Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Another Month, Another God Awful Reality Show

This time around VH1 has tapped none other than Mr. "Sexy Can I, caught a mic check from Kimmy K, Brandy's lil' brother" Ray-J's bitch ass to act, errrr star in the newest of the "of love" celebreality show. YES!!!

Before I get into the guaranteed trainwreck of a show this is going to be, let me just say this:

I do know that I let the faithful down by not giving the weekly update on "Real Chance of Love". My reason's were simple though, the broads that I thought were going to make for the best T.V. caught the axe on night one, and I knew from jump that Real's bitch ass was gonna pick a white girl, and Chance was gonna ice out whatever hoes he had in the stable. Chance knows how to work reality t.v. And while I didnt report on the sheer goonery that was "Real Chance of Love" you should know that I watched 90% of the episodes and just wasn't excited about it. AT ALL. While I'm on the subject, I dont like the "Rock of Love" series either, and I am 100% convinced that Bret Michael's hair is a wig yo!

Anyways, can we get back to whats important here. The Hoes.

Up first we have "Atomic Bomb"..

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First thoughts? She looks like she's got a little yellow streak runnin through. The chest is aight, we don't see an angle 2 (backshot), prolly gonna take the "quiet type" role. She should last about 4-7 episodes if she gets through the first night.

Next is "Cashmere"

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Where in the hell do they come up with these names? I must remind the viewers of VH1 the ONLY REASON Flav named the hoes is 'cause his wild ass couldnt remember the broads names. Now I'm assuming here, but shouldn't Ray-J be able to remember these tricks names? anyways. Cashmere. The eyes are sayin somethin, but I'm not sure what that is. She's got the obligatory fake J's, but I'm lookin passed that to the leg/thigh work. She is lookin mighty slim in the thigh game, which leads me to believe that the tail piece just isn't there. And we all know Ray-J is a, shall we say, ass man.

Caviar:

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Ol' girl right here looks like a model, but I'm thinkin she's a bit on the tall side, and Ray-J is a straight up midget. Don't think it will work, too bad, she looks pretty silky, but still lackin in the thickness department.

Chardonnay:

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First of all, how you gonna name the darkest hoe in the joint chardonnay? Thats a white wine. I think "Merlot" or "Cabernet" would have been a bit more fitting. Second, how the fuck did this DUDE get past the screening test? That is obviously a post-op tranny, hoe looks like "Ms. Jay" from America's Next Top Model. HAHA.

Cocktail:

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She's got a cute face, but there is a HUGE problem. Do you see all the slack in those jeans? I hope, for her sake, that is just a bad angle, but I have a sneaking suspicion that ol' girl might just be workin with the "negative ass" as dubbed by the homies over at UVT.

Danger:

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The name says it all here. Peep the Tattoo on ol' girl's face and tell me she's comin home to momma. I feel like she's gonna make it a long way on the show cause I get the feeling Ray-J wants to get some cut-up with this one. Call me crazy...

Feisty:

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Hoe looks like your typical "Tapout" "UFC" fight gear, ring girl. Peep the fake J's, lack of a tail piece, cooked in the oven leather skin, bleached teeth, Arizona State University "I've been fucked 20,000 times" but I'm not a slut punk ass hoe type'a vibe this bish is portrayin. The funny thing is, I think she'll go far because Ray-J likes the light skinded breezys.

Genuine:

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She'll make it for about 3 episodes so as to avoid alienating the "big girl" population. There's just no way Ray-J is going from Kimmy K to Heavy G. Just ain't hat'nin. Clear?

Hot Cocoa:

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These pants are just turrible. The hair is bad. I can't get with that mole. She looks extra tall. She gets an "E" for effort for pokin out that hip and tryin to show a player some thickness, but you can tell she is packin' ZERO heat. NEXT!

Lil Hood:

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WHAT????!!?! Yeah, the whitest bitch out da burbs gets dubbed "Lil' Hood". OHMAHFUCKINGOD. There isn't even any novelty to the name. She looks like she looks horrible naked. Plus her face looks ALOT like "Sweet D" from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (**Side note** if you aren't watching that show, you should kill yourself.) I am not a fan of the bottle of bleach blonde. I need a girl that is somewhat natural... Oh what a set up...

Naturalle:

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NOPE. She is ugandan dark. Won't last long. Plus she looks like she's wild in the streets, fareal. Did anyone notice how long her fingers are? YUCK. On a positive note, the tittays look like they are sittin on dubs. Can't be mad at that.

Stacks:

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OH Hell Nah! Dis Bish looks like Tichina Arnold (you remember Pam from "Martin!" right?). Super horse grill. 80's dress with the awful bra. Bad hair. Ultimately my vote for second to catch the boot.

Stilts:

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Props to shawwwty for that extra aggressive hip pivot and chest poke. She's doin errrrythang she can to look right in this photo. The problem is, nothin' looks right. Ok, I get it, you paid for them dubs and you want everyone to know it. But that wig piece? OH LAWD. Thats like the "EMO T-BOZ". HAHA. At first glance, her right thigh looks like it is settin up for some thickness, but then you try to scope the backyard and instantly catch the crease in the jeans. Listen, anytime there is a crease in the jeans when you are that angled out, you know the tail piece is severely lacking. For some reason, I get the feeling she's hangin around a while, even though she is prolly 6'2" or so.

Last but not least, Unique:

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Damn, this girl is swirled up like I have never seen before. That hair is pretty wild, but it works for her. Real cute smile. The clothes are doing her no justice makin her look all swollen like that, but the thighs don't lie. She definitely needs to get some dubs, but she's got that "Free" from "106th and Park" thing goin on. I aint mad at that.

Overall, I'm pretty jazzed for the new "of love" show VH1 has put together for us. If they were smart though, they would give "Midget Mac" his own show. Now that fool was icey. "You awwwwwready know!".

-For the love of Ollie

3 comments:

Jonny D said...

You can't bang out Kimmy K then try to downgrade to these hood rats. I would say Ray J is losing but with the amount of fellatio he got during the taping of this show I am forced to declare him winning.

oliver wrist said...

But as we have all seen, Kimmy K is all looks. The video(s?) dont lie holmes. I'll take a freaky ass hood bitch with some flavor over a good lookin bird with no fire in the sack. yagga?

Jonny D said...

Heard... But you know you'd still hit it.