractive. She is gross to me.
Back to Halle, god damn girl, I would punt new born puppies through fire in front of children if it somehow ensured that I could hit that.
That does it for this years "BAMA's". Until next year... Fuck you all.
-Oliver Wrist
4 comments:
Sorry, but you missed one in your "Why The Fuck Are You Here?" Bama: Hugh Jackman. I mean really, shouldn't he be giving harry potter the reach-around in some seedy west-end theater?
Hugh Jackman is a generally nice guy, plus he fuckin rocks shit in the first 2 X-Men movies. I can't hold his broadway antics against him. Did you happen to see him give Barbara Walters a lap dance. "Look into my eyes". That was pimperish.
HAHAHAHAHA!
I would do dirty dirty things to Jason Statham.
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