NICKELPLATEDBAMA: Things That Kill Me: Part 2

Friday, February 6, 2009

Things That Kill Me: Part 2

Most newcomers to this blog are not familiar with my hatred for Joe Rogan. In fact, my first ever post was dedicated to the slandering of that useless fucking cokehead. So in a sense, I guess you could say this blog started out as an anti Joe Rogan site and blossomed into this sensational grouping of words you have all come to know and love. I spend more time than is neccessary or reasonable bitching about the shit that people say/do that pisses me off. I made a preliminary LIST a couple months back, and at this time, I plan to add several other things that kill me to that list.

In case you missed that hotlink above, you can CLICK HERE for the first posting of "things that kill me".

I'm just gonna get right into it.

1. I fucking hate other people's children:

Yeah, I said it. I really hate other people's kids. Shit, I don't even have any of my own (technically) but the ones I am involved with on a daily basis drive me nuts. More importantly, I hate the way other people choose to discipline their children. When I see 2 year old little brats calling the shots and the parents defending the child's behavior rather than slappin the shit out of them, it drives me up the fucking wall. I feel like I need to get in there and set the kid straight for the parent's sake. Here this now, if and when I do actually have children of my own, they will, if nothing else, be respectful. My kid gets out of line, they will get one warning, cross me again, SMMAACCCCK! and a time out. Unless my kid turns out to be one of those real "bebe's kids" type a muhfucka. You know, the kid that runs over and kicks over other kid's sand castles on the beach, pees on the sleeping old lady, throws his ice cream in the toilet rather than share it with his siblings type of brats. Yeah, That kid. I would prolly have to encourage that kind of behavior. That shit can't be taught, it just comes naturally. HAHA.

2. Dave Matthews/Jason Mraz/John Mayer/Gavin Degraw/Every other white folky pop rip off artist.

I hate these whiny little bitches. They all sound the same. They all have terribly annoying voices. They are all minor talents that somehow got some shine on college radio and adopted a legion of female fans. Fuck you.

3. Headaches.

4. Running out of pills. I have a pretty steady habit of consuming xanax and hydrocodone, and when I run out and can't find anymore I get really on edge.

5. Jack In The Box terryaki bowls. Why? Seriously Jack, why do you need to include a terryaki bowl on your menu? You don't see the chinese joint in the mall slangin hamburgers and fries do you? Thats just stupid.

6. The fags that run Cardboard Robot.

7. People that talk while I'm tryin to watch a movie. Not you TBC. The occasional question is ok, but to blatantly just start spewing excrement from the lips in the form of verbal diarrhea in the middle of a movie, and then not get the point when I stare into your eyes with the look of pure disgust, you people should all be thrown from airplanes without parachutes.

8. Slow Computers.

9. Insomnia.

10. Gabriel Iglesias/Carlos Mencia/George Lopez/Mexican comedians in general.

On the contrary, you are quite fat. You're not funny. I dont care about how big your family is. I don't care about your ties to Mexico. I dont care about your references to selling/picking oranges. I just dont care about you at all. Please. Stop. Now.

11. Organized Religion. I really hate pushy christian/mormon/jehova's witness church people. Listen, if I was interested in hearing your views on the world I would kill myself. I have no use for people that insist on pushing their beliefs onto me like I need saving. I am quite aware that I am going to hell, it doesn't really bother me. Thanks for your concern, now go heal a wounded seal while I laugh hysterically at retarded people and fat girls.

12. Cats and Cat People.

I fucking hate cats. I hate cat owners. Well, not all of them, but anyone who has more than 3 cats I can all but guarantee 2 things: 1) They live alone and 2) Their house smells awful, which in turn means they smell awful, and if you remember on the previous list, body odor really irks me.

13. Steelers fans.

Yeah, we all saw the Steelers win the super bowl. So what, you didn't win the super bowl so quit saying "we" as if you had something to do with that teams success.

14. Dane Cook/Dane Cook Stand Up/Dane Cook Movies/Dane Cook's acne. Enough said.

Thats it for now. More as they come.

-Ollie the hated

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: I freakin love you. I feel exactly the same way about pretty much everything on your list. It comforts me to know that I will be in good company while burning in hell for the rest of eternity.; February 6, 2009 at 3:01 PM
Anonymous said...: Man you really don't like those cardboard robot guys.; February 6, 2009 at 7:07 PM

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First Time Here?

If this is your first time stopping by NickelPlatedBama, I would suggest getting a feel for the blog by going through the archives. There have been too many classic posts to count. If you disagree with an opinion here on the site, make it public. The writer of this blog suffers from a rare condition that allows him to feel absolutely zero remorse when attacking a person's character or, in most cases, lack there of. Please feel free to enjoy, hate, participate, tell a friend to tell 2 friends, but always, ALWAYS stop back here again tomorrow, as you never know what this looney bastard might say next...

Directly below this box you will find an interview with Oliver Wrist by Oliver Wrist that should serve as an FAQ. Anything else you want to know, Oliver will literally answer any and all questions you may have, so don't be shy, shoot an email to Oliver Wrist at: nickelplatedbamadotcom@gmail.com

Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

Who writes NickelPlatedBama?

Oliver Wrist writes, edits, designs, takes photos, and publishes NickelPlatedBama personally Monday-Friday. Oliver Wrist is an alter ego that I created as a means of getting things off of my chest. Ollie is irrational and flagrant. Once boos are introduced, the hillarity ensues. Rather than feel bad, Oliver chooses to embrace his lunacy and use his shamelessness for a greater good. Oliver's travels and opinions are documented on an almost daily basis. I say almost daily because I don't work on weekends.

What is NickelPlatedBama? What is A Nickel Plated Bama?

Nickelplatedbama is a face-melting social commentary blog written from the perspective of a self absorbed asshole with no shame or morals to speak of. If you're into hip hop music, silky smooth breezys, absurdly opinionated witty banter and reading the rants of an anti-social, overly confident, self absorbed "writer" (for lack of a better word) please continue. NickelPlatedBama is a source for venting and bashing, hating and thrashing, shitting and blasting on everything from bad food to bad music and everything in between. I don't hate everything however. NickelPlatedBama and more importantly Oliver Wrist praise iconic figures such as the ever elusive white girl thickness, mid-'90's hip hop, fashion, graffiti, art, ice cold behavior, celebreality t.v., Chicago Cubs baseball, San Diego Chargers football, College Basketball, Early '90's WWF wrestling, laughing at other peoples misfortunes, and generally acting like a complete type-a sociopath.

Nickel Plated Bama is extra gutter street slang for a nickel (the precious metal) plated hand cannon. You know, a burner, a strap, a gat, a tre pound, a whistle, or for the uninitiated a gun.

When did NickelPlatedBama get started?

Oliver Wrist has been the other half of my split personality for years. It originally started as my DJ'ing name. My career as a DJ lasted only about as long as it took me to write this BIO. As it turns out, I am an awful DJ. Not because I play bad records, but because I butcher the scratches. My brother, Young Smalls, a.k.a. DJ Fuzzy Badfeet, has taken over the reigns and is now my own personal DJ. Although Smalls refuses to accept the things I have taught him since birth as doctrine, he still gets the Oliver Wrist stamp of approval as a purveyor of all things mixed well. He uses my turntables, my mixer, and my records to do his thug-thizzle, but he is a much better DJ than I could ever be, so I just give him enough shit to remain enthusiastic. Being that my foray into the DJ world went south, I decided to use writing as a tool to express myself creatively. Thus far it has proven somewhat successful. How do I know? Well, you're reading this aren't you?

Where did you come up with NickelPlatedBama?

I have spent so much of my valuable time force-feeding the readers of this blog my personal musical preferences (Read: mid-'90's new york hip hop, ign'ant pimp shit, '90's bay area movement, etc.) and blasting all these idiots that set themselves up for utter failure everytime they open their mouth, or press record on the video camera over the last few months, that I forgot to ever place the credit where the credit was due. Nickel Plated Bama is a reference to a line in a song from the 808 King himself (No not you Kanye). I'm talking about The RZA. a.k.a. Bobby Digital. a.k.a. Bobby Boulders. a.k.a. The Abbot. a.k.a. The head of the Wu-Tang dynasty. When I came up with the idea to start writing a blog, I wanted to name it something that most people wouldn't understand right out of the gate, creating a buzz as a result of the inherent curiousity of the average internet lurker. The result was a line from a Bobby Digital album where RZA says "my head is a like a Nickel Plated Bamma". I guess I should just go ahead and spell it out for you. Instead of using an obvious title such as "The Smoking Gun" (besides, it was already taken) for a blog name, I decided to get creative. So, with this blog title, I pay homage to one of my favorite, not only rappers, but creator of things, and still stay sharper than a sword with the usage of metaphor in describing the gun (my keyboard) i use to roast those i deem indesirable.

See above question titled "What is a Nickel Plated Bama".

Why?

Why not is a better question. I hate alot of shit. I want people to know that I hate aforementioned "shit". This was covered in the above section titled "Who writes Nickel Plated Bama".

How do you pronounce the "BAMA"?

It recently came to my attention while I was in the streets passing out stickers and shamelessly promoting this blog that alot of people were mispronouncing the "BAMA". I will make it very easy for you all.

Think Alabama. Don't think Obama. Are we clear now? I really hope so.

Disclaimer:

While most opinions on this site are based in fact, they are merely that, opinions. If you take this shit seriously OR anything that Oliver Wrist has to say personally, than it was definitely directed at you. If you are easily offended, read on, YOU are the target audience. And ladies, Oliver Wrist is the Asshole your mother warned you about. Oliver Wrist is extremely self absorbed and could not care less if your feelings get hurt. If you disagree with anything Oliver Wrist has to say, please make it public, so that Oliver Wrist may be able to roast you publicly.

Sincerely,

The Management

Nickelplatedbama 2008-2009

Friday, February 6, 2009

Things That Kill Me: Part 2

2 comments:

First Time Here?

Nickel Plated Bama: Who? What? When? Where? Why? and How?

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